0 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:08,338 ^.^.^.^.subtitles by.^.^.^.^ ® Sud_Arun collections ® A member of Psagmeno.com 1 00:01:04,899 --> 00:01:07,110 - (Applause) - (Cheering) 2 00:01:09,738 --> 00:01:11,489 DODD : Keep it going for the next performer, 3 00:01:11,573 --> 00:01:14,159 my man, Mr. Kumail Nanjiani. 4 00:01:14,784 --> 00:01:16,704 - (Applause continues) - (Cheering continues) 5 00:01:17,912 --> 00:01:19,330 KUMAIL : Hello. 6 00:01:19,748 --> 00:01:22,083 Um, I'll tell you about myself. 7 00:01:22,417 --> 00:01:24,335 I grew up in Pakistan. 8 00:01:24,419 --> 00:01:25,962 And people are always asking me, 9 00:01:26,045 --> 00:01:27,088 "What was that like?" 10 00:01:27,172 --> 00:01:28,673 (Scattered laughter) 11 00:01:28,757 --> 00:01:30,925 Really not that different from here. 12 00:01:31,760 --> 00:01:32,844 I mean, we played cricket, 13 00:01:32,927 --> 00:01:35,889 which is just a spicier version of baseball. 14 00:01:36,681 --> 00:01:38,057 And we prayed a lot. 15 00:01:38,141 --> 00:01:40,310 Well, not a lot. Just five times a day. 16 00:01:40,393 --> 00:01:41,394 (Audience laughs) 17 00:01:41,478 --> 00:01:44,063 And we marry someone our parents find for us, 18 00:01:44,147 --> 00:01:45,607 arranged marriage, you know? 19 00:01:46,065 --> 00:01:47,985 But, for me, it was probably that we got episodes 20 00:01:48,067 --> 00:01:50,236 of Knight Rider a little bit later. 21 00:01:50,320 --> 00:01:51,529 And by "little bit later, " 22 00:01:51,613 --> 00:01:54,032 I mean, we just got episode two. 23 00:01:54,115 --> 00:01:55,158 (Audience laughs) 24 00:01:55,241 --> 00:01:57,619 But other than that, it was exactly the same. 25 00:01:57,702 --> 00:01:59,329 ("Devils Haircut" by Beck playing) 26 00:02:02,248 --> 00:02:06,085 ♪ Somethin's wrong 'cause my mind is fading ♪ 27 00:02:06,169 --> 00:02:09,964 ♪ And everywhere I look there's a dead end waiting ♪ 28 00:02:10,298 --> 00:02:14,135 ♪ Temperature's dropping at the rotten oasis ♪ 29 00:02:14,219 --> 00:02:17,806 ♪ Stealing kisses from the leprous faces ♪ 30 00:02:19,849 --> 00:02:23,770 ♪ Got a devil's haircut in my mind ♪ 31 00:02:23,853 --> 00:02:27,690 ♪ Got a devil's haircut in my mind ♪ 32 00:02:27,774 --> 00:02:31,277 ♪ Got a devil's haircut in my mind... ♪ 33 00:02:31,528 --> 00:02:34,989 So, these are my real journals, honestly. 34 00:02:35,073 --> 00:02:37,116 And this is the woman who wrote them. 35 00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:38,660 - Poor gal. - (Audience laughs) 36 00:02:38,743 --> 00:02:41,204 Yeah. She... She has no idea that, like, 37 00:02:41,287 --> 00:02:43,289 giant titties are about to sprout 38 00:02:43,373 --> 00:02:45,834 and change her life dramatically. 39 00:02:46,125 --> 00:02:47,502 So, uh, thank you, guys... 40 00:02:47,585 --> 00:02:50,046 There's no bad crowds, dude, only bad comedians. 41 00:02:50,129 --> 00:02:51,774 You complain about the crowd, like, all the time. 42 00:02:51,798 --> 00:02:53,550 Yeah, like, that's when they're really bad. 43 00:02:53,633 --> 00:02:55,486 That's, like, 90% of the time they're really bad. 44 00:02:55,510 --> 00:02:57,238 Look, will you just watch and give me notes tonight? 45 00:02:57,262 --> 00:02:58,096 All right? 46 00:02:58,179 --> 00:02:59,448 If we both give each other notes, I think it helps. 47 00:02:59,472 --> 00:03:01,325 Your notes are just, "Add more fucks into the bit." 48 00:03:01,349 --> 00:03:03,077 - That doesn't help anybody. - Hey, fuck's a funny word. 49 00:03:03,101 --> 00:03:04,453 It's soft on the top, and it's hard on the end. 50 00:03:04,477 --> 00:03:05,520 That was truly horrible. 51 00:03:05,603 --> 00:03:06,664 - That was so bad. - What happened? 52 00:03:06,688 --> 00:03:08,368 - Just watch. - I'll watch, give you notes. 53 00:03:08,439 --> 00:03:09,708 - All right. Thank you. - Hey, that was great. 54 00:03:09,732 --> 00:03:11,526 No, he didn't even crack a smile. 55 00:03:11,609 --> 00:03:13,403 - I thought I was gonna puke. - Who? 56 00:03:13,653 --> 00:03:14,779 Bob Dalavan. 57 00:03:15,572 --> 00:03:16,573 Who's Bob Dalavan? 58 00:03:16,656 --> 00:03:19,367 Bob Dalavan works for the Montreal Comedy Festival, 59 00:03:19,450 --> 00:03:20,994 you fucking doof. 60 00:03:21,077 --> 00:03:22,120 - He's here? - CJ : Yes. 61 00:03:22,203 --> 00:03:23,403 Don't you want to get noticed? 62 00:03:23,621 --> 00:03:24,765 Don't you want to move to L.A.? 63 00:03:24,789 --> 00:03:26,833 Hang out with Elijah Wood, and shit? 64 00:03:27,250 --> 00:03:28,293 Nobody's on stage? 65 00:03:28,376 --> 00:03:29,544 No. 66 00:03:31,629 --> 00:03:32,922 He might've been doing cocaine. 67 00:03:33,006 --> 00:03:34,757 Was he doing cocaine recreationally? 68 00:03:34,841 --> 00:03:35,842 True cokehead. 69 00:03:35,925 --> 00:03:36,986 - Cocaine. - I wonder if he was. 70 00:03:37,010 --> 00:03:38,636 (Audience applauding) 71 00:03:38,720 --> 00:03:40,305 Now, before I bring out the next guy, 72 00:03:40,430 --> 00:03:44,392 you guys know tonight is Jell-O shot Tuesday! 73 00:03:44,475 --> 00:03:45,852 (Whoops loudly) 74 00:03:46,102 --> 00:03:48,396 And we all know what happens after eight Jell-O shots. 75 00:03:48,479 --> 00:03:51,482 We urinate all over ourselves and puke. 76 00:03:51,566 --> 00:03:53,318 Okay, so I'm gonna bring up the next comic. 77 00:03:53,401 --> 00:03:55,528 - Confidence. Poise. - You know this man. 78 00:03:55,612 --> 00:03:56,946 Give it up for Mr. Chris Jones! 79 00:03:57,030 --> 00:03:58,907 - Smile. - (Audience cheering) 80 00:03:58,990 --> 00:04:01,034 - DODD : Chris! - He's like if a serial killer 81 00:04:01,117 --> 00:04:02,911 fucked an inspirational speaker. 82 00:04:03,620 --> 00:04:06,122 He's like Daniel Day-Lewis, except he sucks. 83 00:04:06,372 --> 00:04:07,725 - (Laughs) - SAM : I've tried his warm-up. 84 00:04:07,749 --> 00:04:09,226 - It does not work for me. - So unsettling. 85 00:04:09,250 --> 00:04:10,877 CHRIS : Just bought a laser printer. 86 00:04:10,960 --> 00:04:13,212 Printed out, like, six lasers so far. 87 00:04:13,296 --> 00:04:15,089 - Maybe. - KUMAIL : Hey, DODD. 88 00:04:15,173 --> 00:04:16,442 Uh, Dalavan's in the crowd tonight. 89 00:04:16,466 --> 00:04:17,967 - Can I do ten? - No, five minutes. 90 00:04:18,217 --> 00:04:19,695 You put out chairs, you do five minutes. 91 00:04:19,719 --> 00:04:21,119 - You know the deal. - Come on, man. 92 00:04:21,179 --> 00:04:22,615 I'll double it up next time. Come on. 93 00:04:22,639 --> 00:04:23,741 What are you gonna do in there? 94 00:04:23,765 --> 00:04:25,075 I'm making up next week's schedule. 95 00:04:25,099 --> 00:04:26,142 Okay, cool. 96 00:04:27,060 --> 00:04:28,120 I was in bed with my girlfriend, 97 00:04:28,144 --> 00:04:31,981 and I was trying to mansplain to her that, you know, we... 98 00:04:32,273 --> 00:04:36,778 We are on one little rock orbiting one star in a galaxy 99 00:04:36,861 --> 00:04:39,113 of a billion stars in a universe... 100 00:04:39,697 --> 00:04:41,449 full of a billion galaxies. 101 00:04:42,784 --> 00:04:44,285 You know, so I forgot your birthday. 102 00:04:44,369 --> 00:04:45,596 - Who gives a shit? - (Audience laughs) 103 00:04:45,620 --> 00:04:48,873 Like, you are cosmically overreacting to this. 104 00:04:49,248 --> 00:04:51,709 Honestly, you are being super selfish. 105 00:04:51,793 --> 00:04:53,586 You're right, but you're selfish. 106 00:04:53,670 --> 00:04:55,838 - (Audience applauding) - (Man whoops) 107 00:04:57,465 --> 00:04:58,758 Hey. 108 00:04:59,550 --> 00:05:02,136 Have you guys heard of this drug cocktail called cheese? 109 00:05:02,220 --> 00:05:05,056 Uh, I saw these news reports, so I looked up what cheese is, 110 00:05:05,139 --> 00:05:06,224 and cheese is a mixture. 111 00:05:06,307 --> 00:05:11,020 Cheese is Tylenol PM and heroin. 112 00:05:11,187 --> 00:05:12,522 (Scattered laughter) 113 00:05:12,647 --> 00:05:14,983 So, really, it's heroin. 114 00:05:15,692 --> 00:05:17,735 Heroin's doing the heavy lifting. 115 00:05:18,611 --> 00:05:20,863 Just do the heroin. It's very powerful. 116 00:05:21,114 --> 00:05:23,324 You already have heroin. 117 00:05:24,617 --> 00:05:26,369 Is Pakistan in the house? 118 00:05:26,911 --> 00:05:27,912 (Emily whoops loudly] 119 00:05:28,371 --> 00:05:31,040 Really? You're not from Pakistan. 120 00:05:31,374 --> 00:05:32,792 I would've noticed you. 121 00:05:33,001 --> 00:05:34,210 (Chuckles) 122 00:05:34,836 --> 00:05:36,295 - CHRIS : Are you kidding me? - Mmm. 123 00:05:36,379 --> 00:05:38,464 He just gave you Montreal? Like, you don't have to 124 00:05:38,589 --> 00:05:39,882 showcase or audition or anything? 125 00:05:39,966 --> 00:05:41,801 No. It was too easy, almost. 126 00:05:41,926 --> 00:05:44,178 Like, I wanted to struggle. I wanted... I wanted a story 127 00:05:44,262 --> 00:05:45,596 to be able to tell on talk shows, 128 00:05:45,680 --> 00:05:46,889 and instead, like... 129 00:05:47,181 --> 00:05:49,225 You guys don't know how tough it is not to struggle. 130 00:05:49,308 --> 00:05:51,853 It's... It's a struggle succeeding effortlessly. 131 00:05:51,978 --> 00:05:54,814 - Did he say anything about me? - Sure. 132 00:05:56,190 --> 00:05:57,835 - What about me? - He... They, both of you. 133 00:05:57,859 --> 00:06:00,528 He said, "Those guys performed." 134 00:06:01,654 --> 00:06:03,281 MARY : I truly hate you, actually. 135 00:06:03,364 --> 00:06:04,991 CHRIS : We all hate you. 136 00:06:06,951 --> 00:06:08,077 - Hi. - Hi. 137 00:06:08,161 --> 00:06:09,620 - Hello. - Um, my name's Kumail. 138 00:06:09,704 --> 00:06:10,705 (Laughs) Yeah, we know. 139 00:06:10,788 --> 00:06:12,206 Yeah, we saw you perform. 140 00:06:13,166 --> 00:06:15,418 Now that the niceties are out of the way, um, 141 00:06:15,668 --> 00:06:17,795 I have to tell you that when you yelled at me, 142 00:06:18,004 --> 00:06:19,005 it really threw me off, 143 00:06:19,130 --> 00:06:21,758 and, uh, you really shouldn't heckle comedians. 144 00:06:21,841 --> 00:06:23,009 It's so rude. 145 00:06:23,801 --> 00:06:25,011 I didn't heckle you. 146 00:06:25,470 --> 00:06:28,347 I just whoo-hoo'd you. It was supportive. 147 00:06:28,431 --> 00:06:29,831 Okay, that's a common misconception. 148 00:06:29,974 --> 00:06:31,976 But yelling anything at a comedian 149 00:06:32,268 --> 00:06:33,311 is considered heckling. 150 00:06:33,394 --> 00:06:35,021 Heckling doesn't have to be negative. 151 00:06:35,730 --> 00:06:37,607 So, if I... If I yelled out, like, 152 00:06:37,690 --> 00:06:39,025 "You're amazing in bed!" 153 00:06:39,192 --> 00:06:40,985 - (Laughs) - That'd be a heckle? 154 00:06:41,194 --> 00:06:43,112 Yeah. It would be an accurate heckle. 155 00:06:43,196 --> 00:06:44,197 - Cool. - Whoa. 156 00:06:44,447 --> 00:06:45,447 (Laughs) 157 00:06:45,656 --> 00:06:46,491 Bye. 158 00:06:46,574 --> 00:06:47,950 - KUMAIL : Oh. - Don't go. 159 00:06:48,034 --> 00:06:49,094 - KUMAIL : No, you can... - I'm going. 160 00:06:49,118 --> 00:06:51,746 - You scared my friend off now. - (Laughs) 161 00:06:52,163 --> 00:06:53,206 What's your name? 162 00:06:53,539 --> 00:06:54,540 Emily. 163 00:06:54,791 --> 00:06:56,334 Emily. Here... 164 00:06:56,626 --> 00:06:58,669 I want to show you something, Emily. 165 00:07:02,632 --> 00:07:05,593 This is your name in Urdu. 166 00:07:06,135 --> 00:07:07,512 Oh. 167 00:07:10,681 --> 00:07:12,100 Does this move work? 168 00:07:12,642 --> 00:07:14,393 I've had some minor success with it. 169 00:07:14,477 --> 00:07:15,603 Bullshit. 170 00:07:17,271 --> 00:07:18,981 KUMAIL : So, you just came to a comedy show 171 00:07:19,065 --> 00:07:20,108 with your friends? 172 00:07:20,399 --> 00:07:24,320 Yeah. We're all grad students at the University of Chicago. 173 00:07:24,403 --> 00:07:25,756 What are you studying at grad school? 174 00:07:25,780 --> 00:07:28,116 I study psychology. I'm going to be a therapist. 175 00:07:28,324 --> 00:07:30,368 Oh, so you're gonna sit on a couch, and, like, 176 00:07:30,451 --> 00:07:32,304 ask people, like, "How does that make you feel?" 177 00:07:32,328 --> 00:07:33,788 I mean, eventually, yeah. 178 00:07:33,871 --> 00:07:35,581 Right now I'm just doing fieldwork 179 00:07:35,665 --> 00:07:36,874 with this group of guys 180 00:07:36,958 --> 00:07:38,584 who are convicted of domestic violence. 181 00:07:38,793 --> 00:07:40,795 - Jesus. Oh, wow. - Cheers to that. 182 00:07:40,878 --> 00:07:43,506 No, don't cheers to that. To you being a therapist. 183 00:07:43,923 --> 00:07:46,092 Great. To me getting my master's. 184 00:07:46,175 --> 00:07:48,335 We'll start there, and then we'll go to the rest of it. 185 00:07:48,678 --> 00:07:51,013 ("Seen Him" by Jim Brown playing) 186 00:07:53,224 --> 00:07:55,393 So, my roommate Chris is probably on the couch. 187 00:07:55,476 --> 00:07:57,436 He's gonna want to try and start a conversation. 188 00:07:57,728 --> 00:07:59,730 So, do not engage. 189 00:08:00,064 --> 00:08:00,898 (Whispering) EMILY : Okay. 190 00:08:00,982 --> 00:08:01,816 KUMAIL : Let's go. 191 00:08:01,899 --> 00:08:03,943 (TV playing) 192 00:08:04,026 --> 00:08:05,653 - Hey, pals. - KUMAIL : Hey. 193 00:08:06,571 --> 00:08:07,613 CHRIS : Hi. 194 00:08:14,537 --> 00:08:17,415 Good for him. Good for him. 195 00:08:17,498 --> 00:08:19,542 (TV continues playing) 196 00:08:21,794 --> 00:08:22,628 Do you want to watch a movie? 197 00:08:22,712 --> 00:08:24,505 - Sure. - Okay. 198 00:08:26,174 --> 00:08:28,467 Should I just, like, put my stuff down or... 199 00:08:28,634 --> 00:08:30,314 Yeah, I would say it's safe. You know what? 200 00:08:30,344 --> 00:08:32,805 That area's... Go for that area. 201 00:08:33,472 --> 00:08:36,100 I cleaned that earlier this year, so... 202 00:08:36,559 --> 00:08:39,604 Should I take my shoes off or is this a shoes-on bed? 203 00:08:40,021 --> 00:08:41,272 No, it's a shoes-off bed. 204 00:08:41,522 --> 00:08:43,399 I have... I have strict rules. 205 00:08:43,482 --> 00:08:44,525 Cool. Cool. 206 00:08:45,193 --> 00:08:46,068 Oh, wow. 207 00:08:46,152 --> 00:08:50,156 That is totally, uh, an inflated mattress. 208 00:08:50,781 --> 00:08:52,176 Yeah. Well, did you think it was gonna be 209 00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:53,618 a flat, inflatable mattress? 210 00:08:54,076 --> 00:08:56,787 I did think it might be an actual mattress, 211 00:08:56,871 --> 00:08:57,955 but you know. 212 00:08:58,039 --> 00:09:00,291 Well, air mattresses are actual mattresses. 213 00:09:00,374 --> 00:09:02,126 - (Laughs) - You're being bigoted... 214 00:09:02,210 --> 00:09:03,810 - Okay. Uh-huh. - ...towards air-based... 215 00:09:03,961 --> 00:09:04,795 Uh-huh. 216 00:09:04,879 --> 00:09:06,879 - Towards air-based mattresses? - ...comfort items. 217 00:09:08,007 --> 00:09:09,467 KUMAIL : Night of the Living Dead? 218 00:09:09,550 --> 00:09:11,385 EMILY : Sure, I haven't ever seen that movie. 219 00:09:11,719 --> 00:09:15,223 Okay, so, basically, the dead start rising. 220 00:09:15,306 --> 00:09:18,643 - Mmm-hmm. - And the good guys, um... 221 00:09:21,020 --> 00:09:22,521 (Woman screaming on TV) 222 00:09:28,361 --> 00:09:29,987 - Text Lauren. - (Cell phone chimes) 223 00:09:30,279 --> 00:09:32,865 - You up, girl? - (Chimes) 224 00:09:32,949 --> 00:09:34,242 No, fuck, no. 225 00:09:35,868 --> 00:09:37,536 SIRI : What do you want to say to Warren? 226 00:09:37,620 --> 00:09:39,664 - She... - (Chimes) 227 00:09:40,373 --> 00:09:41,516 SIRI : What do you want to say to... 228 00:09:41,540 --> 00:09:43,709 You up, period. 229 00:09:44,794 --> 00:09:45,794 Send. 230 00:09:46,212 --> 00:09:47,856 SIRI : That may be beyond my abilities at the moment. 231 00:09:47,880 --> 00:09:49,757 Fuck. No. 232 00:09:49,840 --> 00:09:51,884 (Eerie music playing) 233 00:09:57,056 --> 00:09:58,516 What are these scars? 234 00:10:00,268 --> 00:10:03,938 Oh, they're, uh, smallpox vaccination. 235 00:10:04,438 --> 00:10:05,940 I thought only old people had those. 236 00:10:06,023 --> 00:10:07,066 Well, I'm from Pakistan, 237 00:10:07,149 --> 00:10:09,277 and we're still fighting some battles 238 00:10:09,360 --> 00:10:10,653 you guys have already won. 239 00:10:11,028 --> 00:10:12,613 What were you like in high school? 240 00:10:12,905 --> 00:10:14,448 Were you, like, super funny? 241 00:10:14,532 --> 00:10:16,051 - Were you really smart? - (Chuckles) 242 00:10:16,075 --> 00:10:17,076 Were you... 243 00:10:17,702 --> 00:10:18,995 I was very shy. 244 00:10:19,537 --> 00:10:21,372 They called me Chashmullee. 245 00:10:21,622 --> 00:10:22,707 What is that? 246 00:10:23,416 --> 00:10:25,459 It roughly translates to "dweeb." 247 00:10:25,918 --> 00:10:27,461 I'll show you a picture. 248 00:10:28,296 --> 00:10:30,548 Of you in high school? Oh, my God. 249 00:10:30,631 --> 00:10:32,258 - Boom. - No. 250 00:10:32,717 --> 00:10:34,760 And I'm thinking I'm killing it right now. 251 00:10:34,844 --> 00:10:37,305 - What inspired this haircut? - Hugh Grant. 252 00:10:37,388 --> 00:10:38,889 - No. - Yeah. 253 00:10:39,140 --> 00:10:40,558 - Oh, no. - Big fan. 254 00:10:40,641 --> 00:10:42,184 - And you're so serious, too. - Okay. 255 00:10:42,393 --> 00:10:44,312 I read an interview with Hugh Grant. 256 00:10:44,645 --> 00:10:47,398 - He said he doesn't smile. - No. That's not real. 257 00:10:47,481 --> 00:10:49,401 'Cause it makes his face look fat, so I didn't... 258 00:10:49,442 --> 00:10:51,652 (Laughing) I didn't smile in pictures for many years. 259 00:10:52,320 --> 00:10:53,738 What were you like in high school? 260 00:10:53,904 --> 00:10:54,989 Um... 261 00:10:55,656 --> 00:10:58,951 Were you, like, voted, like, most sexy? 262 00:10:59,035 --> 00:11:01,662 No. I was voted most noticeable. 263 00:11:02,872 --> 00:11:05,416 - That's good. - No, it's really not good. 264 00:11:05,666 --> 00:11:08,961 I, uh, had acne, and I was a goth, and... 265 00:11:09,045 --> 00:11:11,547 (Sighs) I had this terrible perm. 266 00:11:11,714 --> 00:11:15,134 Um, yeah, the kids called me Beetlejuice. 267 00:11:15,217 --> 00:11:16,218 I don't know why. 268 00:11:17,386 --> 00:11:19,221 Actually, I do know why. 269 00:11:19,305 --> 00:11:21,557 It's because they thought I looked like Beetlejuice. 270 00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:23,559 I think I'm done with this subject. 271 00:11:23,642 --> 00:11:25,394 In fact, I think I'm gonna go home. 272 00:11:25,478 --> 00:11:27,855 Wait, wait. We haven't even had sex again yet. 273 00:11:28,189 --> 00:11:29,629 Yeah, I'm just not that kind of girl. 274 00:11:29,690 --> 00:11:31,275 I only have sex once on the first date. 275 00:11:31,359 --> 00:11:32,985 - Wow. - Plus a hand job. 276 00:11:33,069 --> 00:11:35,196 (Laughs) Okay, well, I haven't had that, so... 277 00:11:35,279 --> 00:11:37,615 You don't get that because you made fun of me. 278 00:11:37,823 --> 00:11:39,575 What is happening? What are you doing? 279 00:11:39,658 --> 00:11:41,035 I'm changing under this blanket. 280 00:11:41,118 --> 00:11:42,787 I've seen everything. Do you remember? 281 00:11:42,870 --> 00:11:44,330 We were just having sex. 282 00:11:44,830 --> 00:11:47,625 Yeah, but we were, like, in the throes of passion then, 283 00:11:47,708 --> 00:11:48,708 and... 284 00:11:49,418 --> 00:11:51,128 Listen, I had a really nice time. 285 00:11:51,379 --> 00:11:52,380 Thank you very much. 286 00:11:52,463 --> 00:11:55,966 I'm just gonna, like, call an Uber, go home, 287 00:11:56,050 --> 00:11:58,094 - and I hope... - (Cell phone beeping) 288 00:11:59,804 --> 00:12:01,889 - Just... - (Both laugh) 289 00:12:02,807 --> 00:12:04,141 Your driver will be ready 290 00:12:04,225 --> 00:12:06,018 as soon as he puts on his pants. 291 00:12:06,894 --> 00:12:09,271 Were you available for rides while we were fucking? 292 00:12:09,355 --> 00:12:11,315 Yeah, but I only looked a couple times. 293 00:12:13,234 --> 00:12:16,695 So, maybe I'll, uh, run into you at the club sometime, 294 00:12:16,779 --> 00:12:18,781 and we can grab a drink? 295 00:12:20,616 --> 00:12:22,952 Um, I'm not... (Chuckles) 296 00:12:23,119 --> 00:12:24,304 I know this sounds like a line, 297 00:12:24,328 --> 00:12:25,746 but I'm not really, like... 298 00:12:26,288 --> 00:12:29,125 I'm not really dating right now. I just... 299 00:12:29,333 --> 00:12:32,128 I've got a lot of school and work and... 300 00:12:32,211 --> 00:12:33,688 - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Just a lot on my plate. 301 00:12:33,712 --> 00:12:36,048 Yeah, no, I get it. Totally. 302 00:12:36,507 --> 00:12:38,342 That's perfect 'cause I'm not... 303 00:12:39,468 --> 00:12:40,594 ...dating right now, either. 304 00:12:40,678 --> 00:12:41,804 - Okay. - Yeah. 305 00:12:42,471 --> 00:12:44,557 And I actually have a pretty strict two-day rule 306 00:12:44,640 --> 00:12:48,811 where I can't see someone more than two days in a row. 307 00:12:48,894 --> 00:12:51,272 So, since we hung out for two days, 308 00:12:51,355 --> 00:12:52,815 even if I were to see you again, 309 00:12:52,898 --> 00:12:54,418 which I won't 'cause you're not dating, 310 00:12:54,442 --> 00:12:55,734 I'm not dating, 311 00:12:56,277 --> 00:12:57,945 I wouldn't be able to see you till Monday. 312 00:12:58,028 --> 00:12:59,488 We haven't hung out for two days. 313 00:12:59,572 --> 00:13:00,972 We've hung out for about five hours. 314 00:13:01,073 --> 00:13:02,741 - Yeah, but... - Just to be totally clear. 315 00:13:02,825 --> 00:13:05,870 Yesterday and today 'cause it's after midnight. 316 00:13:06,120 --> 00:13:08,289 So, today is actually tomorrow, 317 00:13:08,372 --> 00:13:10,583 earlier tonight was yesterday, so two days. 318 00:13:10,666 --> 00:13:12,793 You see, I don't date time-nerds, 319 00:13:12,877 --> 00:13:16,130 so that really takes you off the table. 320 00:13:16,213 --> 00:13:17,232 (Laughing) That works out 321 00:13:17,256 --> 00:13:19,800 'cause I am a hardcore time-nerd. 322 00:13:19,884 --> 00:13:20,801 Yeah, I can tell. 323 00:13:20,885 --> 00:13:24,388 I'm, like, very strict about a.m./p.m. stuff and... 324 00:13:25,639 --> 00:13:27,808 So, wait. So, just to establish, 325 00:13:27,892 --> 00:13:28,892 what did we decide? 326 00:13:29,226 --> 00:13:31,437 We decided we aren't ever gonna see each other again. 327 00:13:31,729 --> 00:13:32,729 Great. 328 00:13:33,564 --> 00:13:35,274 I'm glad we're on the same page. 329 00:13:43,365 --> 00:13:44,742 Look at my jeans, Kumi. 330 00:13:44,825 --> 00:13:46,785 They're from Citizens of Humanity. 331 00:13:46,869 --> 00:13:48,180 - That's the brand's name. - FATIMA : Oh. 332 00:13:48,204 --> 00:13:49,284 They're so soft. Touch them. 333 00:13:49,330 --> 00:13:50,474 KUMAIL : I don't want to touch your jeans. 334 00:13:50,498 --> 00:13:51,683 - AZMAT : Come on, touch them. - I'll touch them. 335 00:13:51,707 --> 00:13:53,027 They're like sweatpants, you know. 336 00:13:53,292 --> 00:13:55,187 You should be stylish like your father, you know. 337 00:13:55,211 --> 00:13:56,811 It's not very difficult. Just observe me. 338 00:13:56,879 --> 00:13:58,881 - Get some Daddy style. - SHARMEEN : Yeah. 339 00:13:59,006 --> 00:14:01,133 Kumi, why don't you grow a beard? 340 00:14:01,425 --> 00:14:03,010 Not like Naveed's, just a small one. 341 00:14:03,093 --> 00:14:04,362 - FATIMA : Not like his. - Maybe like mine. 342 00:14:04,386 --> 00:14:05,429 Small, cool, and stylish. 343 00:14:05,513 --> 00:14:06,573 SHARMEEN : Kumi, I've been thinking. 344 00:14:06,597 --> 00:14:09,308 You know, why you don't enroll for LSAT now? 345 00:14:10,100 --> 00:14:12,353 Yeah, sorry, Ma, I haven't done it yet. 346 00:14:12,603 --> 00:14:13,854 I like that you bring it up 347 00:14:13,938 --> 00:14:15,564 as if you've never brought it up before. 348 00:14:15,648 --> 00:14:17,149 How's the stand-up coming, Bhai? 349 00:14:21,153 --> 00:14:22,613 It's going fine. Thank you. 350 00:14:22,696 --> 00:14:24,740 Yeah, since when are you someone to stand up? 351 00:14:24,823 --> 00:14:26,742 You know who I think should stand up is Malala. 352 00:14:26,825 --> 00:14:28,011 - She has something to say. - Malala, yeah. 353 00:14:28,035 --> 00:14:29,471 - Ooh, I love Malala. - She has something to say. 354 00:14:29,495 --> 00:14:31,747 - Malala. - KUMAIL : Yeah. I know. 355 00:14:31,830 --> 00:14:33,374 She does open mics, and she crushes. 356 00:14:33,499 --> 00:14:35,668 A lot of ethnic material, which I think is a crutch, 357 00:14:35,751 --> 00:14:38,045 and that one story gets a lot of play, but... 358 00:14:38,587 --> 00:14:39,797 You should be on that show 359 00:14:40,005 --> 00:14:41,257 - Saturday Night Live. - SNL. 360 00:14:41,340 --> 00:14:42,817 That's a great idea. I should e-mail them. 361 00:14:42,841 --> 00:14:44,319 I don't know why I hadn't thought of that. 362 00:14:44,343 --> 00:14:45,695 You know, I hacked into your cousin 363 00:14:45,719 --> 00:14:46,929 Rehan's Facebook account. 364 00:14:47,012 --> 00:14:48,156 - You hacked into it? - SHARMEEN : Oh. 365 00:14:48,180 --> 00:14:49,824 Yeah, they were not accepting my friends request, 366 00:14:49,848 --> 00:14:50,951 - so I had to hack into it... - (Laughing) Okay. 367 00:14:50,975 --> 00:14:53,477 ...and I discovered that he and that white woman 368 00:14:53,561 --> 00:14:55,729 that he's living with are having a baby. 369 00:14:55,813 --> 00:14:57,773 - They're married. - Yeah, whatever. 370 00:14:57,856 --> 00:14:59,876 And then I hacked into Tumblr, and I discovered that 371 00:14:59,900 --> 00:15:02,194 they have named the baby Da-vé. 372 00:15:03,028 --> 00:15:04,738 - Can you imagine? - Dave. 373 00:15:05,072 --> 00:15:07,032 AZMAT : Dave? KUMAIL : It's probably Dave. 374 00:15:07,116 --> 00:15:08,742 - Oh. Oh, Dave. Dave. - (Fatima laughs) 375 00:15:08,826 --> 00:15:10,637 - NAVEED : Nobody's named Da-vé. - It's very, very, very sad. 376 00:15:10,661 --> 00:15:12,663 No one is going to visit that baby, and that baby, 377 00:15:12,746 --> 00:15:14,748 mark my words, will grow up without a family. 378 00:15:14,915 --> 00:15:16,667 It's like he's dead or worse. 379 00:15:16,750 --> 00:15:18,919 SHARMEEN : It is very sad. Kumi, 380 00:15:19,003 --> 00:15:21,672 go and pray now, so then we can eat ice cream. Go. 381 00:15:21,755 --> 00:15:23,441 - Go. Please, go. - Yeah, Ma, I need to finish. 382 00:15:23,465 --> 00:15:25,426 - Hurry up, Bhai. Ice cream. - (Fatima laughs) 383 00:15:25,509 --> 00:15:26,903 SHARMEEN : And then we'll eat ice cream. 384 00:15:26,927 --> 00:15:29,471 Stop, stop. Janamaz is downstairs. Go. 385 00:15:29,638 --> 00:15:31,432 - Stop. - (Fatima laughs) 386 00:15:31,515 --> 00:15:33,355 - AZMAT : What is this? - (Indistinct chatter) 387 00:15:50,409 --> 00:15:51,577 (Man shouts on video) 388 00:15:51,660 --> 00:15:53,203 (Woman laughs on video) 389 00:15:54,163 --> 00:15:55,581 (Alarm beeps) 390 00:15:58,626 --> 00:15:59,460 I don't know, I think... 391 00:15:59,543 --> 00:16:00,878 My mother used to make best kulfi. 392 00:16:00,961 --> 00:16:02,504 - Your grandmother. - Oh, yeah? 393 00:16:02,588 --> 00:16:04,108 I think ice cream is better than kulfi. 394 00:16:04,173 --> 00:16:05,591 - No, no, no. - (Doorbell rings) 395 00:16:05,674 --> 00:16:08,177 Oh. I wonder who that could be. 396 00:16:08,260 --> 00:16:11,180 - AZMAT : Yeah. - Let me check. I don't know. 397 00:16:11,263 --> 00:16:13,599 I'm guessing it's a young, single Pakistani woman 398 00:16:13,682 --> 00:16:15,601 who just happened to be driving by our house, 399 00:16:15,684 --> 00:16:16,685 which is on a cul-de-sac. 400 00:16:16,769 --> 00:16:17,954 - Well... - And I'm also guessing 401 00:16:17,978 --> 00:16:19,897 that the phrase "dropped in" 402 00:16:19,980 --> 00:16:21,565 will be said in the next ten seconds. 403 00:16:21,815 --> 00:16:23,233 - Ten. - Ten, nine... 404 00:16:23,734 --> 00:16:25,903 - BOTH :...eight, seven... - Quiet. 405 00:16:25,986 --> 00:16:28,530 Everyone, this is Zubeida. 406 00:16:28,781 --> 00:16:30,574 - She just dropped in. - Salaam. 407 00:16:30,658 --> 00:16:32,117 (All greeting in Urdu) 408 00:16:32,201 --> 00:16:33,869 - Come, please. Sit. - Mmm. 409 00:16:36,246 --> 00:16:39,166 Oh, here, Kumail, for your files. 410 00:16:39,708 --> 00:16:41,543 - Thank you. - Your X-Files because... 411 00:16:41,627 --> 00:16:43,671 - Thank you. - ...that's your favorite show. 412 00:16:43,754 --> 00:16:44,754 (Chuckles) Huh? 413 00:16:46,090 --> 00:16:47,299 Thank you so much. 414 00:16:48,175 --> 00:16:50,135 "The truth is out there." (Laughs) 415 00:16:50,219 --> 00:16:51,679 (All laughing) 416 00:16:52,930 --> 00:16:54,848 - Uh-huh. - KUMAIL : It's from the show. 417 00:16:56,600 --> 00:16:57,810 Thank you. 418 00:16:58,352 --> 00:16:59,645 - Thank you. Yeah. - BOTH : Bye. 419 00:16:59,728 --> 00:17:01,730 - Bye. - I hope you come back. 420 00:17:02,398 --> 00:17:03,440 (Door closes) 421 00:17:03,524 --> 00:17:06,652 Kumi, there's not just going to be a magic spark, okay? 422 00:17:06,735 --> 00:17:09,446 You have to work at it. You have to stay open. 423 00:17:09,822 --> 00:17:11,657 - Okay, Ma. Okay. Yeah, yeah. - Okay. Good. 424 00:17:11,740 --> 00:17:13,659 I just wish you were better at it, you know? 425 00:17:13,742 --> 00:17:15,762 I mean, you've had so much practice, and you're still... 426 00:17:15,786 --> 00:17:17,955 - You're not that good at it. - Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. 427 00:17:18,038 --> 00:17:19,265 Brought your A-game with NAVEED, 428 00:17:19,289 --> 00:17:21,500 but with me, you're just phoning it in a little bit. 429 00:17:21,583 --> 00:17:23,585 Again with the comedy, the comedy. 430 00:17:23,669 --> 00:17:26,338 All the time with the comedy. Be serious sometimes. 431 00:17:26,422 --> 00:17:28,340 I am serious. I want to help you get better. 432 00:17:39,101 --> 00:17:41,121 EMILY : So, are you ever gonna let me sit in the front seat? 433 00:17:41,145 --> 00:17:42,646 KUMAIL : No, I'm a professional, 434 00:17:42,730 --> 00:17:44,231 and you're paying for this ride. 435 00:17:44,398 --> 00:17:45,718 I don't want to pay for this ride. 436 00:17:45,774 --> 00:17:47,901 - It's surging right now. - (Laughs) 437 00:17:48,986 --> 00:17:51,196 - Yeah. Sorry. - (Laughs) 438 00:17:51,280 --> 00:17:52,865 You shouldn't have typed in the number. 439 00:17:53,615 --> 00:17:57,327 Okay, the year is 1969. 440 00:17:57,661 --> 00:17:59,580 MGM has had a string of failures, 441 00:17:59,663 --> 00:18:03,917 so it turns to its most bankable star, Vincent Price. 442 00:18:04,001 --> 00:18:05,836 Is this your compatibility test? 443 00:18:05,919 --> 00:18:09,089 Like the way some people are with Vonnegut or Big Lebowski? 444 00:18:09,173 --> 00:18:11,842 No, just watch the movie and take it seriously 445 00:18:11,925 --> 00:18:13,027 - because it's very serious. - I'm gonna love it. 446 00:18:13,051 --> 00:18:15,012 I love it when men test me on my taste. 447 00:18:15,095 --> 00:18:16,695 I just want to share this movie with you, 448 00:18:16,764 --> 00:18:18,324 so I don't know why you're reading into... 449 00:18:18,348 --> 00:18:20,976 How many women have you showed this movie to? 450 00:18:22,269 --> 00:18:23,269 Zero. 451 00:18:23,479 --> 00:18:26,565 How many women have you shown a "B" horror movie to 452 00:18:26,648 --> 00:18:27,941 on, like, a third date? 453 00:18:30,569 --> 00:18:32,154 This is not a "B" horror movie. 454 00:18:32,237 --> 00:18:33,322 (Laughs) 455 00:18:33,405 --> 00:18:34,531 Okay, are you ready? 456 00:18:34,865 --> 00:18:37,534 Just close your eyes 'cause when the menu comes on, 457 00:18:37,618 --> 00:18:38,952 there's some spoilers in the menu. 458 00:18:39,036 --> 00:18:40,579 - Okay? - I'm ready, I'm ready. 459 00:18:40,662 --> 00:18:41,705 Okay, I'll hit play. 460 00:18:43,165 --> 00:18:44,165 Okay, go. 461 00:18:47,044 --> 00:18:49,838 (Dramatic organ music playing) 462 00:18:58,847 --> 00:19:00,182 (Whispering) Watch. 463 00:19:00,432 --> 00:19:02,184 - I'm watching. - Shh. 464 00:19:02,267 --> 00:19:03,769 (Whispering) Watch this part. 465 00:19:04,603 --> 00:19:05,687 (Yawns) 466 00:19:06,230 --> 00:19:07,773 - No. - What? 467 00:19:07,856 --> 00:19:09,376 If you're tired, we can watch it later. 468 00:19:09,566 --> 00:19:11,443 (Laughs) Sorry. Just have that weird, like, 469 00:19:11,902 --> 00:19:13,403 yawning thing that happens 470 00:19:13,570 --> 00:19:15,489 when you're watching a really boring film. 471 00:19:15,572 --> 00:19:16,907 (Laughing) 472 00:19:16,990 --> 00:19:19,827 It's not boring. Just wait for it to kick in. 473 00:19:19,910 --> 00:19:21,495 - The plot kicks in really soon. - Okay. 474 00:19:21,578 --> 00:19:26,416 PHIBES ON TV: Your loss. Nine times nine. 475 00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:29,002 Nine killed you. 476 00:19:29,294 --> 00:19:30,379 EMILY : That was fun. 477 00:19:30,462 --> 00:19:33,799 Uh, thanks for the ride home, but we got to stop doing this. 478 00:19:33,882 --> 00:19:35,801 - KUMAIL : Yeah. - I know I've said that before, 479 00:19:35,884 --> 00:19:37,052 but I really do mean it. 480 00:19:37,135 --> 00:19:38,804 I can't be doing this right now. 481 00:19:38,887 --> 00:19:42,099 I know, I know. Totally. 100 percent. 482 00:19:43,141 --> 00:19:44,393 I agree with you. 483 00:19:44,476 --> 00:19:46,311 - So, don't call me again. - I won't. 484 00:19:47,062 --> 00:19:48,355 I promise. 485 00:19:48,689 --> 00:19:50,524 Good luck on all your future endeavors. 486 00:19:50,607 --> 00:19:51,984 Oh, yeah, thank you. 487 00:19:52,276 --> 00:19:53,610 Hey, can we have an awkward hug 488 00:19:53,694 --> 00:19:55,696 before we part forever? 489 00:19:57,364 --> 00:19:58,699 - Okay. - Okay. 490 00:19:59,867 --> 00:20:01,118 Uh... 491 00:20:06,373 --> 00:20:07,583 - Bye. - Bye. 492 00:20:09,042 --> 00:20:10,043 (Sighs) 493 00:20:14,673 --> 00:20:16,425 (Cell phone ringing) 494 00:20:21,430 --> 00:20:25,309 Uh, you just promised never to call me again, so... 495 00:20:26,184 --> 00:20:28,103 It's really cold out here. 496 00:20:29,479 --> 00:20:30,814 It's so cold. 497 00:20:30,898 --> 00:20:32,608 You make a pretty good point. 498 00:20:32,691 --> 00:20:34,276 It is a lot warmer in here. 499 00:20:34,359 --> 00:20:36,028 KUMAIL : It is warmer in here. 500 00:20:36,612 --> 00:20:38,089 EMILY : You know, it's really nice upstairs. 501 00:20:38,113 --> 00:20:39,114 KUMAIL : Is it? 502 00:20:41,533 --> 00:20:43,452 (Laughing) Whoa... Whoa! 503 00:20:44,620 --> 00:20:46,705 What are you doing? Okay. 504 00:20:46,788 --> 00:20:48,165 Just trying to get comfy. 505 00:20:48,248 --> 00:20:49,350 - (Indistinct conversation) - (Doorbell rings) 506 00:20:49,374 --> 00:20:51,209 Oh, let me see. Who could that be? 507 00:20:55,589 --> 00:20:56,632 (Doorbell rings) 508 00:20:56,715 --> 00:20:58,717 Oh, I wonder who that could be. 509 00:21:03,263 --> 00:21:04,556 (Laughing) 510 00:21:06,224 --> 00:21:07,264 - Uncle. - (Emily laughs) 511 00:21:07,309 --> 00:21:08,143 (Doorbell rings) 512 00:21:08,226 --> 00:21:09,811 SHARMEEN : Oh, let me see who is that. 513 00:21:11,980 --> 00:21:13,440 CJ : Emily, so has Kumail told you 514 00:21:13,523 --> 00:21:15,359 that in addition to being an Uber driver, 515 00:21:15,442 --> 00:21:18,236 he also has a one-man show? 516 00:21:18,737 --> 00:21:20,280 No, he did not tell me that. 517 00:21:20,364 --> 00:21:22,532 - Do you really? - Oh, it's really nothing. 518 00:21:22,616 --> 00:21:24,376 It's just something I'm fiddling around with. 519 00:21:24,451 --> 00:21:26,870 How is a one-man show different from stand-up? 520 00:21:26,954 --> 00:21:28,056 - It's really not. - I guess it's because 521 00:21:28,080 --> 00:21:31,249 there's lots of, like, wigs and costume changes. 522 00:21:31,333 --> 00:21:32,793 And there's a lot of acting in it. 523 00:21:32,876 --> 00:21:35,462 MARY : Mmm. And then, like, at the end of it, 524 00:21:35,545 --> 00:21:38,048 you've got this very awkward conversation where you go, 525 00:21:38,423 --> 00:21:40,008 "I really liked it." 526 00:21:40,258 --> 00:21:42,094 But I thought you really liked it. 527 00:21:42,177 --> 00:21:44,388 I really liked it. 528 00:21:44,846 --> 00:21:47,307 - I can't wait to see this show. - Oh, yeah. 529 00:21:47,391 --> 00:21:49,077 Okay, you will never see the show because it's... 530 00:21:49,101 --> 00:21:50,203 - Oh, you have to see it. - You have to. 531 00:21:50,227 --> 00:21:51,454 - It's not ready. It's not... - CJ : You have to... 532 00:21:51,478 --> 00:21:53,855 - You will love the acting. - You have to see it. 533 00:21:53,939 --> 00:21:55,541 They're fucking with you. It's not really like this. 534 00:21:55,565 --> 00:21:57,025 They're fucking with me or with you? 535 00:21:57,109 --> 00:21:58,211 It's actually very significant. 536 00:21:58,235 --> 00:21:59,755 It seems like they're fucking with you. 537 00:22:01,905 --> 00:22:04,157 I'm 12 years old, and this... 538 00:22:05,826 --> 00:22:07,035 This is home. 539 00:22:08,620 --> 00:22:10,205 Feels like I never left. 540 00:22:11,123 --> 00:22:12,374 Do you smell that? 541 00:22:12,916 --> 00:22:16,211 That's my mom cooking the murgh rogan josh. 542 00:22:17,129 --> 00:22:19,089 - (Whispering) Fuck. - KUMAIL : Do you hear that? 543 00:22:19,423 --> 00:22:22,050 That's my father watching cricket on the telly. 544 00:22:23,093 --> 00:22:24,678 Do you feel that? 545 00:22:25,012 --> 00:22:27,889 That's the weight of Pakistan's history. 546 00:22:27,973 --> 00:22:29,975 Pakistan was formed when it separated 547 00:22:30,058 --> 00:22:34,229 from its biggest rival, India, on August 14th, 1947. 548 00:22:34,896 --> 00:22:36,898 (Grunts) Six runs. 549 00:22:36,982 --> 00:22:38,984 Silly mid on. Short mid-wicket. 550 00:22:39,151 --> 00:22:40,902 Mid-wicket. Deep mid-wicket. 551 00:22:40,986 --> 00:22:44,656 Mid on. Long on. Long off. Bowler. Mid off. 552 00:22:44,990 --> 00:22:46,158 A googly is when a... 553 00:22:46,241 --> 00:22:47,552 (Whispers) I have to leave as soon as the show's over. 554 00:22:47,576 --> 00:22:49,286 - I can't stay. Okay. - Okay. 555 00:22:49,369 --> 00:22:51,413 So, if you get a silly mid-on fielder, 556 00:22:51,496 --> 00:22:53,665 you know you're getting a yorker soon. 557 00:22:53,749 --> 00:22:54,749 (Chuckles) 558 00:22:54,958 --> 00:22:57,669 So, to review, Pakistan's biggest exports 559 00:22:57,753 --> 00:23:00,922 - are cotton and... - AUDIENCE : Concrete. 560 00:23:01,256 --> 00:23:02,734 - (Whispering) Kill me. - KUMAIL : That's right. 561 00:23:02,758 --> 00:23:05,010 Eid Mubarak. That's our Christmas. 562 00:23:05,093 --> 00:23:07,345 Except instead of the traditional Christmas ham, 563 00:23:07,429 --> 00:23:08,680 we serve mithai, 564 00:23:08,764 --> 00:23:11,933 which my khansamah, Chris, will serve to you right now. 565 00:23:12,267 --> 00:23:14,895 Khansamah is Urdu for "servant." 566 00:23:15,312 --> 00:23:16,563 If you want to make it at home, 567 00:23:16,855 --> 00:23:18,982 the main ingredients are condensed milk, 568 00:23:19,066 --> 00:23:20,567 sugar, and love. 569 00:23:20,817 --> 00:23:22,569 At least, that was my mom's recipe. 570 00:23:22,778 --> 00:23:24,905 Hey, you look like a children's toy from Malaysia. 571 00:23:24,988 --> 00:23:25,822 KUMAIL : Now would you all please rise 572 00:23:25,906 --> 00:23:27,324 for the Pakistani national anthem? 573 00:23:27,407 --> 00:23:29,493 (Drumroll) 574 00:23:29,868 --> 00:23:33,789 (Singing) Pak sarzamin shad bad 575 00:23:34,122 --> 00:23:37,542 Kishwar-i hasin shad bad 576 00:23:39,252 --> 00:23:40,271 - (Knock on door) - EMILY : Hey. 577 00:23:40,295 --> 00:23:41,505 Hey. So, what'd you think? 578 00:23:41,588 --> 00:23:43,965 - Um, I thought it was great. - Yeah? 579 00:23:44,049 --> 00:23:45,258 I never knew that Pakistan 580 00:23:45,342 --> 00:23:47,636 had the world's largest irrigation system. 581 00:23:47,719 --> 00:23:50,013 Yeah, something like 14 million hectares 582 00:23:50,097 --> 00:23:50,931 are being irrigated. 583 00:23:51,014 --> 00:23:52,682 Like, as soon as I read that, I was like, 584 00:23:52,766 --> 00:23:53,966 "Oh, that's going in the show." 585 00:23:54,059 --> 00:23:55,060 - Totally. - Hi, Emily. 586 00:23:55,143 --> 00:23:56,144 - KUMAIL : Hey. - Hi, guys. 587 00:23:56,228 --> 00:23:58,855 Hey. Dude, that was... You were in the zone, man. 588 00:23:58,939 --> 00:24:00,500 That was... That was the best one we've seen. 589 00:24:00,524 --> 00:24:04,820 Yeah, that was so honest and good. 590 00:24:05,487 --> 00:24:07,131 CJ : And you know what I realized halfway through? 591 00:24:07,155 --> 00:24:09,032 - You're from Pakistan. - MARY : Yes. 592 00:24:09,116 --> 00:24:10,718 - Cool, good to see you, Emily. - Yes. Okay, bye, guys. 593 00:24:10,742 --> 00:24:12,494 - Great. Bye, guys. - Keep up the... 594 00:24:13,912 --> 00:24:15,914 - They seemed to like it. - They're so nice. 595 00:24:16,665 --> 00:24:19,751 So, really, what'd you think? Like, it's a work in progress. 596 00:24:20,001 --> 00:24:23,338 I really liked it. I learned a lot about Pakistan 597 00:24:23,630 --> 00:24:25,966 and cricket, all those positions. 598 00:24:26,091 --> 00:24:28,552 But I just wish that I had learned more about you. 599 00:24:29,052 --> 00:24:30,637 - Does that make any sense? - Yeah. 600 00:24:42,357 --> 00:24:43,775 (Hinges creaking) 601 00:24:49,573 --> 00:24:50,782 (Rustling) 602 00:24:53,368 --> 00:24:55,537 - Hey. - Oh, hi. 603 00:24:57,289 --> 00:24:58,498 It's 3:00 a.m. 604 00:24:58,582 --> 00:25:02,335 Is that, uh, diner around the corner open? 605 00:25:02,669 --> 00:25:03,962 It's 24 hours. 606 00:25:04,045 --> 00:25:06,923 Why, you want an old lemon meringue pie? 607 00:25:07,090 --> 00:25:08,675 (Chuckles) You're so funny. 608 00:25:09,301 --> 00:25:12,929 No, actually, um, I just, I really need to, um, 609 00:25:13,430 --> 00:25:14,556 get a cup of coffee. 610 00:25:14,639 --> 00:25:15,974 I can make you coffee. 611 00:25:17,976 --> 00:25:21,396 I love diner coffee. I just love that burnt taste. 612 00:25:21,479 --> 00:25:22,397 All right, I'll come with you. 613 00:25:22,480 --> 00:25:24,316 No, no, no, no, no. No, why would you do that? 614 00:25:24,399 --> 00:25:25,442 It's a bad neighborhood. 615 00:25:25,525 --> 00:25:26,985 I'm not gonna let you go on your own. 616 00:25:27,068 --> 00:25:28,379 - Why? 'Cause I'm a woman? - Okay. 617 00:25:28,403 --> 00:25:29,839 Seriously, that's the most misogynous thing 618 00:25:29,863 --> 00:25:30,739 I've ever heard. 619 00:25:30,822 --> 00:25:32,258 - Why are you being so weird? - Fuck you. 620 00:25:32,282 --> 00:25:33,801 - I'm not being weird. - You're being so weird. 621 00:25:33,825 --> 00:25:35,702 You're being weird. You're being so weird. 622 00:25:35,785 --> 00:25:36,888 How am I weird? I want to sleep 623 00:25:36,912 --> 00:25:38,306 - while it's sleep time. - This is normal. 624 00:25:38,330 --> 00:25:40,224 Girls go to get coffee in the middle of the night. 625 00:25:40,248 --> 00:25:41,475 Have you never had a girlfriend before? 626 00:25:41,499 --> 00:25:43,099 - This is what it's like. - Are you okay? 627 00:25:43,168 --> 00:25:45,128 Everything is not okay. Everything is not good. 628 00:25:45,212 --> 00:25:46,963 Hey, hey, hey. You could tell me anything, 629 00:25:47,047 --> 00:25:47,923 you know that, right? 630 00:25:48,006 --> 00:25:49,090 You could tell me anything. 631 00:25:49,174 --> 00:25:51,134 (Loudly] I have to take a shit, okay? 632 00:25:53,803 --> 00:25:56,348 I have to take a huge, fucking dookie. 633 00:25:56,514 --> 00:25:58,600 - (Laughs) - I can't poo in your bathroom 634 00:25:58,934 --> 00:26:00,244 because you don't have any matches, 635 00:26:00,268 --> 00:26:01,579 and you don't have any air freshener. 636 00:26:01,603 --> 00:26:02,914 What kind of person doesn't have any matches 637 00:26:02,938 --> 00:26:04,207 or air freshener in the bathroom? 638 00:26:04,231 --> 00:26:06,900 The walls are so thin, and Chris is right out there. 639 00:26:07,067 --> 00:26:09,736 Please, stop laughing. Please, please, please. 640 00:26:09,903 --> 00:26:11,780 Okay. I have an idea. 641 00:26:22,582 --> 00:26:24,918 Hey. How are you? 642 00:26:25,001 --> 00:26:27,087 I do not want to talk about it. 643 00:26:29,589 --> 00:26:31,007 (Laughs) 644 00:26:33,635 --> 00:26:35,011 Watch and learn, Bhai. 645 00:26:35,553 --> 00:26:38,181 It's all about shifting the weight and the torque. 646 00:26:38,765 --> 00:26:39,849 Oh, Christ. 647 00:26:40,016 --> 00:26:41,851 Oh. Okay. 648 00:26:43,770 --> 00:26:44,980 (Grunts) 649 00:26:45,814 --> 00:26:48,441 Hey, you're like a Pakistani Sammy Sosa. 650 00:26:49,609 --> 00:26:51,778 WOMAN : There you go, honey. Yeah. That's it. 651 00:26:51,861 --> 00:26:53,822 KUMAIL : He's pretty good. Just do what he's doing. 652 00:26:54,906 --> 00:26:56,157 MAN : Okay, great. 653 00:26:56,866 --> 00:26:57,866 NAVEED : Mine. 654 00:26:58,076 --> 00:26:59,428 KUMAIL : Come on, man, just let me... 655 00:26:59,452 --> 00:27:01,538 NAVEED : Mine. Mine, mine, mine, thank you. 656 00:27:01,621 --> 00:27:03,432 - Why do you get the Chana? - NAVEED : You go on that... No. 657 00:27:03,456 --> 00:27:04,457 KUMAIL : Mmm. 658 00:27:05,208 --> 00:27:06,543 This cookie's really good. 659 00:27:06,793 --> 00:27:08,295 They're biscuits. Listen to yourself. 660 00:27:08,378 --> 00:27:09,879 You hardly sound Pakistani. 661 00:27:10,130 --> 00:27:11,298 "Cookies." 662 00:27:11,548 --> 00:27:13,091 Sound like Julia Louis-Dreyfus. 663 00:27:14,134 --> 00:27:15,343 Such a burger. 664 00:27:15,719 --> 00:27:17,196 - I'm not a burger. - Yes, you're a burger. 665 00:27:17,220 --> 00:27:18,322 - I'm not a burger. - You're a big, fat burger. 666 00:27:18,346 --> 00:27:20,056 And biscuit is actually a British term. 667 00:27:20,140 --> 00:27:21,409 Oh, thank you for all the information 668 00:27:21,433 --> 00:27:22,350 I don't give a shit about. 669 00:27:22,434 --> 00:27:24,234 And you should listen to Mom and grow a beard. 670 00:27:25,061 --> 00:27:26,604 Gets really itchy. I've tried. 671 00:27:26,688 --> 00:27:27,707 - It's all patchy. - Oh, is it itchy? 672 00:27:27,731 --> 00:27:29,500 - I know I sound like a baby. - Well, try being a man 673 00:27:29,524 --> 00:27:30,942 and conditioning like I do. 674 00:27:31,192 --> 00:27:32,552 What's the whole thing with Muslims 675 00:27:32,610 --> 00:27:33,611 growing beards, anyway? 676 00:27:33,695 --> 00:27:35,095 It's such an arbitrary thing, right? 677 00:27:35,155 --> 00:27:37,532 Like, who decided that, "Oh, we have to have beards." 678 00:27:37,615 --> 00:27:39,535 Oh. But you'll do... So, there's a billion of us, 679 00:27:39,576 --> 00:27:41,119 and you're the only one with the truth. 680 00:27:41,244 --> 00:27:42,662 Is that right? 681 00:27:42,746 --> 00:27:45,165 So, the sun is just shining down on you right now. 682 00:27:45,248 --> 00:27:47,459 It's just parting. (Vocalizing) 683 00:27:50,003 --> 00:27:53,465 You know, I have to tell you something, Bhai. 684 00:27:55,091 --> 00:27:56,801 Here we go. Yeah. 685 00:27:59,262 --> 00:28:01,222 - I've been dating this girl. - (Speaks Urdu) 686 00:28:02,265 --> 00:28:03,516 - She's white. - Oh. 687 00:28:03,683 --> 00:28:04,744 I thought you were gonna say 688 00:28:04,768 --> 00:28:06,144 you were involved in a hit-and-run 689 00:28:06,227 --> 00:28:07,812 or you got caught forging some checks, 690 00:28:07,896 --> 00:28:09,814 - but a white girl? - (Stammers) 691 00:28:09,898 --> 00:28:11,338 NAVEED : I mean, that's such a cliché. 692 00:28:11,399 --> 00:28:12,710 It's okay, and we hate terrorists. 693 00:28:12,734 --> 00:28:14,152 - It's... - Just... sorry. 694 00:28:16,321 --> 00:28:18,073 Listen, I understand. You're in America, 695 00:28:18,156 --> 00:28:19,449 and you want to mow a few lawns 696 00:28:19,532 --> 00:28:20,825 and see what it's like, but... 697 00:28:21,326 --> 00:28:24,496 Eventually, you have to marry a Pakistani girl. 698 00:28:24,579 --> 00:28:25,622 Like... 699 00:28:26,247 --> 00:28:28,208 Like, I hung out with other girls, 700 00:28:28,458 --> 00:28:30,085 but then I married Fatima. 701 00:28:30,293 --> 00:28:31,973 And we hardly spoke two words to each other 702 00:28:32,045 --> 00:28:34,547 in the first few months, but now, Kumi, 703 00:28:34,631 --> 00:28:36,591 - she's like my best friend. - I know. 704 00:28:36,674 --> 00:28:38,385 You have to break up with her immediately. 705 00:28:39,844 --> 00:28:42,180 If I find someone who's as good for me 706 00:28:42,263 --> 00:28:43,556 as Fatima is for you, 707 00:28:43,848 --> 00:28:45,308 Mom would understand, right? 708 00:28:45,392 --> 00:28:47,852 I mean, she wouldn't love me less. 709 00:28:47,936 --> 00:28:49,479 Oh, she'd definitely love you less. 710 00:28:49,979 --> 00:28:51,106 Slowly, it'd sort of... 711 00:28:52,065 --> 00:28:54,526 What's the word when guys stop returning girl's calls? 712 00:28:55,235 --> 00:28:56,486 - Ghosting? - Yes. 713 00:28:56,569 --> 00:28:59,406 You have to end it now, or Mom will fucking ghost you. 714 00:29:00,073 --> 00:29:01,241 Now, come on. 715 00:29:02,242 --> 00:29:03,493 Batting. 716 00:29:05,537 --> 00:29:07,457 - (Jazz music playing) - (Indistinct chatter) 717 00:29:11,084 --> 00:29:13,753 I am getting, like, a lot of bright fruit. 718 00:29:13,837 --> 00:29:15,296 I'd say it's very fruit-forward. 719 00:29:15,380 --> 00:29:18,133 Mmm-hmm. It tastes like grape juice that's gone bad. 720 00:29:18,216 --> 00:29:19,092 - Like... - (Laughing) Yeah. 721 00:29:19,175 --> 00:29:20,535 Why do you know so much about wine? 722 00:29:21,761 --> 00:29:24,180 Um, because, 723 00:29:24,806 --> 00:29:26,266 uh... 724 00:29:27,058 --> 00:29:29,727 I was pretty unhappy in my first marriage, 725 00:29:29,811 --> 00:29:31,271 and I drank a lot, 726 00:29:31,479 --> 00:29:34,232 and, uh, one way to cover drinking a lot is to just, 727 00:29:34,315 --> 00:29:35,650 like, know a lot about wine. 728 00:29:35,733 --> 00:29:37,277 Wait. I'm sorry. What did you just say? 729 00:29:37,360 --> 00:29:39,737 That knowing a lot about wine covers for drinking a lot. 730 00:29:39,821 --> 00:29:42,073 (Laughs) Uh, no, I mean the huge piece of information 731 00:29:42,157 --> 00:29:43,837 that you're trying to just blow right past. 732 00:29:43,992 --> 00:29:46,327 Yeah. Yeah, I was married. 733 00:29:46,411 --> 00:29:47,721 - You were married? - Um... I was. 734 00:29:47,745 --> 00:29:48,830 I was married. 735 00:29:49,372 --> 00:29:51,791 Do you want to talk about something else or... 736 00:29:52,167 --> 00:29:54,043 Yeah, 'cause I don't really have any questions. 737 00:29:54,127 --> 00:29:55,295 - No. - Other than... 738 00:29:55,420 --> 00:29:57,714 When did you get married? When did you get divorced? 739 00:29:57,797 --> 00:29:59,549 What's his name? How tall is he? 740 00:29:59,632 --> 00:30:00,842 Did you love him? 741 00:30:00,925 --> 00:30:02,302 I guess I have a couple questions. 742 00:30:02,385 --> 00:30:03,385 Uh-huh. 743 00:30:04,179 --> 00:30:08,224 Um, his name was... is Ryan. 744 00:30:08,475 --> 00:30:09,976 We met in college. 745 00:30:10,852 --> 00:30:13,188 Everyone I knew was getting married super young, 746 00:30:13,271 --> 00:30:19,444 so we did, and, um, one day I was at a restaurant, 747 00:30:19,611 --> 00:30:22,530 and I saw this couple making out. 748 00:30:23,156 --> 00:30:25,992 And I thought, 749 00:30:26,075 --> 00:30:28,703 "Huh. I don't think about my husband like that. 750 00:30:28,912 --> 00:30:30,163 "But that's okay." 751 00:30:30,955 --> 00:30:32,790 And then another part of my brain was like, 752 00:30:32,874 --> 00:30:35,543 "No, that's not okay. This is your life." 753 00:30:36,169 --> 00:30:37,754 I feel like this is freaking you out. 754 00:30:37,837 --> 00:30:40,131 - Is this freaking you out? - It's not freaking me out. 755 00:30:41,841 --> 00:30:43,927 I don't want to put pressure on you. 756 00:30:44,511 --> 00:30:46,596 And I know it's only been a few months, 757 00:30:47,096 --> 00:30:49,516 but I just wanted to tell you, I... 758 00:30:50,934 --> 00:30:53,978 ...am... overwhelmed by you. 759 00:30:55,104 --> 00:30:56,981 It's the last thing I was expecting. 760 00:31:00,151 --> 00:31:02,737 This is also the last thing I was expecting. 761 00:31:03,571 --> 00:31:06,824 And I also feel completely overwhelmed by you. 762 00:31:09,494 --> 00:31:11,579 - That's a weird thing to say. - Why? 763 00:31:11,663 --> 00:31:14,082 I just said what you said, exactly what you said. 764 00:31:14,165 --> 00:31:16,626 Yeah, it wasn't weird when I said it. 765 00:31:18,670 --> 00:31:21,089 - No... - It's okay. 766 00:31:29,847 --> 00:31:31,766 So, listen, my parents are going 767 00:31:31,849 --> 00:31:34,686 - to be in town this weekend. - Oh, that's great. 768 00:31:34,769 --> 00:31:36,809 Will you maybe want to come and meet them for lunch? 769 00:31:38,398 --> 00:31:40,942 Oh, we can't 'cause of the two-day rule, right? 770 00:31:41,359 --> 00:31:43,695 Well, you'll come to Mary's party Friday night, right? 771 00:31:43,778 --> 00:31:45,172 And then we'll probably spend the night, 772 00:31:45,196 --> 00:31:47,407 so I won't be able to see you till Monday, so... 773 00:31:48,074 --> 00:31:51,911 Okay. Well, I would love to meet your parents. 774 00:31:52,078 --> 00:31:53,538 They live in the city, right? 775 00:31:53,913 --> 00:31:57,083 Well, they live in the suburbs, 776 00:31:57,166 --> 00:31:58,960 and, uh, you know, 777 00:31:59,043 --> 00:32:00,378 I don't really see them very much. 778 00:32:00,670 --> 00:32:02,005 Have they asked about me? 779 00:32:02,088 --> 00:32:03,673 - What do they think? - Oh, um... 780 00:32:03,756 --> 00:32:05,133 Do they... Do they want to meet me? 781 00:32:05,216 --> 00:32:06,467 My parents want to meet you. 782 00:32:06,551 --> 00:32:08,511 Of course, of course. They're dying to meet you. 783 00:32:08,595 --> 00:32:11,055 - Ow. Oh, my God. - Whoa, you okay? 784 00:32:11,139 --> 00:32:13,016 - Yep. - What happened? 785 00:32:13,266 --> 00:32:14,306 - Do you... - Totally fine. 786 00:32:14,684 --> 00:32:15,518 Do you need... 787 00:32:15,602 --> 00:32:16,996 No, I think I just tweaked my ankle. 788 00:32:17,020 --> 00:32:17,895 ...assistance? 789 00:32:17,979 --> 00:32:21,566 I took this stupid hip-hop dance class last weekend. 790 00:32:21,858 --> 00:32:23,377 You should get it looked at. Do you want ice? 791 00:32:23,401 --> 00:32:24,587 - I don't need anything. - I can get you a bag of ice. 792 00:32:24,611 --> 00:32:26,171 Look, I'm walking on it. I'm totally fine. 793 00:32:26,195 --> 00:32:27,881 - I can carry you. - Kumail, seriously, stop. 794 00:32:27,905 --> 00:32:28,823 I can carry you the rest of the day. 795 00:32:28,906 --> 00:32:29,906 Stop. 796 00:32:33,620 --> 00:32:35,455 KUMAIL : Hey, I liked your friends. 797 00:32:36,164 --> 00:32:37,832 That Craig guy? 798 00:32:38,666 --> 00:32:39,876 Or was it Greg? 799 00:32:39,959 --> 00:32:42,170 You know, I can never tell with those names. 800 00:32:43,087 --> 00:32:44,982 I'm glad I like him 'cause I don't want have to, like, 801 00:32:45,006 --> 00:32:47,008 come up with excuses to avoid him, you know? 802 00:32:47,091 --> 00:32:50,887 Like... Like, "Oh, no. I have kite-surfing tonight." 803 00:32:51,763 --> 00:32:55,099 You know, in the UK, Craig is pronounced Crayg, 804 00:32:55,683 --> 00:32:58,311 which is good 'cause that's how it's written, right? 805 00:32:58,686 --> 00:33:00,938 Anyway, he's a great guy. 806 00:33:03,900 --> 00:33:05,568 I was gonna tell you about that. 807 00:33:06,235 --> 00:33:09,489 Are you judging Pakistan's Next Top Model or something? 808 00:33:09,572 --> 00:33:11,949 - (Laughs) No. - Seriously. 809 00:33:12,033 --> 00:33:13,993 - Who are these women? - Okay, um... 810 00:33:14,327 --> 00:33:16,537 You know how we have arranged marriage in my culture? 811 00:33:18,414 --> 00:33:19,707 These are those women. 812 00:33:20,333 --> 00:33:23,086 These are women in Pakistan who want to marry you? 813 00:33:23,419 --> 00:33:24,629 They're not in Pakistan. 814 00:33:25,254 --> 00:33:26,255 You've met these women? 815 00:33:26,339 --> 00:33:29,258 Just with my parents and stuff, but we haven't, like... 816 00:33:29,592 --> 00:33:31,678 But you're not serious about this, are you? 817 00:33:31,761 --> 00:33:34,514 It's my mom's thing. I just go along with it. 818 00:33:35,765 --> 00:33:38,101 So, what does your mom think about you and me then? 819 00:33:41,771 --> 00:33:43,564 She doesn't know about me, does she? 820 00:33:45,566 --> 00:33:46,651 No. 821 00:33:51,739 --> 00:33:53,074 (Emily sighs) 822 00:33:54,826 --> 00:33:56,285 - Emily, just... - Fuck! 823 00:33:56,369 --> 00:33:57,649 Five fucking months of red flags. 824 00:33:58,204 --> 00:33:59,455 Oh, my God, I'm so stupid. 825 00:34:01,082 --> 00:34:02,542 You ducking my parents. 826 00:34:02,834 --> 00:34:05,002 Oh, my God, the two-day rule. 827 00:34:05,086 --> 00:34:06,397 No, that had nothing to do with it. 828 00:34:06,421 --> 00:34:08,089 Seriously. Red flag after red flag. 829 00:34:09,424 --> 00:34:11,926 You're such a liar. You lied to me. 830 00:34:12,009 --> 00:34:13,469 You lied to your parents. 831 00:34:14,262 --> 00:34:15,972 And those are just the people you like. 832 00:34:16,431 --> 00:34:18,433 Is there someone that you're not lying to? 833 00:34:18,766 --> 00:34:20,806 I'd love to meet them because then I could tell them 834 00:34:20,852 --> 00:34:22,663 - what a fucking liar you are! - You know what? 835 00:34:22,687 --> 00:34:24,623 You didn't tell me about your divorce until recently. 836 00:34:24,647 --> 00:34:26,482 So, you were hiding fucking something, too. 837 00:34:26,607 --> 00:34:30,403 My divorce does not mean that our future is impossible. 838 00:34:30,486 --> 00:34:32,113 It actually means the direct opposite. 839 00:34:32,321 --> 00:34:34,657 I'm not hiding anything from you. Okay? 840 00:34:34,907 --> 00:34:36,159 I'm an open fucking book. 841 00:34:36,242 --> 00:34:38,286 You want to know what's in my cigar box? 842 00:34:39,078 --> 00:34:40,079 (Crying) Stickers. 843 00:34:40,538 --> 00:34:41,456 Stickers and stamps. 844 00:34:41,539 --> 00:34:43,267 Aren't you a therapist? Aren't you supposed to be good 845 00:34:43,291 --> 00:34:45,611 - at handling this kind of... - Where are my fucking shoes? 846 00:34:46,586 --> 00:34:48,796 Aren't you supposed to be, like, able to deal with this 847 00:34:48,880 --> 00:34:50,548 better than you are right now? 848 00:34:50,757 --> 00:34:52,633 I am expressing myself! 849 00:34:55,178 --> 00:34:58,014 You know what we call arranged marriage in Pakistan, Emily? 850 00:34:58,306 --> 00:35:01,309 Marriage. Okay? We just call it marriage. 851 00:35:01,684 --> 00:35:02,602 There's another type of marriage. 852 00:35:02,685 --> 00:35:04,079 It's called love marriage, and that's bad. 853 00:35:04,103 --> 00:35:05,539 My cousin Rehan married an Irish woman, 854 00:35:05,563 --> 00:35:07,148 and he was kicked out of the family. 855 00:35:07,231 --> 00:35:10,193 Nobody is allowed to talk to him. 856 00:35:10,276 --> 00:35:11,628 Why didn't you tell me any of this? 857 00:35:11,652 --> 00:35:13,422 Because I didn't think you'd fucking understand, 858 00:35:13,446 --> 00:35:14,781 and I was fucking right. 859 00:35:15,323 --> 00:35:16,240 You don't think that I could 860 00:35:16,324 --> 00:35:17,342 fathom your life in any fucking way? 861 00:35:17,366 --> 00:35:18,677 Oh, you think you could understand me? 862 00:35:18,701 --> 00:35:20,536 I'm fighting a 1,400-year-old culture. 863 00:35:20,620 --> 00:35:22,413 You were ugly in high school. 864 00:35:22,497 --> 00:35:24,332 There's a big fucking difference. 865 00:35:26,626 --> 00:35:27,877 I'm sorry. 866 00:35:31,297 --> 00:35:32,757 I can't lose my family. 867 00:35:38,429 --> 00:35:40,807 Can you imagine a world in w... 868 00:35:42,725 --> 00:35:44,519 In which we end up together? 869 00:35:48,773 --> 00:35:49,982 I don't know. 870 00:35:52,652 --> 00:35:54,111 (Sniffles) 871 00:35:55,196 --> 00:35:56,322 I have to go. 872 00:35:57,448 --> 00:35:59,033 Don't fucking call me. 873 00:36:00,535 --> 00:36:01,535 (Door slams) 874 00:36:03,329 --> 00:36:06,457 Multigrain, pumpernickel, 875 00:36:06,666 --> 00:36:11,087 pita bread, hot dog bun, croutons. 876 00:36:11,254 --> 00:36:12,839 I can't eat any of it. 877 00:36:14,382 --> 00:36:15,591 SAM : I don't want kids. 878 00:36:16,008 --> 00:36:19,387 People say, "Sam, you're gonna love it. 879 00:36:19,595 --> 00:36:20,906 "This kid... You're gonna have a kid, 880 00:36:20,930 --> 00:36:22,223 "he's gonna be your best friend." 881 00:36:22,431 --> 00:36:24,183 A best friend that... 882 00:36:24,308 --> 00:36:26,435 that pukes on you and shits everywhere 883 00:36:26,519 --> 00:36:27,621 and is constantly screaming. 884 00:36:27,645 --> 00:36:29,522 I already have friends like that. 885 00:36:29,689 --> 00:36:31,409 - (Audience laughs) - People say, "Sam..." 886 00:36:31,524 --> 00:36:33,284 I know you're bummed, all right, but, like... 887 00:36:33,609 --> 00:36:35,489 Emily's a good person. I'm not saying she's not. 888 00:36:35,570 --> 00:36:37,090 All I'm saying is, this is the universe 889 00:36:37,154 --> 00:36:39,407 telling you, "Seize your moment. 890 00:36:39,490 --> 00:36:41,325 "Be a little selfish and pursue your career." 891 00:36:41,492 --> 00:36:43,202 Bob Dalavan's gonna be here on Thursday. 892 00:36:43,286 --> 00:36:44,721 If you get the Montreal Comedy Festival, 893 00:36:44,745 --> 00:36:46,289 it would change things for you. 894 00:36:46,789 --> 00:36:48,267 You don't want to get stuck in Chicago, right? 895 00:36:48,291 --> 00:36:50,293 You don't want to end up like Sam Highsmith, 896 00:36:50,376 --> 00:36:52,336 who's been doing the "People say Sam" bit 897 00:36:52,420 --> 00:36:53,504 since '03. 898 00:36:53,588 --> 00:36:55,190 - SAM : I don't like kids. - (Audience laughs) 899 00:36:55,214 --> 00:36:56,799 - People say, "Sam..." - See? 900 00:36:56,883 --> 00:36:58,151 - Is that what you want? - It's like... 901 00:36:58,175 --> 00:36:59,486 Is that what you want for your life? 902 00:36:59,510 --> 00:37:01,846 It's amazing. And it's the same material. 903 00:37:01,929 --> 00:37:03,532 - SAM : What do people say? - AUDIENCE : Sam. 904 00:37:03,556 --> 00:37:04,908 - SAM : People say what? - AUDIENCE : Sam. 905 00:37:04,932 --> 00:37:06,642 I'm Sam Highsmith. Thank you very much. 906 00:37:06,726 --> 00:37:08,120 You know what, I'm gonna tell him... 907 00:37:08,144 --> 00:37:09,770 - He's a hack. - ...how I feel about it. 908 00:37:09,854 --> 00:37:10,914 - Fucking tell him. - Never writes anything new. 909 00:37:10,938 --> 00:37:12,165 - I'm gonna tell him... - It's fucking bullshit. 910 00:37:12,189 --> 00:37:13,709 - Great set, dude. - I'm feeling it, bro. 911 00:37:13,733 --> 00:37:15,693 - Killing me, man. - Crushing. Love the new stuff. 912 00:37:17,028 --> 00:37:18,130 We should be ashamed of ourselves. 913 00:37:18,154 --> 00:37:19,405 We're weak. We're weak. 914 00:37:19,739 --> 00:37:21,741 WOMAN : I wouldn't call it an obsession, 915 00:37:21,824 --> 00:37:23,409 but I'm pretty good at magic. 916 00:37:23,534 --> 00:37:25,244 - (All exclaim) - Yeah. 917 00:37:25,661 --> 00:37:27,288 Can you make his belly disappear? 918 00:37:27,371 --> 00:37:29,165 - Oh. - Come on. 919 00:37:29,248 --> 00:37:30,625 I'm too happy with my belly. 920 00:37:30,708 --> 00:37:31,751 Does anyone have a dollar? 921 00:37:32,126 --> 00:37:33,669 - I will give you something. - Okay. 922 00:37:34,712 --> 00:37:37,006 - Twenty? Big spender. - (Laughs) 923 00:37:37,465 --> 00:37:38,925 All right. Andrew Jackson. 924 00:37:39,008 --> 00:37:41,010 Don't you think he would look cool 925 00:37:41,093 --> 00:37:42,720 with a pair of sunglasses? 926 00:37:43,888 --> 00:37:46,057 - Yeah, I really... - (All murmuring) 927 00:37:47,516 --> 00:37:50,353 - Okay. Mmm. - AZMAT : Okay. 928 00:37:51,270 --> 00:37:52,414 - Oh, he's... Okay. - WOMAN : Right? 929 00:37:52,438 --> 00:37:55,024 - AZMAT : Okay, stylish. - Yes. Mmm-hmm. 930 00:37:55,691 --> 00:37:56,609 Okay. 931 00:37:56,692 --> 00:37:58,611 And now we sprinkle the magic dust on. 932 00:37:58,819 --> 00:37:59,862 Just a little bit. 933 00:37:59,946 --> 00:38:01,548 Yeah, you can't do it without the magic dust. Yeah. 934 00:38:01,572 --> 00:38:03,282 No, yeah, I need it. All right. 935 00:38:04,575 --> 00:38:06,118 - AZMAT : Abracadabra. - Okay. 936 00:38:07,203 --> 00:38:09,372 - Watching carefully. - AZMAT : Mmm-hmm. 937 00:38:11,499 --> 00:38:12,708 (All exclaiming) 938 00:38:13,084 --> 00:38:14,126 FATIMA : That is amazing. 939 00:38:14,502 --> 00:38:16,587 And he does look better with glasses. 940 00:38:16,671 --> 00:38:17,922 - Right? - He does. 941 00:38:18,005 --> 00:38:18,839 How did you do that? 942 00:38:18,923 --> 00:38:20,716 Oh, no, a magician never reveals her tricks. 943 00:38:21,008 --> 00:38:21,842 (Laughs) 944 00:38:21,926 --> 00:38:23,469 Here's your 20 back, Mr. Nanjiani. 945 00:38:23,552 --> 00:38:25,930 Do you think I can use this $20 bill now to buy something? 946 00:38:26,013 --> 00:38:27,390 It look better now, right? 947 00:38:32,353 --> 00:38:34,605 KUMAIL : I was watching this monster movie with my friend. 948 00:38:34,814 --> 00:38:36,254 And he turned to me, and he was like, 949 00:38:36,399 --> 00:38:38,234 "What would you do in that situation?" 950 00:38:39,026 --> 00:38:41,821 I'm never gonna be one of the last guys alive. 951 00:38:42,029 --> 00:38:43,906 I'm gonna be the first guy to die. 952 00:38:44,323 --> 00:38:46,951 I die so the other characters get to find out 953 00:38:47,034 --> 00:38:48,703 that something weird's going on. 954 00:38:49,245 --> 00:38:51,205 I go off alone to find the cat. 955 00:38:51,288 --> 00:38:52,957 (Audience laughing) 956 00:38:53,541 --> 00:38:56,627 I never even find out that there were monsters. 957 00:38:57,128 --> 00:39:00,423 To me, the plot of the movie was we're at a research facility 958 00:39:00,506 --> 00:39:02,091 and the cat's missing! 959 00:39:02,466 --> 00:39:03,819 - The end. - (Laughing continues) 960 00:39:03,843 --> 00:39:06,929 Denise, this... 961 00:39:07,722 --> 00:39:09,140 ...is your name in Urdu. 962 00:39:09,223 --> 00:39:11,183 Wow, that is so cool. 963 00:39:12,476 --> 00:39:14,395 - Kumail? - Hey. 964 00:39:14,478 --> 00:39:17,231 - Hey, Bob Dalavan. - Yeah. I know you. 965 00:39:17,815 --> 00:39:21,652 Some very interesting premises in your set tonight. 966 00:39:21,736 --> 00:39:23,154 - Oh, thanks. - Yeah. 967 00:39:23,237 --> 00:39:24,923 I just wanted you to know. I'm about to take off. 968 00:39:24,947 --> 00:39:27,742 But you made it to the finals for the Montreal showcase. 969 00:39:27,825 --> 00:39:29,326 Oh, my God. Thank you. 970 00:39:29,410 --> 00:39:30,786 - You, too, Mary. - Oh! 971 00:39:30,995 --> 00:39:32,413 - Okay. - Okay. 972 00:39:32,955 --> 00:39:34,248 So we'll see you guys up there. 973 00:39:34,498 --> 00:39:35,726 - KUMAIL : Yeah. - We'll be in touch. 974 00:39:35,750 --> 00:39:38,085 - Well, what about C-Dog? - Who's that? 975 00:39:39,045 --> 00:39:40,421 Uh, me. What about me? 976 00:39:40,504 --> 00:39:41,756 Oh, you know what? 977 00:39:42,965 --> 00:39:44,216 Funny stuff, okay? 978 00:39:44,592 --> 00:39:47,928 ("Eye Of Danger" by Michigan and Smiley playing) 979 00:39:49,388 --> 00:39:50,723 I'll walk you out. 980 00:39:52,850 --> 00:39:55,895 Hey, do you want to go somewhere? 981 00:39:56,395 --> 00:39:57,897 Yeah, let's go somewhere. 982 00:39:59,523 --> 00:40:02,735 (The X-Files theme ringtone playing) 983 00:40:04,862 --> 00:40:06,530 (Groans) 984 00:40:16,582 --> 00:40:17,582 Hello? 985 00:40:17,792 --> 00:40:19,335 JESSIE : Kumail, it's Jessie. 986 00:40:20,544 --> 00:40:21,754 Hey. Who? 987 00:40:22,046 --> 00:40:24,006 JESSIE : Jessie. I'm in school with Emily. 988 00:40:24,256 --> 00:40:25,400 Listen, Emily's in the hospital. 989 00:40:25,424 --> 00:40:26,904 She has a really bad flu or something. 990 00:40:27,593 --> 00:40:28,427 What? 991 00:40:28,511 --> 00:40:30,012 JESSIE : Could you just go, please? 992 00:40:30,096 --> 00:40:32,223 We need someone there. We have exams tomorrow, 993 00:40:32,306 --> 00:40:33,891 so nobody else can go. 994 00:40:34,141 --> 00:40:35,392 She's still in the ER. 995 00:40:35,726 --> 00:40:36,995 Could you just go and sit with her, 996 00:40:37,019 --> 00:40:38,259 and then drive her home, please? 997 00:40:38,437 --> 00:40:39,855 I was there for as long as I could, 998 00:40:39,939 --> 00:40:41,273 but I had to leave. 999 00:40:43,150 --> 00:40:45,111 (Siren wailing) 1000 00:40:51,909 --> 00:40:53,994 (Indistinct chattering) 1001 00:40:54,870 --> 00:40:57,248 Hi. I'm looking for Emily Gardner. 1002 00:40:58,415 --> 00:41:01,502 Um... Emily Gardner. She was checked in... 1003 00:41:15,474 --> 00:41:17,393 (Phone ringing) 1004 00:41:30,865 --> 00:41:31,865 Hey. 1005 00:41:34,160 --> 00:41:35,286 What are you doing here? 1006 00:41:35,369 --> 00:41:36,912 Um, Jessie called me 1007 00:41:36,996 --> 00:41:40,499 and wanted me to make sure you were okay. 1008 00:41:43,752 --> 00:41:44,980 - So how are you doing? - EMILY : Fine. 1009 00:41:45,004 --> 00:41:46,839 I'm totally fine. Never been better. 1010 00:41:46,922 --> 00:41:48,549 A 1,000% fine. 1011 00:41:48,924 --> 00:41:51,177 Just, like, fainted a little at work. 1012 00:41:51,969 --> 00:41:53,429 I didn't have breakfast this morning. 1013 00:41:54,471 --> 00:41:56,557 Breakfast, the most important meal of the day. 1014 00:41:56,640 --> 00:41:57,640 You know that. 1015 00:41:59,143 --> 00:42:01,854 Ms. Gardner, your room will be ready soon, okay? 1016 00:42:01,937 --> 00:42:03,939 Oh, no, no, actually, I would just love to go home 1017 00:42:04,023 --> 00:42:05,065 and sleep in my own bed. 1018 00:42:05,149 --> 00:42:07,526 Sir, can you step outside for a moment, please? 1019 00:42:08,277 --> 00:42:10,422 If you want to stay, you have to go to the security desk 1020 00:42:10,446 --> 00:42:11,280 and get a pass. 1021 00:42:11,363 --> 00:42:12,843 All right. Where is the security desk? 1022 00:42:13,032 --> 00:42:14,658 It's downstairs, 1023 00:42:15,117 --> 00:42:17,494 exactly where you walked in at the security desk. 1024 00:42:18,120 --> 00:42:21,040 The security desk is at the security desk. Got it. 1025 00:42:21,665 --> 00:42:22,708 (Machine beeping rapidly] 1026 00:42:23,000 --> 00:42:24,240 KUMAIL : Can I get you something? 1027 00:42:24,376 --> 00:42:27,546 Water? Juice? Coffee? 1028 00:42:30,883 --> 00:42:32,509 May I speak with you for a second? 1029 00:42:34,470 --> 00:42:35,512 I'll be right back. 1030 00:42:37,723 --> 00:42:39,642 There's a massive infection in her lungs, 1031 00:42:39,725 --> 00:42:41,227 and all her vitals are elevated. 1032 00:42:41,477 --> 00:42:42,937 Does she have HIV? 1033 00:42:43,604 --> 00:42:45,105 What? No. I mean, she... 1034 00:42:45,189 --> 00:42:47,399 - Are you her husband? - No. 1035 00:42:47,566 --> 00:42:49,085 Oh, we need to intubate her immediately. 1036 00:42:49,109 --> 00:42:50,527 I need a family member to sign this. 1037 00:42:50,611 --> 00:42:53,072 So I'm gonna ask you again, are you her husband? 1038 00:42:53,155 --> 00:42:54,698 What does, uh, "intubate" mean? 1039 00:42:54,949 --> 00:42:56,676 We have to put her on a respirator, and to do that, 1040 00:42:56,700 --> 00:42:58,744 we need to put her in a medically-induced coma. 1041 00:43:00,454 --> 00:43:01,914 - Coma? - Yes. 1042 00:43:01,997 --> 00:43:04,208 To stabilize her so we can work on the infection. 1043 00:43:04,291 --> 00:43:06,126 And it needs to happen right now. 1044 00:43:06,210 --> 00:43:08,796 So, I'm gonna ask you one last time, 1045 00:43:09,129 --> 00:43:11,006 are you her husband? 1046 00:43:18,597 --> 00:43:19,932 What's going on? 1047 00:43:20,307 --> 00:43:22,518 - What's going on? - You're gonna be okay. 1048 00:43:22,601 --> 00:43:24,371 - Just relax and... - Where are you taking me? 1049 00:43:24,395 --> 00:43:26,397 (Crying) 1050 00:43:36,282 --> 00:43:37,825 You should call her family. 1051 00:43:44,581 --> 00:43:46,625 (Heart monitor beeping) 1052 00:43:58,053 --> 00:43:59,555 (Sighs) 1053 00:44:02,891 --> 00:44:04,309 Sorry. 1054 00:44:15,988 --> 00:44:17,031 (Groans) 1055 00:44:22,703 --> 00:44:24,329 Hey, Mrs. Gardner, um, 1056 00:44:24,413 --> 00:44:26,165 this is Kumail, Emily's friend. 1057 00:44:26,248 --> 00:44:28,167 Uh, sorry to call you so late. 1058 00:44:28,333 --> 00:44:30,210 Um, Emily's... Emily's fine. 1059 00:44:30,294 --> 00:44:32,463 Just want to get that taken care of. She's fine. 1060 00:44:32,588 --> 00:44:36,008 Um, she is at City View Hospital in Chicago 1061 00:44:36,717 --> 00:44:37,843 in a medically-induced coma, 1062 00:44:37,926 --> 00:44:39,386 but the doctors say that all... 1063 00:44:41,138 --> 00:44:42,681 Yes, I did say "coma." 1064 00:44:43,974 --> 00:44:45,476 (Heart monitor beeping) 1065 00:44:46,268 --> 00:44:47,895 (Exhales) 1066 00:45:15,255 --> 00:45:16,548 (Yawns) 1067 00:45:31,355 --> 00:45:33,565 Hey. I'm Kumail. 1068 00:45:37,027 --> 00:45:38,362 We know who you are, Kumail. 1069 00:45:38,779 --> 00:45:40,113 Mr. and Mrs. Gardner, 1070 00:45:40,197 --> 00:45:41,907 the doctors would like to see you now. 1071 00:45:43,158 --> 00:45:44,576 (Whispering) I'll be right back. 1072 00:45:53,961 --> 00:45:55,087 (Door opens) 1073 00:45:55,712 --> 00:45:57,840 Uh, listen, the doctor will be here any minute. 1074 00:45:57,923 --> 00:45:59,466 She's just running a little late. 1075 00:46:00,759 --> 00:46:03,220 Don't read anything into this being the bereavement room. 1076 00:46:03,554 --> 00:46:05,180 It's the only room we had available. 1077 00:46:05,389 --> 00:46:07,683 TERRY : Okay. Thank you. Okay. NURSE : Okay. 1078 00:46:18,777 --> 00:46:20,654 - Terry, Terry, I... I... - It's... 1079 00:46:20,737 --> 00:46:22,739 - It's driving me insane. - Yes, I know, I know, 1080 00:46:22,823 --> 00:46:23,943 but it makes me feel better. 1081 00:46:25,117 --> 00:46:26,243 I just... 1082 00:46:27,160 --> 00:46:29,872 Hello. No. Please sit. Please sit. 1083 00:46:30,163 --> 00:46:32,958 I'm Dr. Cunningham, Emily's attending. 1084 00:46:33,500 --> 00:46:35,210 I'll be coordinating all the doctors 1085 00:46:35,294 --> 00:46:37,337 and orchestrating her treatment strategy. 1086 00:46:37,629 --> 00:46:39,172 All the doctors? How many are there? 1087 00:46:39,256 --> 00:46:40,549 - Five. - BETH : Five? 1088 00:46:40,883 --> 00:46:42,723 Why so many? I mean, is that... is that normal? 1089 00:46:42,801 --> 00:46:45,137 Yes. It's standard for patients in the ICU. 1090 00:46:45,554 --> 00:46:47,031 We come at it from many angles, we confer... 1091 00:46:47,055 --> 00:46:47,890 DOCTOR : After assessing her, 1092 00:46:47,973 --> 00:46:50,225 we immediately initiated orotracheal intubation. 1093 00:46:50,309 --> 00:46:52,245 Thankfully, it hasn't affected her heart at this point. 1094 00:46:52,269 --> 00:46:54,309 We don't know the exact nature of the infection yet, 1095 00:46:54,605 --> 00:46:56,565 but we got her on a broad spectrum of antibiotics. 1096 00:46:56,607 --> 00:46:57,807 ...battling critical infection 1097 00:46:57,858 --> 00:46:59,294 centering around the costodiaphragmatic recess. 1098 00:46:59,318 --> 00:47:01,361 Our theory is methicillin-resistant 1099 00:47:01,445 --> 00:47:02,445 staphylococcus aureus. 1100 00:47:02,487 --> 00:47:03,756 Staphyl... Hold on. That's a "P"? 1101 00:47:03,780 --> 00:47:04,615 Yeah. 1102 00:47:04,698 --> 00:47:05,574 That's an "F" or a "P-H"? 1103 00:47:05,657 --> 00:47:07,200 P-H. No. It's staphylococcus... 1104 00:47:07,284 --> 00:47:10,370 (Overlapping chatter) 1105 00:47:17,711 --> 00:47:19,671 That was very reassuring, wasn't it? 1106 00:47:22,049 --> 00:47:25,260 Apparently, there are good and bad comas, 1107 00:47:25,344 --> 00:47:28,013 and the kind that they put her in, 1108 00:47:28,096 --> 00:47:29,991 the medically-induced coma, are definitely, like, 1109 00:47:30,015 --> 00:47:31,725 the good kind of coma. 1110 00:47:33,268 --> 00:47:34,978 (Phone ringing) 1111 00:47:37,105 --> 00:47:40,275 Like... You know how there are good and bad carbs? 1112 00:47:45,072 --> 00:47:46,531 (Indistinct chatter) 1113 00:47:46,615 --> 00:47:48,784 Gremlins. Those can be good or bad. 1114 00:47:48,867 --> 00:47:50,535 Listen, Kumail... Uh... 1115 00:47:51,954 --> 00:47:54,414 We're gonna handle things from here, okay? 1116 00:47:54,498 --> 00:47:55,707 You've been very helpful. 1117 00:47:56,249 --> 00:47:59,127 Thank you for... For signing the thing, and... 1118 00:47:59,211 --> 00:48:00,420 Yeah, my pleasure. 1119 00:48:00,504 --> 00:48:02,047 But, uh, you can go now. 1120 00:48:03,173 --> 00:48:05,050 - Okay. Um... - All right? 1121 00:48:05,300 --> 00:48:06,300 All right. 1122 00:48:09,054 --> 00:48:10,514 Peace in the Mideast. 1123 00:48:17,479 --> 00:48:18,479 What about this? 1124 00:48:18,522 --> 00:48:20,399 I saw a sniffer dog at the airport. 1125 00:48:20,649 --> 00:48:21,775 He had a boner. 1126 00:48:21,858 --> 00:48:23,735 Does that mean drugs or bombs? 1127 00:48:24,611 --> 00:48:25,612 That's good. What if... 1128 00:48:25,696 --> 00:48:27,406 What if instead of it being at the airport, 1129 00:48:27,781 --> 00:48:30,534 you quit comedy and never do comedy ever again? 1130 00:48:30,617 --> 00:48:31,451 Yeah. 1131 00:48:31,535 --> 00:48:32,828 CHRIS : Fuck you! It's a good bit. 1132 00:48:32,911 --> 00:48:33,745 That's a funny bit. 1133 00:48:33,829 --> 00:48:35,431 Just for the sake of the public that they wouldn't have 1134 00:48:35,455 --> 00:48:37,308 to look at your face or hear your words. That's... 1135 00:48:37,332 --> 00:48:39,126 Hey, it's okay that I'm not there, right? 1136 00:48:40,377 --> 00:48:43,171 Like... I don't need to be there, right? 1137 00:48:43,588 --> 00:48:44,798 What's up? What happened? 1138 00:48:45,173 --> 00:48:46,758 He put his girlfriend in a coma. 1139 00:48:46,842 --> 00:48:48,010 - Yeah. - Yeah. 1140 00:48:48,218 --> 00:48:50,154 - You know, the way you do. - She's not my girlfriend. 1141 00:48:50,178 --> 00:48:51,378 MARY : He didn't, but he signed 1142 00:48:51,430 --> 00:48:53,849 a paper that allowed doctors to put... 1143 00:48:54,224 --> 00:48:55,224 He suggested it. 1144 00:48:55,517 --> 00:48:56,619 KUMAIL : She's gonna be fine. 1145 00:48:56,643 --> 00:48:58,788 She's gonna be fine. They said she's gonna be fine, so... 1146 00:48:58,812 --> 00:49:00,981 They're gonna be fine. Doctors know medical stuff. 1147 00:49:01,064 --> 00:49:01,982 MARY : Mmm-hmm. 1148 00:49:02,065 --> 00:49:03,960 That's what doctors do. They're good at medical stuff. 1149 00:49:03,984 --> 00:49:05,902 This is a medically-induced coma. 1150 00:49:05,986 --> 00:49:07,446 This is their specialty. 1151 00:49:07,529 --> 00:49:08,405 Maybe. 1152 00:49:08,488 --> 00:49:09,799 You know, it might be a good thing. 1153 00:49:09,823 --> 00:49:11,423 Like, she might wake up with a new skill. 1154 00:49:11,450 --> 00:49:13,368 Like, my cousin, uh, blacked out once, and then, 1155 00:49:13,452 --> 00:49:15,704 when he came to, he thought he knew a different language. 1156 00:49:16,121 --> 00:49:17,831 - Did he? - No. Apparently, it was... 1157 00:49:17,914 --> 00:49:19,624 It was just gibberish that he made up. 1158 00:49:19,708 --> 00:49:20,917 It was brain damage. 1159 00:49:24,337 --> 00:49:25,797 SAM : I got another Taco Bell one. 1160 00:49:26,089 --> 00:49:29,468 ("Catch Me I'm Falling" by Pretty Poison playing) 1161 00:49:29,676 --> 00:49:32,512 (Indistinct chatter) 1162 00:49:40,187 --> 00:49:41,438 (Phone ringing) 1163 00:49:42,647 --> 00:49:43,774 Did you forget somethin'? 1164 00:49:44,858 --> 00:49:46,818 - Is she up yet? - TERRY : No, she's not. 1165 00:49:46,902 --> 00:49:48,862 And, uh, they won't tell us anything. 1166 00:49:49,738 --> 00:49:51,323 We've been here all morning. (Sighs) 1167 00:49:52,282 --> 00:49:54,618 I know you guys said that you don't need me to stay, 1168 00:49:54,701 --> 00:49:56,787 but I think I'm just gonna wait anyway. 1169 00:49:56,870 --> 00:49:57,954 BETH : You guys broke up. 1170 00:49:58,038 --> 00:50:00,874 I'm not sure why you're here. 1171 00:50:03,543 --> 00:50:05,128 You don't have to worry 1172 00:50:05,212 --> 00:50:06,852 about being committed to anything, Kumail. 1173 00:50:07,047 --> 00:50:08,524 You didn't want to when she was awake. 1174 00:50:08,548 --> 00:50:10,842 There's no need to do it when she's unconscious. 1175 00:50:11,301 --> 00:50:13,011 It's more complicated than that. 1176 00:50:13,095 --> 00:50:15,680 Is it? 'Cause I know about the two-day rule. 1177 00:50:16,389 --> 00:50:18,517 I know about the head shots and the secrets. 1178 00:50:19,142 --> 00:50:20,477 She tells us everything. 1179 00:50:20,811 --> 00:50:23,730 You really don't have to stay, Kumail. 1180 00:50:23,814 --> 00:50:26,316 You have already done (Mouthing) a lot. 1181 00:50:28,235 --> 00:50:30,028 I'm just gonna stay for a second. 1182 00:50:32,572 --> 00:50:34,616 Is this seat... Okay. 1183 00:50:38,036 --> 00:50:39,871 (Indistinct conversations) 1184 00:50:51,258 --> 00:50:53,760 Is... Is that lady still looking at me? 1185 00:50:54,386 --> 00:50:56,388 (Indistinct chattering) 1186 00:50:59,432 --> 00:51:00,600 TERRY : Oh. Hey. 1187 00:51:00,684 --> 00:51:02,853 (Beth and Terry conversing indistinctly) 1188 00:51:05,021 --> 00:51:06,398 (Terry whistles) 1189 00:51:06,773 --> 00:51:09,067 MAN ON PA : Mr. Cuevas, please see Dr. Toscado. 1190 00:51:09,776 --> 00:51:11,736 Mr. Cuevas, please see Dr. Toscado. 1191 00:51:12,320 --> 00:51:13,320 TERRY : Yeah. 1192 00:51:13,363 --> 00:51:15,740 Yeah, come on. There's no reason, uh... 1193 00:51:16,741 --> 00:51:18,910 Should eat there by yourself, right, hon? 1194 00:51:19,286 --> 00:51:20,537 It's a free country. 1195 00:51:26,918 --> 00:51:28,086 How's your sandwich? 1196 00:51:28,753 --> 00:51:30,463 Best fuckin' sandwich I ever had. 1197 00:51:33,383 --> 00:51:34,676 TERRY : Mine's good. 1198 00:51:35,969 --> 00:51:38,096 Tuna's always a gamble, but, 1199 00:51:38,722 --> 00:51:39,991 you know, we're not by the water. 1200 00:51:40,015 --> 00:51:42,642 Well, we are by the water. But it's a lake. 1201 00:51:43,894 --> 00:51:45,520 There's no tuna in the lake. 1202 00:51:47,480 --> 00:51:49,858 Whatever. I... I threw the dice. 1203 00:51:51,359 --> 00:51:54,196 I got the sevens, I guess. 1204 00:51:54,362 --> 00:51:56,364 Whatever... Whatever the good dice number is. 1205 00:51:56,990 --> 00:51:58,158 So, uh... 1206 00:51:59,367 --> 00:52:00,577 9/11. 1207 00:52:03,663 --> 00:52:04,789 No, I mean... 1208 00:52:05,248 --> 00:52:07,626 I've always wanted to have a conversation with... 1209 00:52:08,168 --> 00:52:09,168 About it. 1210 00:52:09,294 --> 00:52:13,256 With... people. 1211 00:52:14,090 --> 00:52:16,468 You've never talked to people about 9/11? 1212 00:52:16,801 --> 00:52:19,429 No, what's your... What's your stance? 1213 00:52:20,722 --> 00:52:22,724 What's my stance on 9/11? 1214 00:52:23,516 --> 00:52:24,976 Oh, um... 1215 00:52:26,686 --> 00:52:27,686 Anti. 1216 00:52:28,271 --> 00:52:29,564 It was a tragedy. 1217 00:52:30,774 --> 00:52:33,026 I mean, we lost 19 of our best guys. 1218 00:52:33,318 --> 00:52:34,444 Huh? 1219 00:52:36,655 --> 00:52:38,365 That was a joke. Obviously. 1220 00:52:39,074 --> 00:52:41,076 9/11 was a terrible tragedy, 1221 00:52:41,785 --> 00:52:44,412 and it's not funny to joke about it. 1222 00:52:44,496 --> 00:52:46,873 - (PA beeps) - MAN : Mr. and Mrs. Gardner, 1223 00:52:46,957 --> 00:52:48,708 please report to the ICU. 1224 00:52:49,417 --> 00:52:50,835 Mr. and Mrs. Gardner... 1225 00:52:50,919 --> 00:52:52,879 - All right. Come on. - To the ICU. Thank you. 1226 00:52:52,963 --> 00:52:54,089 Hey, can I come? 1227 00:52:54,172 --> 00:52:55,382 - No. - Yeah. 1228 00:52:56,341 --> 00:52:57,467 Yeah. 1229 00:52:58,343 --> 00:52:59,552 Whatever. 1230 00:53:00,553 --> 00:53:01,888 CUNNINGHAM : Hello, come in. 1231 00:53:02,097 --> 00:53:03,515 Please, have a seat. 1232 00:53:09,604 --> 00:53:11,481 I know this isn't the news you were hoping for, 1233 00:53:11,815 --> 00:53:14,025 but we aren't ready to bring Emily out of the coma yet. 1234 00:53:14,109 --> 00:53:15,109 Oh. 1235 00:53:15,443 --> 00:53:17,279 Why? Uh, what happened? 1236 00:53:17,362 --> 00:53:19,507 The antibiotics aren't doing what we'd hoped they would, 1237 00:53:19,531 --> 00:53:20,865 and we don't want to mess around, 1238 00:53:21,032 --> 00:53:23,076 so tomorrow morning, we're gonna perform surgery 1239 00:53:23,159 --> 00:53:24,160 to remove the infection. 1240 00:53:24,244 --> 00:53:26,162 (Stammering) Oh, wait one second. 1241 00:53:26,246 --> 00:53:29,040 Dr. Spellman told us that the antibiotics would work. 1242 00:53:29,124 --> 00:53:29,958 Yeah. 1243 00:53:30,041 --> 00:53:31,978 I mean, he didn't say anything at all about surgery. 1244 00:53:32,002 --> 00:53:34,105 So what does that mean? Surgery? What kind of surgery? 1245 00:53:34,129 --> 00:53:36,589 It's called thoracentesis. It's a very common procedure. 1246 00:53:36,673 --> 00:53:40,010 We're gonna go in between the ribs and remove the infection. 1247 00:53:40,093 --> 00:53:41,988 TERRY : How do you spell that, please? And what is it? 1248 00:53:42,012 --> 00:53:43,239 What's the name? What's the last part? 1249 00:53:43,263 --> 00:53:44,615 - Thora... - And the infection is... is... 1250 00:53:44,639 --> 00:53:45,700 - On the lung. - "Thora" what? "Thora" what? 1251 00:53:45,724 --> 00:53:46,599 - And we're going to remove it. - What is it? 1252 00:53:46,683 --> 00:53:49,102 Thoracentesis. C-E-N-T-E-S-I-S. 1253 00:53:49,185 --> 00:53:50,997 BETH : And what's the risk? TERRY : It's a common thing 1254 00:53:51,021 --> 00:53:52,498 - that they do? - CUNNINGHAM : Low. Yes. 1255 00:53:52,522 --> 00:53:53,606 My advice to you 1256 00:53:54,274 --> 00:53:56,985 is that you go home, you get something to eat, 1257 00:53:57,610 --> 00:53:59,029 and try to relax. 1258 00:54:26,431 --> 00:54:28,058 TERRY : She left the lights on, huh? 1259 00:54:29,893 --> 00:54:31,603 BETH : My favorite sweater. 1260 00:54:37,108 --> 00:54:39,486 - I'm gonna do some research. - Oh, hey. 1261 00:54:39,569 --> 00:54:41,071 That's the book I gave her. 1262 00:54:41,696 --> 00:54:42,947 No, I gave her that one. 1263 00:54:43,031 --> 00:54:45,742 Hey, do you have that little notebook from the doctor's? 1264 00:54:47,410 --> 00:54:48,888 - This is the book I gave her. - Uh... 1265 00:54:48,912 --> 00:54:50,792 I'm just gonna clean up Emily's room real quick. 1266 00:54:50,872 --> 00:54:52,082 BETH : No, I... I remember. 1267 00:54:52,165 --> 00:54:53,875 I met her at the Falafel place, 1268 00:54:53,958 --> 00:54:55,543 and then we went to that bookstore 1269 00:54:55,627 --> 00:54:57,712 that's hardly ever open, and I bought it for her. 1270 00:54:57,796 --> 00:54:59,836 TERRY : You're not the only one who gives her things. 1271 00:54:59,923 --> 00:55:00,924 What's up with you? 1272 00:55:01,007 --> 00:55:02,360 TERRY : I'm just tired of you thinking 1273 00:55:02,384 --> 00:55:03,611 you're the only one who gives her things. 1274 00:55:03,635 --> 00:55:04,719 I gave her that book. 1275 00:55:05,136 --> 00:55:08,473 BETH : Look at the inscription. TERRY : No. No, that's stupid. 1276 00:55:09,974 --> 00:55:13,520 (Indistinct chatter) 1277 00:55:24,114 --> 00:55:25,323 (Inaudible) 1278 00:55:39,879 --> 00:55:41,214 - Hey, uh, Kumail. - Hey. 1279 00:55:42,090 --> 00:55:43,675 Oh. Hey. Sorry. 1280 00:55:43,842 --> 00:55:45,093 Didn't mean to surprise you. 1281 00:55:45,802 --> 00:55:47,613 I was just wondering, are we gonna do anything? 1282 00:55:47,637 --> 00:55:49,889 - You got any parlor games? - I... I don't... 1283 00:55:49,973 --> 00:55:51,182 What are parlor games? 1284 00:55:51,516 --> 00:55:53,435 Card games. Word games. 1285 00:55:53,726 --> 00:55:54,811 Play any word games? 1286 00:55:54,894 --> 00:55:56,938 - Um, no, I've never... - You ever play... 1287 00:55:57,730 --> 00:56:00,191 - You Can't Rhyme It? - How does that go? 1288 00:56:00,567 --> 00:56:02,235 It's... Eh, basically, you know, 1289 00:56:02,402 --> 00:56:04,446 you try to find out a word, a real word, 1290 00:56:04,529 --> 00:56:06,364 - that nobody can rhyme. - Okay. 1291 00:56:06,698 --> 00:56:07,782 - And then... - Stonehenge. 1292 00:56:09,993 --> 00:56:11,286 Yeah, see, you would win. 1293 00:56:11,369 --> 00:56:12,849 - Ah. Hmm. - Yeah. That'd be a winner. 1294 00:56:13,913 --> 00:56:15,915 I don't play board games. I play, like... 1295 00:56:16,624 --> 00:56:18,185 - I play video games. - That's the thing. 1296 00:56:18,209 --> 00:56:20,062 Everybody now needs, like, you know, a Nintendo. 1297 00:56:20,086 --> 00:56:22,630 A game thing. The thing. Electronics. $1,000. 1298 00:56:22,922 --> 00:56:25,216 When I was a kid, piece of chalk and a pavement, 1299 00:56:25,300 --> 00:56:26,676 and that's your entertainment. 1300 00:56:26,801 --> 00:56:28,678 Hopscotch. Tic-tac-toe. 1301 00:56:28,970 --> 00:56:30,610 - Throw the chalk at Jimmy. - (Chuckles) 1302 00:56:30,847 --> 00:56:32,390 There you go. Three games right there. 1303 00:56:32,474 --> 00:56:33,600 Jimmy was a real guy? 1304 00:56:33,683 --> 00:56:35,977 Yeah, well, I mean, there was no particular Jimmy. 1305 00:56:36,060 --> 00:56:37,455 You know, whoever got hit with the chalk, 1306 00:56:37,479 --> 00:56:39,290 - he was the Jimmy. - (The X-Files theme playing) 1307 00:56:39,314 --> 00:56:40,314 Uh... 1308 00:56:40,607 --> 00:56:43,193 I'm just trying to figure out, you know, what to do. 1309 00:56:43,276 --> 00:56:45,320 Yeah. I... Tonight's no good for me. 1310 00:56:45,403 --> 00:56:46,696 I'd love to, but, um... 1311 00:56:47,238 --> 00:56:50,950 I'm actually, uh... I'm actually gigging tonight, 1312 00:56:51,034 --> 00:56:52,827 which is, like, an industry word we use 1313 00:56:52,911 --> 00:56:55,163 for when we do, like, shows and stuff, so... 1314 00:56:55,246 --> 00:56:56,831 - Really? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1315 00:56:56,915 --> 00:56:59,459 There's a big Montreal Comedy Festival audition coming up, 1316 00:56:59,542 --> 00:57:02,629 and, um... I'm actually headlining tonight, so, yeah. 1317 00:57:02,921 --> 00:57:03,963 Oh, wow. Hey. 1318 00:57:04,047 --> 00:57:05,590 I should... I should... Run on out. 1319 00:57:05,673 --> 00:57:07,359 Wow, that's cool. I haven't been to a comedy club since... 1320 00:57:07,383 --> 00:57:09,719 Oh, boy. Since the '80s, right? 1321 00:57:09,802 --> 00:57:11,513 Rita Rudner over at Caroline's. 1322 00:57:11,596 --> 00:57:13,515 - Remember that, hon? - Christ. I... 1323 00:57:13,598 --> 00:57:16,935 A pleural effusion of the empyema. 1324 00:57:17,101 --> 00:57:18,561 Maybe we should go, huh? 1325 00:57:18,645 --> 00:57:20,289 Maybe we should go to Kumail's show. What do you think? 1326 00:57:20,313 --> 00:57:21,814 - Wouldn't that be fun? - Oh, my God! 1327 00:57:22,232 --> 00:57:25,151 - These... pictures are horrible. - Okay, listen. 1328 00:57:25,235 --> 00:57:26,795 Why don't we go to the comedy club with him? 1329 00:57:26,819 --> 00:57:28,964 And this... It'll take our mind off of things right now. 1330 00:57:28,988 --> 00:57:31,032 I don't want to take my mind off it, Terry. 1331 00:57:31,282 --> 00:57:32,951 Our daughter's having surgery tomorrow. 1332 00:57:33,034 --> 00:57:34,034 Please. 1333 00:57:34,077 --> 00:57:35,917 - That's a fair point. - Please, please listen. 1334 00:57:36,287 --> 00:57:37,539 I need the distraction. 1335 00:57:38,039 --> 00:57:39,624 - Well, then why don't you go? - No. 1336 00:57:39,707 --> 00:57:40,959 I want you to come with me. 1337 00:57:41,167 --> 00:57:42,168 I don't want to go alone. 1338 00:57:43,878 --> 00:57:46,923 Okay. But I'm bringing my iPad. 1339 00:57:47,006 --> 00:57:48,258 Ah, it's sold out. 1340 00:57:48,716 --> 00:57:50,176 I should have said it 1341 00:57:50,260 --> 00:57:52,804 before you guys had the whole discussion. 1342 00:57:53,096 --> 00:57:54,430 It sold out, like, super quickly. 1343 00:57:54,514 --> 00:57:56,274 They were shocked at how quickly it sold out. 1344 00:57:56,307 --> 00:57:58,685 - Like... (Whistles) - Well, you can get us in. 1345 00:57:59,477 --> 00:58:01,330 You're the headliner, right? That's what you said. 1346 00:58:01,354 --> 00:58:02,414 I mean, if you're the headliner, 1347 00:58:02,438 --> 00:58:03,314 you can get two more in, right? 1348 00:58:03,398 --> 00:58:05,149 - That's a good point. - Yeah. 1349 00:58:05,900 --> 00:58:07,986 We'll sit in the back, right? We'll sit in the back. 1350 00:58:08,111 --> 00:58:09,279 They got food there? 1351 00:58:09,612 --> 00:58:12,156 Yeah, they've got waffle fries and, um... 1352 00:58:12,574 --> 00:58:13,658 Yeah. 1353 00:58:16,119 --> 00:58:17,596 The hospital had the waffle fries, too. 1354 00:58:17,620 --> 00:58:18,620 Right. 1355 00:58:18,746 --> 00:58:20,123 (Dog barking) 1356 00:58:20,498 --> 00:58:22,875 I... I actually have never been to Pakistan. 1357 00:58:22,959 --> 00:58:24,436 My parents moved here for grad school, 1358 00:58:24,460 --> 00:58:26,004 and then they just stayed here. 1359 00:58:26,462 --> 00:58:27,797 I've never even been to Canada. 1360 00:58:27,880 --> 00:58:29,632 (All laugh) 1361 00:58:30,592 --> 00:58:33,511 So, um, when is Kumail coming? 1362 00:58:33,595 --> 00:58:35,388 He's coming. Right, NAVEED? 1363 00:58:35,638 --> 00:58:37,056 - Ah. Huh. - Traffic. 1364 00:58:37,140 --> 00:58:39,601 I heard there's, uh, bumper-to-bumper traffic 1365 00:58:39,684 --> 00:58:41,060 on the Dan Ryan Expressway. 1366 00:58:41,144 --> 00:58:42,830 - That's weird, because... - You know, rush hour. 1367 00:58:42,854 --> 00:58:45,148 I took the Dan Ryan Expressway here. 1368 00:58:45,565 --> 00:58:47,775 (Clock ticking) 1369 00:58:48,234 --> 00:58:50,653 - (Audience laughing) - What is your dad's sister's 1370 00:58:50,945 --> 00:58:53,990 favorite kind of music to dance to? 1371 00:58:54,324 --> 00:58:56,468 - Emily's parents are here. - Aunts, aunts, aunts, aunts. 1372 00:58:56,492 --> 00:58:58,252 - Tonight? Why? - Get it? 'Cause it's "aunt." 1373 00:58:58,286 --> 00:58:59,495 It's "aunts." It's "aunts." 1374 00:58:59,579 --> 00:59:00,913 All right, forget it. All right. 1375 00:59:00,997 --> 00:59:01,873 (Audience laughing) 1376 00:59:01,956 --> 00:59:03,396 Uh, is anybody here from out of town? 1377 00:59:03,541 --> 00:59:04,751 (Scattered applause) 1378 00:59:04,834 --> 00:59:06,127 All right, a few, a few. 1379 00:59:06,252 --> 00:59:07,712 What's your name, sir? 1380 00:59:08,129 --> 00:59:09,130 Uh, Terry. 1381 00:59:09,297 --> 00:59:11,382 Terry. And, uh, who's this lovely lady next to you? 1382 00:59:11,466 --> 00:59:13,009 Oh, my God. That's Emily's dad. 1383 00:59:13,092 --> 00:59:14,802 Is that cloth? Little terry cloth? 1384 00:59:14,886 --> 00:59:16,846 - (Scattered laughter) - It's Beth. 1385 00:59:16,929 --> 00:59:18,765 Beth. That's pretty close. 1386 00:59:18,848 --> 00:59:20,058 Why would he do this? 1387 00:59:20,141 --> 00:59:21,476 Terry, Beth, where you guys from? 1388 00:59:21,559 --> 00:59:24,395 - We're from North Carolina. - Ooh. 1389 00:59:24,479 --> 00:59:27,065 North Carolina. Tar Heel state. 1390 00:59:27,148 --> 00:59:28,316 - Stop. Stop it. - Oh. 1391 00:59:28,399 --> 00:59:30,599 Home of Krispy Kreme donuts. What brings you to Chicago? 1392 00:59:31,694 --> 00:59:32,945 Our daughter's in a coma. 1393 00:59:39,869 --> 00:59:42,205 Yeah, uh, how... What, uh... Where are you from? 1394 00:59:44,457 --> 00:59:45,875 Okay, it's getting late. 1395 00:59:45,958 --> 00:59:47,293 - I should go. - ALL : No, no, no. 1396 00:59:47,377 --> 00:59:48,854 - Betho, betho. He will be here. - AZMAT : Hold on, hold on. 1397 00:59:48,878 --> 00:59:50,918 I think I should call him up. I'll just call him up. 1398 00:59:51,005 --> 00:59:52,298 Hello? Kum-beta? 1399 00:59:52,924 --> 00:59:54,175 What do you mean, who's calling? 1400 00:59:54,258 --> 00:59:55,385 This is your father. 1401 00:59:56,010 --> 00:59:57,178 Okay, okay, okay. 1402 00:59:57,845 --> 00:59:58,971 He will be here any moment. 1403 00:59:59,180 --> 01:00:01,849 (All speaking Urdu) 1404 01:00:04,477 --> 01:00:07,105 I... I think I should make something clear. Um... 1405 01:00:07,689 --> 01:00:10,274 (Speaking Urdu) 1406 01:00:17,907 --> 01:00:19,075 (Laughs nervously) 1407 01:00:26,916 --> 01:00:29,210 (Singing in Urdu) 1408 01:00:37,343 --> 01:00:39,804 - (All laughing) - I want to name my kid Void, 1409 01:00:40,138 --> 01:00:42,724 so he won't be able to cash any of his paychecks. 1410 01:00:43,057 --> 01:00:44,225 (Scattered laughter) 1411 01:00:44,308 --> 01:00:46,644 "I'm sorry, sir, this says 'Void' on it." 1412 01:00:47,061 --> 01:00:49,021 "But that's my name. 1413 01:00:49,647 --> 01:00:51,983 "Curse you, Father!" 1414 01:00:53,151 --> 01:00:55,069 I work on the second floor of the bank 1415 01:00:56,529 --> 01:00:59,699 - in this fantasy scenario. - Go back to ISIS. 1416 01:00:59,949 --> 01:01:02,109 - (Audience murmuring) - WOMAN : Did he just say that? 1417 01:01:02,827 --> 01:01:04,412 Toast is a really strange food. 1418 01:01:04,495 --> 01:01:05,639 What... What did you just say? 1419 01:01:05,663 --> 01:01:06,765 You put bread, and you make it... 1420 01:01:06,789 --> 01:01:07,989 TERRY : It was nothing. Come on. 1421 01:01:08,207 --> 01:01:10,334 I said he should go back to ISIS. 1422 01:01:10,418 --> 01:01:12,253 (Audience murmuring) 1423 01:01:12,503 --> 01:01:14,106 - Toast is the only food... - BETH : No, I mean, 1424 01:01:14,130 --> 01:01:16,048 that is a really confusing position. 1425 01:01:16,132 --> 01:01:18,009 I mean, do you want ISIS to have more people? 1426 01:01:18,217 --> 01:01:19,594 No, I was saying that... 1427 01:01:19,677 --> 01:01:21,697 Guess what, everybody? We got an ISIS recruiter here. 1428 01:01:21,721 --> 01:01:22,847 (People laughing) 1429 01:01:22,930 --> 01:01:24,690 All right, glad we got to the bottom of that. 1430 01:01:25,016 --> 01:01:26,058 Toast is like a... 1431 01:01:26,142 --> 01:01:27,703 What is it about him that made you say that? 1432 01:01:27,727 --> 01:01:29,687 I think we know what the answer is. I don't... 1433 01:01:29,771 --> 01:01:30,831 Lady, I wasn't talking to you. 1434 01:01:30,855 --> 01:01:31,939 What is it about him? 1435 01:01:32,023 --> 01:01:32,857 We don't have to go down this path. 1436 01:01:32,940 --> 01:01:33,775 We know what's at the end of it... 1437 01:01:33,858 --> 01:01:35,109 'Cause of how he looks. 1438 01:01:35,568 --> 01:01:37,403 - (Audience murmurs) - There it is. 1439 01:01:37,779 --> 01:01:38,946 That is like saying 1440 01:01:39,030 --> 01:01:41,783 that all frat boys wearing country club hats 1441 01:01:41,866 --> 01:01:43,201 and Hawaiian shirts 1442 01:01:43,284 --> 01:01:44,720 have shriveled-up, tiny, little dicks. 1443 01:01:44,744 --> 01:01:45,787 (Audience laughing) 1444 01:01:45,953 --> 01:01:47,413 Okay, actually... Actually, Beth, 1445 01:01:47,497 --> 01:01:49,665 this is a bad way for you to find out, but he's right. 1446 01:01:49,832 --> 01:01:51,501 I actually am a terrorist. 1447 01:01:52,210 --> 01:01:54,086 I just do stand-up comedy on the side 1448 01:01:54,170 --> 01:01:55,463 to keep a low profile. 1449 01:01:55,546 --> 01:01:57,965 - (Audience laughing) - Fuck you. 1450 01:01:58,424 --> 01:01:59,884 First of all, very clever. 1451 01:02:00,134 --> 01:02:03,387 What? Did you... Did you write that at home? 1452 01:02:03,971 --> 01:02:05,264 (Scoffs) 1453 01:02:06,015 --> 01:02:07,015 Toast... 1454 01:02:07,099 --> 01:02:08,017 - is a very strange... - Fuck you! 1455 01:02:08,100 --> 01:02:09,644 - Fuck you. - No, fuck you. 1456 01:02:09,727 --> 01:02:10,788 You're a bitch, you know that? 1457 01:02:10,812 --> 01:02:12,605 - Fuck you! - (Audience exclaims) 1458 01:02:12,688 --> 01:02:13,981 (Excited chattering) 1459 01:02:14,524 --> 01:02:16,067 TERRY : Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 1460 01:02:16,150 --> 01:02:18,361 Hey, no. No, no, no, no. No. Listen. 1461 01:02:18,611 --> 01:02:20,154 Fucking kill you! 1462 01:02:20,404 --> 01:02:22,448 What's your fucking phone number? 1463 01:02:25,201 --> 01:02:26,369 Sorry, everybody. 1464 01:02:26,619 --> 01:02:28,454 - I'm sorry. - (Door closes) 1465 01:02:28,704 --> 01:02:32,083 I... I'm not sorry, actually, 1466 01:02:32,166 --> 01:02:34,418 'cause you're a terrible person. 1467 01:02:35,628 --> 01:02:37,922 I don't want to kick your ass here in front of everybody. 1468 01:02:38,214 --> 01:02:39,799 - (Chuckles) - Yeah, that's right. 1469 01:02:40,216 --> 01:02:42,009 I got levels, motherfucker. Okay? 1470 01:02:42,343 --> 01:02:44,554 This elevator goes all the way fucking down, 1471 01:02:44,637 --> 01:02:45,847 you fucking prick! 1472 01:02:56,691 --> 01:02:58,025 I think I'll make tea. 1473 01:03:00,570 --> 01:03:02,196 Actually, I'll open a bottle of wine. 1474 01:03:03,447 --> 01:03:05,825 Actually, um, does Emily have whiskey? 1475 01:03:06,284 --> 01:03:07,493 KUMAIL : On top of the fridge. 1476 01:03:09,036 --> 01:03:11,414 So, uh, Cubs doing good, huh? 1477 01:03:12,665 --> 01:03:14,750 I don't know anything about baseball. 1478 01:03:14,959 --> 01:03:16,085 No? Hmm. 1479 01:03:16,627 --> 01:03:18,170 I'm so sorry about that. 1480 01:03:19,213 --> 01:03:20,506 That was... 1481 01:03:22,675 --> 01:03:24,218 I just sort of lost control. 1482 01:03:24,802 --> 01:03:26,596 - I thought it was sexy. - Me, too. 1483 01:03:28,264 --> 01:03:29,765 Not like sexy, 1484 01:03:29,891 --> 01:03:34,186 but like cool sexy, not like aroused sexy. 1485 01:03:35,730 --> 01:03:37,315 I'm gonna not say "sexy" anymore. 1486 01:03:37,732 --> 01:03:39,412 Hey, you guys want to get something to eat? 1487 01:03:40,109 --> 01:03:41,152 (Country music playing) 1488 01:03:41,235 --> 01:03:42,421 TERRY : I know you guys got a formula. 1489 01:03:42,445 --> 01:03:43,321 You know, I've been to a couple shows now. 1490 01:03:43,404 --> 01:03:44,488 So is it always like that? 1491 01:03:44,739 --> 01:03:46,657 - Oh, like tonight? - Yeah. 1492 01:03:46,741 --> 01:03:49,285 No, usually a different mom comes in to help me. 1493 01:03:50,536 --> 01:03:52,079 I'm joking. No, it's... 1494 01:03:52,163 --> 01:03:54,206 It's not always like that. I'd quit if it was. 1495 01:03:54,290 --> 01:03:56,417 TERRY : Here's a joke. No. BETH : No. Terry, don't. 1496 01:03:56,751 --> 01:03:58,753 Terry's about as funny as a fart at a funeral. 1497 01:03:59,253 --> 01:04:00,463 (Kumail laughs) 1498 01:04:00,630 --> 01:04:02,149 No. This is funny. This is a funny one. 1499 01:04:02,173 --> 01:04:03,341 - KUMAIL : Okay. - All right. 1500 01:04:04,050 --> 01:04:06,052 A giraffe walks into a bar, 1501 01:04:06,385 --> 01:04:10,640 and he says to the bartender, "Highballs on me." 1502 01:04:13,434 --> 01:04:14,477 You get it, right? 1503 01:04:14,852 --> 01:04:16,312 Oh, that was the end of the joke? 1504 01:04:16,395 --> 01:04:17,480 Yeah, of course it was. 1505 01:04:17,563 --> 01:04:18,582 - That was the whole joke? - That's the joke. 1506 01:04:18,606 --> 01:04:19,899 That's the beauty of it. Boom. 1507 01:04:19,982 --> 01:04:21,776 - I thought there was more. - But you get it? 1508 01:04:21,901 --> 01:04:23,736 He's giraffe, he's tall, 1509 01:04:24,528 --> 01:04:28,908 so it would stand to reason, his testicles are high. 1510 01:04:28,991 --> 01:04:31,243 - Yeah. - And a highball is a drink. 1511 01:04:31,994 --> 01:04:34,538 And you ruined it by saying I wasn't funny first. 1512 01:04:34,622 --> 01:04:36,342 - That's what it was. - No. No. (Laughing) 1513 01:04:36,415 --> 01:04:37,875 No, it's good. I like my jokes, 1514 01:04:37,959 --> 01:04:39,251 like, thoroughly explained. 1515 01:04:39,335 --> 01:04:41,146 You're just busting... You're bustin' my highballs. 1516 01:04:41,170 --> 01:04:42,210 - Yeah. - (Kumail laughs) 1517 01:04:42,380 --> 01:04:44,048 (Instrumental Jazz playing) 1518 01:04:44,131 --> 01:04:46,550 Hmm. Mmm-hmm. 1519 01:04:46,634 --> 01:04:48,427 Complex finish, flamboyant mouth-feel. 1520 01:04:49,136 --> 01:04:50,262 Good. How about you? 1521 01:04:50,346 --> 01:04:51,639 - My turn? - Yeah. 1522 01:04:54,100 --> 01:04:55,142 Mmm-hmm. 1523 01:04:55,518 --> 01:04:56,519 Fruit-forward. 1524 01:04:56,602 --> 01:04:58,604 Good term, absolutely. Fruit-forward. 1525 01:04:58,688 --> 01:04:59,768 - Yeah. No. - I'm impressed. 1526 01:04:59,814 --> 01:05:00,648 This one... It's in the front seat. 1527 01:05:00,731 --> 01:05:02,858 - It's driving the wine car. - Exactly. It is. 1528 01:05:02,942 --> 01:05:05,736 I like wine 'cause of the buzz. 1529 01:05:06,112 --> 01:05:08,864 Mmm. She's a bit of a lightweight, Beth. 1530 01:05:08,948 --> 01:05:10,825 - (Scoffs) So is Terry. - Come on. 1531 01:05:10,950 --> 01:05:13,119 He'll be passed out on the sofa in less than an hour. 1532 01:05:13,202 --> 01:05:15,663 Aah. That's nonsense. You know that's not true. 1533 01:05:15,871 --> 01:05:18,165 ♪ You don't want to see me hangin' on... ♪ 1534 01:05:18,249 --> 01:05:20,489 You weren't supposed to be on the show tonight, were you? 1535 01:05:20,543 --> 01:05:21,669 Oh, me, on the show tonight? 1536 01:05:21,752 --> 01:05:23,295 Yeah, I was. I was the headliner. 1537 01:05:24,171 --> 01:05:26,507 ♪ You said I was a complicated boy ♪ 1538 01:05:26,590 --> 01:05:27,633 Okay. 1539 01:05:29,468 --> 01:05:30,761 I lied about the show 1540 01:05:30,845 --> 01:05:32,513 to get out of hanging out with you guys, 1541 01:05:33,597 --> 01:05:35,182 and then I lied about headlining 1542 01:05:35,683 --> 01:05:37,018 to impress you guys. 1543 01:05:37,268 --> 01:05:38,644 Well, that didn't work. 1544 01:05:40,646 --> 01:05:43,065 Also, I think I screwed up with your daughter. 1545 01:05:44,859 --> 01:05:46,068 Yeah. 1546 01:05:46,986 --> 01:05:48,154 You did. 1547 01:05:49,071 --> 01:05:52,033 I don't know how people do it when their family's sick. 1548 01:05:52,450 --> 01:05:54,660 My Uncle Lew, he got cancer. 1549 01:05:54,744 --> 01:05:57,496 Then he had a stroke, then a heart attack. 1550 01:05:58,247 --> 01:05:59,433 Then he had a recurrence of the cancer. 1551 01:05:59,457 --> 01:06:00,559 But you know what killed him? 1552 01:06:00,583 --> 01:06:02,126 - Cancer? - Car accident. 1553 01:06:03,085 --> 01:06:04,354 We think maybe it was a heart attack 1554 01:06:04,378 --> 01:06:07,131 while he was driving, and he did still have cancer, too. 1555 01:06:07,214 --> 01:06:08,299 And you know what? 1556 01:06:09,258 --> 01:06:10,926 He ate sprouts his whole fucking life. 1557 01:06:12,178 --> 01:06:13,846 Hadn't had a yolk in 30 years. 1558 01:06:14,513 --> 01:06:15,765 (Sighs) 1559 01:06:16,432 --> 01:06:18,976 ♪ Then I won't stand in your way ♪ 1560 01:06:19,101 --> 01:06:21,103 I don't know how I'm gonna sleep tonight. 1561 01:06:22,563 --> 01:06:24,023 You want to stress eat? 1562 01:06:24,398 --> 01:06:25,733 Fuck, yeah. 1563 01:06:27,026 --> 01:06:28,152 KUMAIL : Oh, my God. 1564 01:06:28,235 --> 01:06:30,780 BETH : (Laughing) I know. "Most noticeable." 1565 01:06:32,323 --> 01:06:33,616 Oh, now, now, hold on, hold on. 1566 01:06:33,741 --> 01:06:35,242 There's more. Look. 1567 01:06:36,410 --> 01:06:39,663 The legendary cemetery photo shoot. 1568 01:06:39,747 --> 01:06:41,582 Oh. Oh... My God. 1569 01:06:41,874 --> 01:06:44,710 BETH : (Laughs) Nah! KUMAIL : Oh! Wow! 1570 01:06:44,794 --> 01:06:46,712 BETH : Oh. I laughed so hard when I saw these, 1571 01:06:46,796 --> 01:06:48,422 she got so... So mad at me. 1572 01:06:48,714 --> 01:06:49,840 You're gonna wake him up. 1573 01:06:50,007 --> 01:06:52,051 Are you kidding? He could sleep though anything. 1574 01:06:52,134 --> 01:06:54,053 - Hey, Terry! - Shh! 1575 01:06:54,553 --> 01:06:55,930 How did you and Terry meet? 1576 01:06:56,430 --> 01:06:59,767 I was, um, going to East Carolina University. 1577 01:07:00,184 --> 01:07:03,062 And I was, um, waiting tables, 1578 01:07:03,145 --> 01:07:04,581 and, you know, we met at this coffee shop. 1579 01:07:04,605 --> 01:07:05,648 I was waiting on him, 1580 01:07:05,731 --> 01:07:07,066 you know, and I liked his hair. 1581 01:07:08,734 --> 01:07:10,319 He was a teacher already, you know. 1582 01:07:10,736 --> 01:07:12,196 Thick New York accent, 1583 01:07:12,279 --> 01:07:14,615 like... like nobody I'd ever met, you know. 1584 01:07:14,949 --> 01:07:16,283 Totally wrong for me. 1585 01:07:16,575 --> 01:07:18,285 So, naturally, we fell in love. 1586 01:07:18,744 --> 01:07:20,913 My family could not stand him. 1587 01:07:21,288 --> 01:07:23,833 We're all military people. Army pilots. 1588 01:07:23,916 --> 01:07:25,376 All my brothers played football. 1589 01:07:25,459 --> 01:07:26,779 Terry couldn't even change a tire. 1590 01:07:27,503 --> 01:07:29,630 My father got so mad at me, 1591 01:07:30,923 --> 01:07:32,466 he broke every dinner plate we had. 1592 01:07:32,550 --> 01:07:36,095 Now back then, um, you go to the gas station, 1593 01:07:36,178 --> 01:07:37,978 you fill up your tank, you get a dinner plate. 1594 01:07:38,013 --> 01:07:38,848 Oh. 1595 01:07:38,931 --> 01:07:40,408 But just one at a time, like cup, saucer. 1596 01:07:40,432 --> 01:07:42,935 It took a year of fill-ups to get the whole set back. 1597 01:07:43,352 --> 01:07:45,479 And Terry... Terry just stuck around. 1598 01:07:46,105 --> 01:07:47,273 Eventually, 1599 01:07:47,731 --> 01:07:49,150 they just all got over it. 1600 01:07:50,317 --> 01:07:52,111 - They just got over it? - Mm-hmm. 1601 01:07:52,862 --> 01:07:53,862 How? 1602 01:07:54,029 --> 01:07:55,656 Lots of fucked-up dinners. 1603 01:07:57,283 --> 01:07:58,742 How'd your parents meet, Kumail? 1604 01:08:00,161 --> 01:08:02,204 So we have arranged marriage, as you know, 1605 01:08:02,288 --> 01:08:05,583 and a big group got together to go see a movie, 1606 01:08:05,666 --> 01:08:07,501 but really it was just a set-up 1607 01:08:07,585 --> 01:08:09,295 so my mom and my dad could meet. 1608 01:08:10,296 --> 01:08:11,589 What movie did they see? 1609 01:08:12,882 --> 01:08:14,133 I have no idea. 1610 01:08:15,009 --> 01:08:16,218 I never asked. 1611 01:08:19,597 --> 01:08:21,891 BETH : She's great, you know? KUMAIL : Yeah. 1612 01:08:23,017 --> 01:08:24,101 I know. 1613 01:08:25,060 --> 01:08:26,687 I feel good about the surgery. 1614 01:08:27,688 --> 01:08:30,566 Yeah. Me, too. These doctors know what they're doing. 1615 01:08:30,649 --> 01:08:31,775 No, they don't. 1616 01:08:33,319 --> 01:08:35,196 They're just winging it like everybody else. 1617 01:08:47,458 --> 01:08:51,003 (Sighs) Oh... fuck. 1618 01:09:01,222 --> 01:09:02,324 EMILY ON RECORDING: Hey, it's me. 1619 01:09:02,348 --> 01:09:05,601 So, um, I tried making some Pakistani food, 1620 01:09:05,684 --> 01:09:09,063 uh, to surprise you, and either I'm a bad cook 1621 01:09:09,146 --> 01:09:11,899 (Laughing) or all Pakistani food is terrible. 1622 01:09:11,982 --> 01:09:13,859 I don't know yet. Bye! 1623 01:09:18,155 --> 01:09:21,033 Hey, it's me. Um, if you just want to come over 1624 01:09:21,116 --> 01:09:23,744 and, like, kiss me for two seconds, 1625 01:09:23,827 --> 01:09:25,746 I'd really love that tonight. 1626 01:09:25,829 --> 01:09:27,790 Okay, bye. 1627 01:09:31,377 --> 01:09:34,255 Hey, it's me. So, uh, did you want to meet at the gallery? 1628 01:09:34,338 --> 01:09:36,215 Oh, my God! (Laughing) 1629 01:09:36,298 --> 01:09:37,341 Oh, my God! 1630 01:09:37,424 --> 01:09:39,635 Oh, my God! A bird just hit me in the head! 1631 01:09:39,927 --> 01:09:41,387 Oh, my God! I'm not kidding! 1632 01:09:41,553 --> 01:09:43,097 (Emily laughing) 1633 01:09:43,180 --> 01:09:46,642 I'll call you right back. Oh, my God, is it okay? 1634 01:09:52,231 --> 01:09:54,483 The infection around the lungs has been removed. 1635 01:09:55,067 --> 01:09:56,544 We should be able to pull her out soon. 1636 01:09:56,568 --> 01:09:58,737 - (Gasps) - Oh, boy! Whew. 1637 01:09:58,821 --> 01:10:00,990 Oh. Well, how soon? 1638 01:10:01,073 --> 01:10:03,075 She should be up by tomorrow morning at the latest. 1639 01:10:03,492 --> 01:10:04,368 Oh, wow. 1640 01:10:04,451 --> 01:10:06,870 We'll also test the pleural fluid from the thoracentesis 1641 01:10:06,954 --> 01:10:09,290 to create a more targeted antibiotic strategy. 1642 01:10:09,873 --> 01:10:13,127 - So this is good news? - It's very good news. 1643 01:10:13,210 --> 01:10:14,479 - Yeah. - We'll just hold on to her 1644 01:10:14,503 --> 01:10:16,543 for a few more days, and then you can have her back. 1645 01:10:16,588 --> 01:10:18,299 She's a fighter, right? 1646 01:10:18,757 --> 01:10:19,757 Yes. 1647 01:10:22,261 --> 01:10:23,304 I was so worried. 1648 01:10:23,470 --> 01:10:25,306 We saw on the news that a train derailed, 1649 01:10:25,389 --> 01:10:26,783 and we thought that you were on the train, 1650 01:10:26,807 --> 01:10:27,891 and you had died. 1651 01:10:27,975 --> 01:10:29,643 Nobody died on that train, Ma. 1652 01:10:29,727 --> 01:10:31,047 But did they look under the train? 1653 01:10:31,228 --> 01:10:33,188 So where were you last night? What were you doing? 1654 01:10:33,230 --> 01:10:35,107 Nothing. I wasn't doing anything. 1655 01:10:35,399 --> 01:10:38,485 - Kumail? - All right, I'll tell you. 1656 01:10:38,569 --> 01:10:40,612 - Tell. - I was... 1657 01:10:41,530 --> 01:10:42,948 I was studying for the LSAT. 1658 01:10:43,032 --> 01:10:44,116 (Laughing) 1659 01:10:44,199 --> 01:10:46,243 - Really? - Yup. 1660 01:10:46,452 --> 01:10:51,457 I signed up, and if I pass, I'm going to go to law school 1661 01:10:51,623 --> 01:10:53,000 and become a lawyer 1662 01:10:54,293 --> 01:10:55,586 and do law. 1663 01:10:55,669 --> 01:10:57,254 - Hmm. - (Doorbell rings) 1664 01:10:57,338 --> 01:10:59,131 Oh, let me see who that could be. 1665 01:10:59,548 --> 01:11:01,300 - Really, Dad? - What? 1666 01:11:01,383 --> 01:11:03,194 You said that nobody was going to come, it was just... 1667 01:11:03,218 --> 01:11:04,529 - Gonna be just us. - Kumail, do you know this guy? 1668 01:11:04,553 --> 01:11:05,637 People say Sam! 1669 01:11:06,305 --> 01:11:07,681 People say Sam! Do you know him? 1670 01:11:08,098 --> 01:11:08,932 Yeah, I know him. 1671 01:11:09,016 --> 01:11:10,368 He should be on Saturday Night Live. 1672 01:11:10,392 --> 01:11:11,226 SNL. 1673 01:11:11,310 --> 01:11:12,537 AZMAT : People don't say "Sam." They say salaam. 1674 01:11:12,561 --> 01:11:14,063 Everybody, you remember Khadija? 1675 01:11:14,563 --> 01:11:15,814 She just dropped in. 1676 01:11:15,898 --> 01:11:17,441 She was just in the neighborhood. 1677 01:11:17,524 --> 01:11:21,028 And these are her parents, Rahan and Tina. 1678 01:11:21,904 --> 01:11:23,405 They also just dropped in. 1679 01:11:23,489 --> 01:11:25,532 (All greeting in Urdu) 1680 01:11:25,991 --> 01:11:27,910 (All speaking Urdu) 1681 01:11:35,417 --> 01:11:38,170 KHADIJA : I've just been on so many of these appointments, 1682 01:11:38,587 --> 01:11:40,923 and I just never have anything in common with the guys. 1683 01:11:41,006 --> 01:11:41,840 KUMAIL : Yeah. 1684 01:11:41,924 --> 01:11:44,176 You know, when girls at work complain to me about dating, 1685 01:11:44,259 --> 01:11:46,261 I just... I want to body-slam them. 1686 01:11:46,345 --> 01:11:47,763 - (Laughs) - They have no idea. 1687 01:11:47,846 --> 01:11:49,098 - Right. - I don't know. 1688 01:11:49,181 --> 01:11:52,726 My mom says I'm becoming like the bruised apple 1689 01:11:52,810 --> 01:11:54,561 at the bottom of the apple bucket. 1690 01:11:54,645 --> 01:11:56,522 - No. No, no, no, you're not. - Yeah. 1691 01:11:56,605 --> 01:11:57,940 - I am. - No, you're not. 1692 01:11:59,608 --> 01:12:01,610 So, do you want to hang out sometime? 1693 01:12:02,569 --> 01:12:04,196 Like, without our parents. 1694 01:12:04,571 --> 01:12:06,073 Have you been to the Cat Café? 1695 01:12:06,156 --> 01:12:07,950 The cats just come up to you 1696 01:12:08,075 --> 01:12:11,036 and nestle in your lap, and you just pet them. 1697 01:12:12,121 --> 01:12:13,497 I don't think that's a good idea. 1698 01:12:13,747 --> 01:12:15,499 You don't like... cats? 1699 01:12:15,582 --> 01:12:17,418 - (Laughs) - I mean... 1700 01:12:17,584 --> 01:12:20,671 I don't think it's a good idea for us to hang out again. 1701 01:12:21,505 --> 01:12:22,840 It's not you. 1702 01:12:23,173 --> 01:12:25,259 You're fantastic. 1703 01:12:25,551 --> 01:12:27,678 I just can't do this arranged marriage thing. 1704 01:12:28,095 --> 01:12:29,596 With anybody. 1705 01:12:30,431 --> 01:12:31,932 So why did you meet me? 1706 01:12:33,308 --> 01:12:35,018 It wasn't my idea. 1707 01:12:36,937 --> 01:12:38,063 (Sniffles) 1708 01:12:40,649 --> 01:12:42,192 I'm just really tired. (Sniffles) 1709 01:12:43,235 --> 01:12:45,654 Do you ever want to just be in a relationship 1710 01:12:45,737 --> 01:12:48,991 so you can just finally relax? 1711 01:12:50,200 --> 01:12:51,326 I'm sorry. 1712 01:12:54,997 --> 01:12:56,623 You deserve better than me. 1713 01:12:58,208 --> 01:13:00,002 People always telling me what I deserve. 1714 01:13:01,044 --> 01:13:02,129 It's bullshit. 1715 01:13:03,422 --> 01:13:06,049 And stop being so sorry about everything. 1716 01:13:07,176 --> 01:13:08,427 (Keys jingling) 1717 01:13:08,510 --> 01:13:09,803 I'm gonna go. 1718 01:13:11,472 --> 01:13:13,640 And do you know what? I watched The X-Files. 1719 01:13:13,974 --> 01:13:17,311 Like, three whole episodes, and it's a bad show. 1720 01:13:30,199 --> 01:13:31,593 Wow, they should call this web site, 1721 01:13:31,617 --> 01:13:33,702 "everything is cancer dot-com." 1722 01:13:33,827 --> 01:13:37,122 Whatever symptom you put in, it could be cancer. 1723 01:13:37,748 --> 01:13:39,958 Hiccups could be cancer. Come on. 1724 01:13:40,501 --> 01:13:42,002 Take the fun out of hiccups now. 1725 01:13:42,252 --> 01:13:45,672 But, you know, this is the 17th best hospital in Chicago? 1726 01:13:46,757 --> 01:13:49,384 - Really? Out of how many? - I don't know. 1727 01:13:50,093 --> 01:13:51,803 But Northwestern's number one. 1728 01:13:52,513 --> 01:13:53,597 How do they rate, 1729 01:13:53,680 --> 01:13:55,533 - or what's the methodology? - I don't know, Terry. 1730 01:13:55,557 --> 01:13:57,226 But 17th is bad. 1731 01:13:57,684 --> 01:13:59,811 It's not great. Unless the sample size is... 1732 01:14:00,103 --> 01:14:01,313 You know, that all depends. 1733 01:14:01,438 --> 01:14:02,648 Here, look at the comments. 1734 01:14:03,190 --> 01:14:04,626 This is why I don't want to go online 1735 01:14:04,650 --> 01:14:05,776 'cause it's never good. 1736 01:14:06,068 --> 01:14:07,945 You go online, they hated Forrest Gump. 1737 01:14:09,112 --> 01:14:10,447 Frickin' best movie ever. 1738 01:14:13,158 --> 01:14:14,660 Yeah, I know. 1739 01:14:14,743 --> 01:14:16,495 Well, it, no, it hasn't been that long. 1740 01:14:17,913 --> 01:14:19,581 Like, three hours, maybe. 1741 01:14:20,249 --> 01:14:22,125 Oh, hey, I... I... All right, I got to go. 1742 01:14:23,794 --> 01:14:25,254 - Terry, hi. - Hey. 1743 01:14:25,337 --> 01:14:26,672 - Can we talk? - Yeah, yeah. 1744 01:14:26,755 --> 01:14:27,755 Okay. 1745 01:14:28,507 --> 01:14:30,092 We got the biopsy results. 1746 01:14:30,425 --> 01:14:32,386 They are, unfortunately, inconclusive. 1747 01:14:33,011 --> 01:14:35,097 Uh, we're concerned because it is also... 1748 01:14:35,180 --> 01:14:36,974 (Inaudible) 1749 01:14:37,766 --> 01:14:39,726 Well, wait, wait, what does that mean? 1750 01:14:39,810 --> 01:14:42,271 It means it's aggressive. It means that... 1751 01:14:42,437 --> 01:14:44,314 (Inaudible) 1752 01:14:51,446 --> 01:14:53,174 TERRY : I mean, they... They couldn't find out what 1753 01:14:53,198 --> 01:14:54,658 the disease was or where the... 1754 01:14:55,075 --> 01:14:56,928 Where the virus came from, the bacteria, whatever. 1755 01:14:56,952 --> 01:14:58,096 But they took out the infection, 1756 01:14:58,120 --> 01:14:59,472 - so it shouldn't matter. - I know. That's what I said. 1757 01:14:59,496 --> 01:15:01,290 But, uh, her vitals didn't normalize. 1758 01:15:01,373 --> 01:15:02,749 And now they say, the infection, 1759 01:15:02,833 --> 01:15:05,627 it's continuing to spread. It's in her kidneys now. 1760 01:15:05,877 --> 01:15:07,713 But the kidneys are so far from the lungs. 1761 01:15:07,796 --> 01:15:08,630 I know. 1762 01:15:08,714 --> 01:15:11,466 It's an aggressive infection, and they said 1763 01:15:11,550 --> 01:15:13,278 what they got to do now is they just got to figure out 1764 01:15:13,302 --> 01:15:14,362 what this mystery disease actually is. 1765 01:15:14,386 --> 01:15:18,056 Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. 1766 01:15:19,349 --> 01:15:20,767 I'm calling Northwestern. 1767 01:15:20,934 --> 01:15:22,495 - Just hold on, hold on. - Terry, Goddammit... 1768 01:15:22,519 --> 01:15:23,729 I think we should talk about... 1769 01:15:23,812 --> 01:15:24,646 Shut up. 1770 01:15:24,730 --> 01:15:27,149 I'm sick of this shit, Terry. We're getting her out of here. 1771 01:15:27,482 --> 01:15:28,692 They're in the middle of the... 1772 01:15:28,775 --> 01:15:30,193 Of the whole process of elimination. 1773 01:15:30,277 --> 01:15:32,505 So you're saying Northwestern can't take that information 1774 01:15:32,529 --> 01:15:33,739 and continue the search? 1775 01:15:33,822 --> 01:15:35,407 This place is a shithole. I'm sorry. 1776 01:15:35,490 --> 01:15:36,825 Anna, could I have that? 1777 01:15:37,034 --> 01:15:38,714 Will you just stop for a second, all right? 1778 01:15:38,785 --> 01:15:39,703 They are the doctors. 1779 01:15:39,786 --> 01:15:40,704 You act like you know what you're talking about. 1780 01:15:40,787 --> 01:15:42,347 - Doctors are not the same. - You don't. 1781 01:15:42,414 --> 01:15:43,874 I can't find my cell phone. 1782 01:15:43,957 --> 01:15:45,042 - You got a phone? - Yeah. 1783 01:15:45,125 --> 01:15:46,125 Don't give her the phone. 1784 01:15:46,335 --> 01:15:47,437 Don't... You don't need a phone. 1785 01:15:47,461 --> 01:15:49,230 You don't need to call anybody right now. The... 1786 01:15:49,254 --> 01:15:51,065 They're doing it. They're the experts here, and... 1787 01:15:51,089 --> 01:15:52,591 - And I trust them. - One, five... 1788 01:15:52,674 --> 01:15:53,508 Oh, well, that's very nice, but I don't. 1789 01:15:53,592 --> 01:15:54,718 Can you unlock that thing? 1790 01:15:55,052 --> 01:15:56,571 There... There's a reason they're number 17 1791 01:15:56,595 --> 01:15:57,846 and Northwestern's number one. 1792 01:15:57,929 --> 01:15:59,741 And that's not because people trust them. Thank you. 1793 01:15:59,765 --> 01:16:01,600 Wait, you think you're smarter than me. 1794 01:16:01,683 --> 01:16:02,683 You say big sentences. 1795 01:16:02,726 --> 01:16:04,102 Okay, well, you're not. You're not. 1796 01:16:05,103 --> 01:16:07,272 (Stammering) 1797 01:16:08,273 --> 01:16:09,584 I don't think I'm smarter than you. 1798 01:16:09,608 --> 01:16:11,336 You just don't think you're as smart as I am. 1799 01:16:11,360 --> 01:16:13,528 - That's not my fault. - Right, it's... 1800 01:16:13,612 --> 01:16:15,864 It's never your fault. Everything's my fault. 1801 01:16:15,947 --> 01:16:18,075 Oh, there are some things that are definitely... 1802 01:16:18,825 --> 01:16:20,327 ...just your fault. 1803 01:16:22,287 --> 01:16:24,206 Okay, that's... That's bullshit. 1804 01:16:24,456 --> 01:16:26,833 You need to stop freaking out and calm down. 1805 01:16:26,917 --> 01:16:28,502 And you need to stop being a coward. 1806 01:16:30,337 --> 01:16:31,380 Right. 1807 01:16:32,172 --> 01:16:33,757 The greatest hits comin' back. 1808 01:16:33,840 --> 01:16:35,592 Okay, you can just... Well, you can stop. 1809 01:16:35,676 --> 01:16:38,220 I'll... I'll replay the rest of this from memory. 1810 01:16:41,765 --> 01:16:43,684 Yeah, don't... Listen to me... 1811 01:16:50,816 --> 01:16:52,734 (Indistinct PA chatter) 1812 01:17:05,288 --> 01:17:08,333 (Heart monitor beeping) 1813 01:17:09,543 --> 01:17:11,837 Oh. You're giraffe-ing it. 1814 01:17:11,920 --> 01:17:13,338 It's the biggest thing they had. 1815 01:17:13,630 --> 01:17:15,257 I don't even know if she likes giraffes. 1816 01:17:15,590 --> 01:17:16,925 We never talked about... 1817 01:17:18,385 --> 01:17:19,636 ...giraffes. 1818 01:17:20,387 --> 01:17:21,888 Hey, do they know what they're doing? 1819 01:17:21,972 --> 01:17:23,765 'Cause they don't tell us anything. 1820 01:17:24,307 --> 01:17:25,934 Like, uh, Lyme disease. 1821 01:17:26,017 --> 01:17:27,737 You know, the girl on The Real World had it. 1822 01:17:27,769 --> 01:17:29,938 - Did you guys look for that? - Yes, we did. 1823 01:17:30,021 --> 01:17:31,457 You know, she gets hurt all the time, 1824 01:17:31,481 --> 01:17:34,025 and she messed up her ankle recently. Could that be lupus? 1825 01:17:34,109 --> 01:17:36,403 Listen, we're looking into everything. 1826 01:17:36,903 --> 01:17:38,822 We're not holding anything back from you. 1827 01:17:39,114 --> 01:17:42,284 We're still just eliminating possibilities. 1828 01:17:42,993 --> 01:17:45,287 'Cause Beth wants to move her to Northwestern. 1829 01:17:45,454 --> 01:17:47,956 No. Emily should not be moved. 1830 01:17:49,332 --> 01:17:50,834 The hospital will approve it 1831 01:17:50,917 --> 01:17:53,044 because it'll get the liability off their hands. 1832 01:17:53,420 --> 01:17:55,338 But we put her in a coma for a reason, 1833 01:17:55,589 --> 01:17:57,007 to stabilize her. 1834 01:17:57,174 --> 01:17:59,676 Moving her could be very dangerous. 1835 01:18:00,719 --> 01:18:04,014 Trust me, she is fighting this, and so are we. 1836 01:18:05,766 --> 01:18:08,351 ("Biggest Part of Me" by David Pack playing) 1837 01:18:08,602 --> 01:18:10,729 Hey, Terry, I was just talking to the... 1838 01:18:11,813 --> 01:18:13,190 - You okay? - Yeah. 1839 01:18:13,273 --> 01:18:15,066 Yeah, of course. (Sniffles) 1840 01:18:15,901 --> 01:18:17,194 Fine. Totally fine. 1841 01:18:17,277 --> 01:18:20,071 Just, uh... Beth went to Emily, so, uh... 1842 01:18:20,864 --> 01:18:23,325 I'm gonna wait here till they kick me out, you know? 1843 01:18:23,408 --> 01:18:24,493 (Chuckles) 1844 01:18:25,744 --> 01:18:26,912 Just keep an eye on her. 1845 01:18:32,000 --> 01:18:33,543 Do you want to crash at my place? 1846 01:18:34,461 --> 01:18:36,546 - You got Golf Channel? - No. 1847 01:18:37,672 --> 01:18:38,799 That wasn't funny, right? 1848 01:18:39,007 --> 01:18:41,301 Oh, I didn't... I thought that was a serious question. 1849 01:18:42,219 --> 01:18:43,428 Let's get the fuck out of here. 1850 01:18:49,601 --> 01:18:50,685 So... 1851 01:18:51,228 --> 01:18:52,646 This is the place. 1852 01:18:52,729 --> 01:18:54,356 Huh. Wow. 1853 01:18:55,857 --> 01:18:57,108 This place is terrible. 1854 01:19:00,821 --> 01:19:02,239 (Exhales) 1855 01:19:02,447 --> 01:19:05,492 KUMAIL : Hey, uh, I talked to Nurse Judy, 1856 01:19:05,826 --> 01:19:07,452 and she was saying that, like, 1857 01:19:07,536 --> 01:19:09,579 moving Emily could be a bad idea. 1858 01:19:10,372 --> 01:19:11,206 Really? 1859 01:19:11,289 --> 01:19:13,291 Yeah, she said it could be dangerous. 1860 01:19:16,044 --> 01:19:17,212 Like, something... 1861 01:19:17,295 --> 01:19:18,964 (Stammers) Yeah, I hear you. 1862 01:19:20,257 --> 01:19:22,092 And... (Sighs) Hmm. 1863 01:19:22,175 --> 01:19:25,136 I just... I'd give anything just to... 1864 01:19:26,179 --> 01:19:27,639 trade places with Emily. 1865 01:19:27,848 --> 01:19:28,848 You know? 1866 01:19:30,141 --> 01:19:33,103 Being a parent, it's... It's a nightmare. 1867 01:19:33,812 --> 01:19:36,857 Loving somebody this much sucks. 1868 01:19:38,149 --> 01:19:39,609 Yeah. 1869 01:19:40,277 --> 01:19:41,403 And, uh, 1870 01:19:41,653 --> 01:19:43,488 I guess you've noticed the tension 1871 01:19:43,572 --> 01:19:45,657 between Beth and me. 1872 01:19:47,367 --> 01:19:48,785 Uh, not really. 1873 01:19:49,035 --> 01:19:50,829 Uh, it's none of my business, 1874 01:19:50,912 --> 01:19:52,632 - so I don't try to... - Yeah, well, it's... 1875 01:19:52,706 --> 01:19:53,874 Uh, it's there. 1876 01:19:54,749 --> 01:19:56,209 Big-time. 1877 01:19:57,919 --> 01:20:00,338 It's getting really late. We should go to sleep. 1878 01:20:09,139 --> 01:20:10,432 I cheated on her. 1879 01:20:11,683 --> 01:20:12,934 (Quietly] Fuck. 1880 01:20:13,018 --> 01:20:14,102 I did. 1881 01:20:16,104 --> 01:20:17,606 It was just a one-night stand. 1882 01:20:17,689 --> 01:20:19,482 - Okay. - We met at some bar 1883 01:20:19,566 --> 01:20:20,609 in Cincinnati. 1884 01:20:20,692 --> 01:20:23,069 They... They have these teacher conferences. 1885 01:20:24,321 --> 01:20:26,531 Who goes to a math conference to get laid? 1886 01:20:27,240 --> 01:20:28,533 Math teachers? 1887 01:20:28,617 --> 01:20:29,868 Yeah. 1888 01:20:30,619 --> 01:20:32,913 I... I think I was depressed. 1889 01:20:32,996 --> 01:20:35,123 - That's what it was. - Yeah. 1890 01:20:35,457 --> 01:20:36,875 Let's talk about it tomorrow. 1891 01:20:37,667 --> 01:20:38,710 Get a full night's sleep, 1892 01:20:39,002 --> 01:20:40,229 tackle it fresh in the morning... 1893 01:20:40,253 --> 01:20:43,214 She just smelled so... good. 1894 01:20:45,675 --> 01:20:47,010 It was horrible, too. 1895 01:20:47,093 --> 01:20:50,347 As soon as I was finished, as soon as I'd finished, 1896 01:20:50,430 --> 01:20:53,266 I was like, "What did you fucking do? 1897 01:20:53,892 --> 01:20:56,645 "What did you just do? 1898 01:20:58,855 --> 01:21:00,398 "What did you do?" 1899 01:21:02,192 --> 01:21:03,902 You know, that... that, uh, 1900 01:21:04,444 --> 01:21:08,323 moment of clarity you get, right after an orgasm. 1901 01:21:09,532 --> 01:21:10,700 Yeah. 1902 01:21:11,660 --> 01:21:13,244 I told Beth right away. 1903 01:21:13,453 --> 01:21:14,537 I had to. 1904 01:21:16,331 --> 01:21:17,707 She was devastated. 1905 01:21:18,541 --> 01:21:19,918 And now she hates me. 1906 01:21:21,044 --> 01:21:23,171 She might be mad at you, but... 1907 01:21:23,672 --> 01:21:24,839 But she doesn't hate you. 1908 01:21:25,006 --> 01:21:27,050 Should've heard the way she was talking about you. 1909 01:21:27,133 --> 01:21:28,134 Mmm. 1910 01:21:29,386 --> 01:21:30,804 Hey, can I ask you something? 1911 01:21:33,640 --> 01:21:34,640 Why'd you tell her? 1912 01:21:34,808 --> 01:21:35,934 Oh, I had to. 1913 01:21:36,017 --> 01:21:37,227 I'm no good with guilt. 1914 01:21:39,229 --> 01:21:40,355 Do you guys talk about it? 1915 01:21:40,438 --> 01:21:41,523 Not anymore. 1916 01:21:42,816 --> 01:21:45,443 She said she forgave me, but... but, no. 1917 01:21:46,736 --> 01:21:47,821 She hasn't. 1918 01:21:49,948 --> 01:21:51,658 Let me give you some advice, Kumail. 1919 01:21:54,327 --> 01:21:56,621 You're gonna know the woman that you want to spend 1920 01:21:56,705 --> 01:21:57,956 the rest of your life with 1921 01:21:59,207 --> 01:22:00,542 when you cheat on her. 1922 01:22:01,042 --> 01:22:04,754 When you cheat on her and you just feel like shit. 1923 01:22:06,840 --> 01:22:09,259 So to fully know I love someone, 1924 01:22:09,342 --> 01:22:11,428 I have to cheat on them? 1925 01:22:13,430 --> 01:22:15,390 Out loud, it sounds stupid. 1926 01:22:17,809 --> 01:22:19,936 Eh, it's... Yeah, that's terrible advice. 1927 01:22:20,020 --> 01:22:21,062 (Mutters) 1928 01:22:22,272 --> 01:22:23,273 Love... 1929 01:22:23,398 --> 01:22:25,108 Love isn't easy. 1930 01:22:26,609 --> 01:22:28,278 That's why they call it love. 1931 01:22:29,487 --> 01:22:30,864 I don't really get that either. 1932 01:22:30,947 --> 01:22:33,575 I know. I thought I could just start saying something, 1933 01:22:33,658 --> 01:22:35,076 and something smart would come out. 1934 01:22:47,130 --> 01:22:48,506 (Groans) 1935 01:22:53,595 --> 01:22:54,929 (Toilet flushes) 1936 01:22:55,138 --> 01:22:56,514 Hey, did you see Terry? 1937 01:22:56,890 --> 01:22:58,475 Yeah, I heard him leave this morning. 1938 01:22:58,767 --> 01:23:00,327 I'm going to Subbies. You want anything? 1939 01:23:00,393 --> 01:23:01,770 Nah, I'm good. Thank you. 1940 01:23:01,853 --> 01:23:03,354 You don't want a hot dog or nothin'? 1941 01:23:03,438 --> 01:23:04,856 Dude, it's 8:30 in the morning. 1942 01:23:04,981 --> 01:23:07,150 Okay. No hot dog. 1943 01:23:08,068 --> 01:23:09,194 (Door opens) 1944 01:23:09,486 --> 01:23:10,612 Oh, hi. 1945 01:23:10,695 --> 01:23:12,322 Oh, yeah, you can go right in. 1946 01:23:14,491 --> 01:23:16,326 We just spoke to Khadija's parents. 1947 01:23:16,409 --> 01:23:18,745 - What are you doing here? - What is wrong with you, Kumi? 1948 01:23:18,828 --> 01:23:20,413 Nothing is wrong with me. I'm sorry. 1949 01:23:20,497 --> 01:23:22,207 Sorry? That's all you have to say? 1950 01:23:22,290 --> 01:23:23,350 Okay, I... I don't... I wasn't that into her. 1951 01:23:23,374 --> 01:23:24,584 - Into her? - Yeah. 1952 01:23:24,667 --> 01:23:25,770 Do you know how difficult it is 1953 01:23:25,794 --> 01:23:27,003 to get an appointment with her? 1954 01:23:27,087 --> 01:23:28,505 She's in very high demand. 1955 01:23:28,588 --> 01:23:30,256 - Okay, so? - So? 1956 01:23:30,340 --> 01:23:32,193 Can we please talk about this another time? I... I... 1957 01:23:32,217 --> 01:23:35,720 No, no, Kumi. We will talk about this now. 1958 01:23:35,887 --> 01:23:38,431 We have sacrificed everything for you. 1959 01:23:38,515 --> 01:23:40,100 I know. Okay? 1960 01:23:40,600 --> 01:23:42,143 We have left our family. 1961 01:23:42,227 --> 01:23:43,812 We have left our home. 1962 01:23:43,895 --> 01:23:46,773 I have missed the birth of my sister's daughter. 1963 01:23:47,357 --> 01:23:51,486 I have not seen my mother for 15 years. 1964 01:23:51,861 --> 01:23:55,907 Your father, he had to do his graduate school again. 1965 01:23:56,032 --> 01:23:57,867 He had to give exams again. 1966 01:23:58,118 --> 01:23:59,911 I was in my mid-50s. 1967 01:24:00,829 --> 01:24:03,706 They were in 20s. They used to call me Father Time. 1968 01:24:03,790 --> 01:24:06,501 Okay, okay. I know that. 1969 01:24:06,584 --> 01:24:09,921 And I... I really appreciate everything you did for me. 1970 01:24:10,213 --> 01:24:13,133 But can we talk about this another time? 1971 01:24:13,341 --> 01:24:16,302 Kumi, if you don't want to be a lawyer, fine. 1972 01:24:16,594 --> 01:24:18,930 If you want to do the stand-up comedy 1973 01:24:19,013 --> 01:24:21,766 and embarrass us as a family, fine. 1974 01:24:22,142 --> 01:24:23,410 (Sobbing) There is only one thing 1975 01:24:23,434 --> 01:24:25,478 that we have ever asked for you, Kumi, 1976 01:24:26,020 --> 01:24:27,480 that you be a good Muslim 1977 01:24:27,564 --> 01:24:29,315 and you marry a Pakistani girl! 1978 01:24:29,399 --> 01:24:31,276 That is it! One thing! 1979 01:24:32,986 --> 01:24:34,237 Can I ask you something? 1980 01:24:34,487 --> 01:24:36,197 Something that has never made sense to me. 1981 01:24:36,281 --> 01:24:37,991 Why did you bring me here if you wanted me 1982 01:24:38,074 --> 01:24:39,659 to not have an American life? 1983 01:24:39,951 --> 01:24:42,537 We come here, but we pretend like we're still back there. 1984 01:24:43,454 --> 01:24:44,497 That's so stupid. 1985 01:24:44,581 --> 01:24:46,141 Don't you talk to your mother like that. 1986 01:24:46,166 --> 01:24:47,286 You don't care what I think. 1987 01:24:47,333 --> 01:24:49,085 You just want me to follow the rules. 1988 01:24:49,377 --> 01:24:52,213 But the r... the rules don't make sense to me. 1989 01:24:57,177 --> 01:24:58,553 I don't pray. 1990 01:24:59,554 --> 01:25:00,722 I don't. 1991 01:25:00,972 --> 01:25:02,849 I haven't prayed in years. 1992 01:25:04,142 --> 01:25:05,685 I just go down there, 1993 01:25:06,060 --> 01:25:07,353 and I play video games. 1994 01:25:07,645 --> 01:25:08,771 You don't believe in Allah? 1995 01:25:08,855 --> 01:25:10,523 I don't know what I believe, Dad. 1996 01:25:10,607 --> 01:25:11,900 I don't know. 1997 01:25:15,069 --> 01:25:17,197 And I can't marry someone you find for me. 1998 01:25:17,947 --> 01:25:19,324 And why not? 1999 01:25:21,326 --> 01:25:23,161 Because I am in love with someone. 2000 01:25:24,704 --> 01:25:25,704 I am. 2001 01:25:25,997 --> 01:25:27,373 Her name is Emily. 2002 01:25:27,665 --> 01:25:29,625 (Voice breaking) And she's gonna be a therapist. 2003 01:25:29,876 --> 01:25:32,128 And right now she's very sick. 2004 01:25:32,212 --> 01:25:33,713 But I couldn't tell you that. 2005 01:25:34,088 --> 01:25:37,133 It makes me so sad that I couldn't tell you any of that. 2006 01:25:40,136 --> 01:25:43,097 I really appreciate everything you've done for me. 2007 01:25:43,181 --> 01:25:46,017 I truly, truly, truly do. I really do. 2008 01:25:46,684 --> 01:25:49,270 And I know Islam has been really good for you, 2009 01:25:49,354 --> 01:25:50,772 and it has made you good people. 2010 01:25:51,481 --> 01:25:53,691 But I don't know what I believe. 2011 01:25:55,860 --> 01:25:57,487 I just need to figure it out on my own. 2012 01:25:58,613 --> 01:26:00,198 You're not my son. 2013 01:26:02,575 --> 01:26:04,702 AZMAT : Kumail. You're being selfish, 2014 01:26:04,827 --> 01:26:06,412 you're not thinking about us. 2015 01:26:06,871 --> 01:26:08,515 You're not thinking about Khadija, in fact, 2016 01:26:08,539 --> 01:26:09,642 you're not even thinking about 2017 01:26:09,666 --> 01:26:11,042 that girl you are in love with. 2018 01:26:11,626 --> 01:26:14,087 You think American dream is doing just about 2019 01:26:14,170 --> 01:26:16,673 whatever you want and not thinking about other people? 2020 01:26:16,756 --> 01:26:17,756 You're wrong! 2021 01:26:18,299 --> 01:26:20,218 You are wrong! 2022 01:26:25,223 --> 01:26:26,951 - (Door opens) - SHARMEEN : Excuse us, please. 2023 01:26:26,975 --> 01:26:28,017 CHRIS : Sorry. 2024 01:26:28,101 --> 01:26:29,421 AZMAT : What's wrong with you, man? 2025 01:26:30,311 --> 01:26:31,854 - CHRIS Hey. - Hey. 2026 01:26:32,146 --> 01:26:34,232 I, uh, never went to the store. 2027 01:26:34,315 --> 01:26:36,651 I was just listening at the door. 2028 01:26:39,070 --> 01:26:42,490 Hey... My mom kicked me out for dealing weed at 16, 2029 01:26:42,573 --> 01:26:43,908 so I get it, man. 2030 01:26:46,661 --> 01:26:48,264 ("Leave Tomorrow" by Chuck Kirkpatrick playing) 2031 01:26:48,288 --> 01:26:51,124 - (Phone ringing) - (Indistinct chattering) 2032 01:26:57,213 --> 01:26:58,756 TERRY : Hey. KUMAIL : Hey, um, so, 2033 01:26:58,840 --> 01:27:00,526 wh... when are we gonna talk to Beth about this thing 2034 01:27:00,550 --> 01:27:01,777 - that we talked about? - We... we... we... 2035 01:27:01,801 --> 01:27:03,136 We're gonna move her, 2036 01:27:03,219 --> 01:27:04,345 is what we're gonna do. 2037 01:27:04,929 --> 01:27:05,929 What? 2038 01:27:06,764 --> 01:27:08,200 - What? We're gonna move her. - What you... 2039 01:27:08,224 --> 01:27:09,475 What are you talking about? 2040 01:27:09,559 --> 01:27:10,560 You fucking caved? 2041 01:27:10,810 --> 01:27:11,912 - I didn't cave. - You fucking caved? 2042 01:27:11,936 --> 01:27:13,580 - I don't cave, okay? - Okay, okay, okay, okay. 2043 01:27:13,604 --> 01:27:15,165 I know you don't, you don't cave, you don't cave, 2044 01:27:15,189 --> 01:27:16,190 you're great. (Stammers) 2045 01:27:16,274 --> 01:27:17,334 But we talked about this last night, 2046 01:27:17,358 --> 01:27:18,669 - and we decided... - I know. I know. 2047 01:27:18,693 --> 01:27:19,753 ...that it wasn't gonna be a good... 2048 01:27:19,777 --> 01:27:20,879 - We're moving her. - No. What? 2049 01:27:20,903 --> 01:27:21,964 - Yeah. - I... I told you what 2050 01:27:21,988 --> 01:27:23,048 - the nurse said. - She's right. 2051 01:27:23,072 --> 01:27:24,925 Hey, Beth, um, the nurse told me that moving Emily 2052 01:27:24,949 --> 01:27:25,950 could be a very bad idea. 2053 01:27:26,034 --> 01:27:27,886 Well, Northwestern told us it could be very good. 2054 01:27:27,910 --> 01:27:29,596 Well, they don't see her, this nurse sees her, 2055 01:27:29,620 --> 01:27:31,015 and she told me herself. She said... 2056 01:27:31,039 --> 01:27:32,433 That's okay, Kumail, they don't need to see her. 2057 01:27:32,457 --> 01:27:34,083 No, it's not okay! There. 2058 01:27:34,625 --> 01:27:35,835 - TERRY : That's... - I got it. 2059 01:27:36,252 --> 01:27:38,046 That's a map of the garage. 2060 01:27:39,756 --> 01:27:40,756 KUMAIL : Don't... 2061 01:27:40,882 --> 01:27:42,467 Wait, wait, wait. 2062 01:27:42,550 --> 01:27:44,093 You want to be responsible? 2063 01:27:44,218 --> 01:27:45,218 Huh? 2064 01:27:46,679 --> 01:27:47,972 She could die! 2065 01:27:48,264 --> 01:27:49,264 BETH : Kumail, 2066 01:27:49,474 --> 01:27:51,684 we're responsible for her no matter what. 2067 01:27:53,186 --> 01:27:54,479 We're her parents. 2068 01:27:55,063 --> 01:27:56,731 Now, I'm sorry, we're moving her. 2069 01:28:07,200 --> 01:28:08,594 MAN ON SPEAKER: Welcome to Quick 'n Hot. 2070 01:28:08,618 --> 01:28:10,119 Can I take your order, please? 2071 01:28:10,203 --> 01:28:13,498 Yeah, um, can I get a burger with four slices of cheese? 2072 01:28:13,998 --> 01:28:15,500 Four burgers. Anything else, sir? 2073 01:28:15,583 --> 01:28:18,127 No, one burger with four slices of cheese. 2074 01:28:22,006 --> 01:28:23,257 One burger with four slice... 2075 01:28:23,341 --> 01:28:25,551 I'm sorry, we can't do that. 2076 01:28:25,635 --> 01:28:29,222 Just put four slices of cheese on a burger. 2077 01:28:29,305 --> 01:28:30,783 We can't do that. There's no button... 2078 01:28:30,807 --> 01:28:32,392 Who the fuck is this "we," man? 2079 01:28:32,475 --> 01:28:34,727 Who the fuck is this "we"? It's me and you! 2080 01:28:34,811 --> 01:28:37,271 We're just people! Fucking listen to me! 2081 01:28:37,355 --> 01:28:38,731 Fuck this corporate entity! 2082 01:28:38,815 --> 01:28:43,945 Put four slices of cheese on the fucking burger! 2083 01:28:46,489 --> 01:28:48,324 - We can't do that. - What the fuck? 2084 01:28:48,408 --> 01:28:50,451 You fucking idiot! Hey! 2085 01:28:51,119 --> 01:28:52,537 Hey, look at me, look at me. 2086 01:28:52,620 --> 01:28:55,123 'Cause I'm a human being, you are a human being. Look at me! 2087 01:28:55,206 --> 01:28:57,250 Look me in the eyes when you fuck me! 2088 01:28:57,333 --> 01:28:59,419 Look at me! Please! 2089 01:29:00,002 --> 01:29:01,129 Today's my first day. 2090 01:29:01,212 --> 01:29:02,505 Fuck you! 2091 01:29:04,549 --> 01:29:07,760 (Objects clattering) 2092 01:29:12,890 --> 01:29:15,184 I'll just ring you up for four burgers. 2093 01:29:16,102 --> 01:29:18,146 (Register beeping) 2094 01:29:18,229 --> 01:29:19,313 KUMAIL : I'm sorry. 2095 01:29:19,397 --> 01:29:21,649 MAN : Do you want any fries or drink with that? 2096 01:29:22,191 --> 01:29:24,402 (Country music playing) 2097 01:29:24,485 --> 01:29:26,028 KUMAIL : I'll take four fries. 2098 01:29:27,363 --> 01:29:28,614 I'm sorry. 2099 01:29:30,658 --> 01:29:32,743 ("My World" by Jimmie Gray playing) 2100 01:29:34,662 --> 01:29:35,872 (Cell phone chimes) 2101 01:29:42,795 --> 01:29:44,005 Fuck! 2102 01:29:47,967 --> 01:29:49,093 (Engine starts) 2103 01:29:51,429 --> 01:29:52,489 MARY :...your life dramatically. 2104 01:29:52,513 --> 01:29:53,681 (Audience laughs) 2105 01:29:53,764 --> 01:29:56,476 Um, so then I started keeping this journal. 2106 01:29:56,559 --> 01:29:58,644 And the journal is, like, you know, 2107 01:29:58,728 --> 01:30:02,440 me overcompensating and trying to act like 2108 01:30:02,523 --> 01:30:05,485 I'm living this, like, cool, rock-and-roll lifestyle. 2109 01:30:05,568 --> 01:30:06,486 (Mary chuckles) 2110 01:30:06,569 --> 01:30:08,779 When, in reality, I'm in third grade, 2111 01:30:09,030 --> 01:30:10,156 crying all the time. 2112 01:30:10,281 --> 01:30:12,408 CHRIS : Hey, man, Montreal Finals. You ready? 2113 01:30:13,367 --> 01:30:15,536 Oh, wait, are you getting all, like, dark and moody 2114 01:30:15,620 --> 01:30:16,787 before your set? 2115 01:30:16,954 --> 01:30:19,790 Yeah, punish yourself like a nasty, little baby. 2116 01:30:19,874 --> 01:30:22,543 Okay, okay, I am not in the mood, okay, Chris? 2117 01:30:22,710 --> 01:30:24,253 I'll get you in the mood. 2118 01:30:24,378 --> 01:30:26,714 - CJ : You all right? - I'll get you all in the mood! 2119 01:30:26,797 --> 01:30:28,758 Why is everybody saying the same fucking thing? 2120 01:30:28,841 --> 01:30:30,068 - Yeah, I decide... - Dude, are you all right? 2121 01:30:30,092 --> 01:30:31,135 Yeah, I'm doing great. 2122 01:30:31,219 --> 01:30:33,179 Okay, all right, dude, I'm just checking on you. 2123 01:30:33,679 --> 01:30:35,932 MARY : It would have stuff, like, you know, like, 2124 01:30:36,015 --> 01:30:37,558 an in-unit washer and dryer... 2125 01:30:37,642 --> 01:30:38,935 (DODD coughs) 2126 01:30:39,519 --> 01:30:40,770 The fuck have you been, man? 2127 01:30:41,229 --> 01:30:43,022 - You're on next. - Okay, okay. 2128 01:30:43,147 --> 01:30:44,524 (The X-Files theme playing) 2129 01:30:44,607 --> 01:30:46,275 MARY : Thank you, guys. I love you. 2130 01:30:46,359 --> 01:30:48,152 (Audience cheering and applauding) 2131 01:30:48,778 --> 01:30:49,904 Hello? 2132 01:30:49,987 --> 01:30:51,531 TERRY : Kumail, is that you? 2133 01:30:51,614 --> 01:30:53,199 - Yeah. - It's Terry. 2134 01:30:53,533 --> 01:30:55,451 Uh, listen, we're not moving her. 2135 01:30:56,035 --> 01:30:57,286 The doctor, they said... 2136 01:30:57,370 --> 01:30:59,163 (High-pitched ringing) 2137 01:31:00,414 --> 01:31:03,042 (Ringing fades) 2138 01:31:03,125 --> 01:31:06,087 (Audience cheering) 2139 01:31:14,136 --> 01:31:15,155 Have you guys heard of this 2140 01:31:15,179 --> 01:31:16,931 new drug cocktail called cheese? 2141 01:31:18,140 --> 01:31:20,685 Like, that's the name of it, it's called cheese. 2142 01:31:20,977 --> 01:31:23,938 Um... I saw all these news reports, and they were like, 2143 01:31:24,021 --> 01:31:25,815 "There's a new drug, it's called cheese. 2144 01:31:26,440 --> 01:31:27,900 "Everyone's doing it in the Midwest. 2145 01:31:27,984 --> 01:31:29,026 "Kids are doing it." 2146 01:31:36,701 --> 01:31:38,619 It's just really hard to do stand-up comedy 2147 01:31:38,703 --> 01:31:40,204 when your girlfriend is in a coma. 2148 01:31:40,580 --> 01:31:41,872 (Scattered laughter) 2149 01:31:42,790 --> 01:31:43,916 Uh... 2150 01:31:44,166 --> 01:31:47,003 Not quite sure what part you were laughing at. 2151 01:31:49,797 --> 01:31:51,191 They say she's fighting, but she doesn't look like 2152 01:31:51,215 --> 01:31:53,050 she's fighting, she looks like she's just... 2153 01:31:53,593 --> 01:31:55,113 She looks like she's just laying there. 2154 01:31:55,469 --> 01:31:57,054 (Breathing heavily] 2155 01:31:57,179 --> 01:32:00,558 I said horrible things to her, and, um, 2156 01:32:00,766 --> 01:32:03,519 I said horrible things to her, I h... I hurt her. 2157 01:32:03,978 --> 01:32:05,229 Um... 2158 01:32:06,022 --> 01:32:07,398 She loves birds. 2159 01:32:07,481 --> 01:32:09,084 Like, she gets excited every time she sees a bird. 2160 01:32:09,108 --> 01:32:10,276 She's like, 2161 01:32:10,359 --> 01:32:11,652 "Look at this, it's a bird." 2162 01:32:11,736 --> 01:32:14,447 I'm always like, "Yeah, they're all over the place. 2163 01:32:14,530 --> 01:32:15,656 "They're birds." 2164 01:32:15,740 --> 01:32:17,033 But she, like... 2165 01:32:17,116 --> 01:32:18,534 She likes that bird, you know? 2166 01:32:18,618 --> 01:32:20,494 Every bird she sees, she sees it. 2167 01:32:24,957 --> 01:32:26,417 Her dad just called 2168 01:32:26,500 --> 01:32:29,045 and said that they can't transfer her 2169 01:32:31,172 --> 01:32:33,591 because the infection has reached her heart. 2170 01:32:36,093 --> 01:32:37,261 Uh... 2171 01:32:39,472 --> 01:32:40,472 Which... 2172 01:32:40,556 --> 01:32:42,600 Which means she... 2173 01:32:42,683 --> 01:32:43,768 (Sniffles) 2174 01:32:45,353 --> 01:32:47,104 Which means she could die. 2175 01:32:54,153 --> 01:32:56,614 I don't know if you can hear me or not, but... 2176 01:32:59,617 --> 01:33:03,496 ...it would be really good if you pulled through. 2177 01:33:05,664 --> 01:33:08,709 If you have to go, you can go, but... 2178 01:33:10,086 --> 01:33:11,962 It would be really great if you stayed. 2179 01:33:13,130 --> 01:33:14,173 Uh... 2180 01:33:14,423 --> 01:33:18,135 And I'm really sorry for what I did, okay? 2181 01:33:18,344 --> 01:33:20,471 (Continues indistinctly) 2182 01:33:29,730 --> 01:33:31,816 (Cell phone chimes) 2183 01:33:51,085 --> 01:33:53,254 WOMAN ON PA : Dr. Singh, to the pharmacy. 2184 01:33:53,337 --> 01:33:55,548 Dr. Singh, to the pharmacy. 2185 01:34:00,261 --> 01:34:02,930 (Beth laughing) 2186 01:34:03,013 --> 01:34:05,141 (Indistinct conversation) 2187 01:34:15,693 --> 01:34:17,570 - (Laughs) - EMILY : Mom. 2188 01:34:17,862 --> 01:34:20,406 You're getting your tears all over me. 2189 01:34:20,781 --> 01:34:22,908 When am I gonna be able to feel my face? 2190 01:34:22,992 --> 01:34:24,192 - (Beth laughs) - TERRY : Hmm. 2191 01:34:24,243 --> 01:34:25,963 Hey, you gave us quite a scare there, scout. 2192 01:34:25,995 --> 01:34:27,371 - Really. - EMILY : Scout? 2193 01:34:27,455 --> 01:34:29,057 TERRY : Come on, I call you that all the time. 2194 01:34:29,081 --> 01:34:30,416 No, not since 2195 01:34:30,499 --> 01:34:31,726 - I was a grown-up. - TERRY : Yes, I do. 2196 01:34:31,750 --> 01:34:33,061 I've been calling you that my whole life. 2197 01:34:33,085 --> 01:34:35,171 - (Slurps) - BETH : Oh, oh, oh, oh! 2198 01:34:35,504 --> 01:34:36,881 - (Laughing) Oh. - (Coughs) 2199 01:34:36,964 --> 01:34:38,424 - Sorry, hon. - What's happening? 2200 01:34:38,549 --> 01:34:40,926 - You okay? You all right? - What is that crap? 2201 01:34:41,010 --> 01:34:42,803 We have to thicken your liquids for a bit. 2202 01:34:42,887 --> 01:34:45,431 Your esophagus isn't strong enough to swallow yet. 2203 01:34:45,764 --> 01:34:46,908 - That shit tastes like semen. - (Laughs) 2204 01:34:46,932 --> 01:34:47,975 TERRY : That's nice 2205 01:34:48,058 --> 01:34:49,578 - for a father to hear. - CUNNINGHAM : She won't have 2206 01:34:49,602 --> 01:34:50,829 any social inhibitions until the... 2207 01:34:50,853 --> 01:34:51,937 The anesthetic wears off. 2208 01:34:52,021 --> 01:34:53,206 Seriously, Mom, you should try this. 2209 01:34:53,230 --> 01:34:55,083 - No, wait a minute, honey. - TERRY : Stop saying that. 2210 01:34:55,107 --> 01:34:56,209 - Not the cup. - TERRY : Oh, come on, 2211 01:34:56,233 --> 01:34:57,318 come on, come on. 2212 01:34:58,068 --> 01:35:00,696 They'll charge us $48 for it, don't worry about it. 2213 01:35:02,698 --> 01:35:03,824 Why are you here? 2214 01:35:03,949 --> 01:35:06,094 (Chuckles) I... I haven't heard her voice in a while. 2215 01:35:06,118 --> 01:35:07,828 He's been... He's been here the whole time. 2216 01:35:08,329 --> 01:35:10,748 Could I speak with you both outside? 2217 01:35:10,831 --> 01:35:11,831 TERRY : Yeah. 2218 01:35:12,458 --> 01:35:14,102 - We'll be right back. - Yeah, we'll be right outside. 2219 01:35:14,126 --> 01:35:15,211 EMILY : All right. 2220 01:35:21,759 --> 01:35:23,594 - (Chuckles) Hey. - (Door closes) 2221 01:35:23,677 --> 01:35:25,095 Emily has a rare condition 2222 01:35:25,179 --> 01:35:27,640 called adult-onset Still's disease. 2223 01:35:28,057 --> 01:35:30,434 Kumail mentioned Emily's hurt ankle, 2224 01:35:30,684 --> 01:35:32,561 and the swelling still hadn't gone down 2225 01:35:32,645 --> 01:35:34,271 even after several days in bed, 2226 01:35:34,396 --> 01:35:35,731 - which is strange. - BETH : Mmm. 2227 01:35:35,814 --> 01:35:38,943 Still's disease is when the body thinks healthy tissue 2228 01:35:39,026 --> 01:35:41,654 is an infection, so it tries to fight it. 2229 01:35:41,737 --> 01:35:42,988 - Uh-huh. - It's like a big 2230 01:35:43,155 --> 01:35:44,949 biological misunderstanding. 2231 01:35:45,074 --> 01:35:46,283 - Yeah, yeah. - So, 2232 01:35:46,367 --> 01:35:48,160 we gave her anti-inflammatories, 2233 01:35:48,244 --> 01:35:49,828 and she stabilized within hours. 2234 01:35:49,912 --> 01:35:51,956 She's gonna take time to recover, 2235 01:35:52,039 --> 01:35:53,666 but she'll be fine. 2236 01:35:53,916 --> 01:35:56,001 - Wow. - Full recovery. 2237 01:35:57,169 --> 01:35:58,629 What are you doing here? 2238 01:35:59,338 --> 01:36:00,778 I was visiting someone down the hall, 2239 01:36:00,839 --> 01:36:02,108 and I was, like, I'll just pop in 2240 01:36:02,132 --> 01:36:03,801 - and say hi to Emily. - Oh. 2241 01:36:03,884 --> 01:36:06,428 No, I'm joking. I'm here for you. 2242 01:36:07,054 --> 01:36:09,890 You're an asshole, and I don't like you. 2243 01:36:10,140 --> 01:36:12,476 (Chuckles) I'm not an asshole. I'm really not. 2244 01:36:12,560 --> 01:36:13,936 Oh, no, you're an asshole. 2245 01:36:14,019 --> 01:36:15,038 You have a lot of drugs in you, 2246 01:36:15,062 --> 01:36:16,730 so you're, like, not thinking as clearly. 2247 01:36:16,814 --> 01:36:19,650 No, dawg, I'm not joking. 2248 01:36:20,025 --> 01:36:21,610 You're not funny to me. 2249 01:36:22,236 --> 01:36:23,571 You just make me sad. 2250 01:36:23,946 --> 01:36:26,073 You make me sad inside of my heart, 2251 01:36:26,156 --> 01:36:27,825 and it makes me sad to look at you. 2252 01:36:28,784 --> 01:36:31,328 So, I think you should probably go. 2253 01:36:32,788 --> 01:36:35,249 Just go, and tell my mom I want her. 2254 01:36:38,669 --> 01:36:40,671 Will you please get my mom? 2255 01:36:44,508 --> 01:36:47,011 BETH : I'm so sorry about that. TERRY : Yeah, it's fine. Yeah. 2256 01:36:48,262 --> 01:36:49,972 Um, Emily wants to see you. 2257 01:36:50,055 --> 01:36:51,056 BETH : Oh. 2258 01:36:53,601 --> 01:36:55,185 Um, I'm gonna head out. 2259 01:36:55,728 --> 01:36:57,187 I don't think I should be here. 2260 01:36:58,522 --> 01:37:00,274 Ah, Kumail, here's the thing. 2261 01:37:01,025 --> 01:37:03,068 Your living condition, it's, uh... 2262 01:37:03,402 --> 01:37:04,903 It's a potential health risk. 2263 01:37:06,488 --> 01:37:08,449 And you're not that funny. 2264 01:37:09,408 --> 01:37:13,537 But you're probably not suited to do anything else either, 2265 01:37:13,621 --> 01:37:14,913 so that's troublesome. 2266 01:37:14,997 --> 01:37:16,558 You really made it sound like you were gonna 2267 01:37:16,582 --> 01:37:18,834 say something positive there. (Chuckles) 2268 01:37:18,917 --> 01:37:20,628 Yeah, I guess I did, didn't I? 2269 01:37:21,295 --> 01:37:22,963 Well, you know... 2270 01:37:24,840 --> 01:37:26,175 You know I know the good stuff. 2271 01:37:26,258 --> 01:37:27,444 - (Laughs) - I know the good stuff. 2272 01:37:27,468 --> 01:37:28,844 I don't know, so you know... 2273 01:37:28,927 --> 01:37:30,429 You know how I feel. I got to... 2274 01:37:31,555 --> 01:37:32,806 - I got to get in. - Yeah. 2275 01:37:33,641 --> 01:37:34,683 (Door closes) 2276 01:37:35,059 --> 01:37:36,393 (Indistinct conversation) 2277 01:37:36,477 --> 01:37:38,145 TERRY : What'd I miss? What'd I miss? 2278 01:37:38,228 --> 01:37:40,439 BETH : Brick on top of the grilled cheese and... 2279 01:37:40,522 --> 01:37:41,607 TERRY : Yeah. 2280 01:37:41,690 --> 01:37:43,233 EMILY : Yeah, I want that. 2281 01:37:43,400 --> 01:37:45,277 - Be right back. - Bacon or something... 2282 01:37:47,446 --> 01:37:49,406 - Hey. - Hey. 2283 01:37:50,282 --> 01:37:52,242 So you're gonna hang around Chicago for a while? 2284 01:37:52,326 --> 01:37:53,326 Yeah. 2285 01:37:53,369 --> 01:37:55,454 - She's got physical therapy. - Oh. 2286 01:37:56,205 --> 01:37:58,499 (Laughing) Did you ever think you'd be excited 2287 01:37:58,582 --> 01:38:00,918 to have your daughter go through physical therapy? 2288 01:38:02,628 --> 01:38:04,064 It's so strange that we could go through 2289 01:38:04,088 --> 01:38:05,839 one of the most intense experiences 2290 01:38:05,923 --> 01:38:07,675 of our lives together and just... 2291 01:38:09,009 --> 01:38:10,928 Just never see each other again. 2292 01:38:11,762 --> 01:38:12,930 Maybe. 2293 01:38:16,975 --> 01:38:18,394 But I hope not. 2294 01:38:28,153 --> 01:38:29,655 (Door closes) 2295 01:38:32,324 --> 01:38:33,964 ...threw a bird at you, and then ran away, 2296 01:38:33,992 --> 01:38:35,202 and you're like, "Oh, crap! 2297 01:38:35,285 --> 01:38:36,412 "I own a bird now!" 2298 01:38:36,870 --> 01:38:38,706 MARY : Hi, little sad man. 2299 01:38:38,789 --> 01:38:39,909 - Mopey boy. - (Both laugh) 2300 01:38:39,957 --> 01:38:40,833 Hey. 2301 01:38:40,916 --> 01:38:42,076 We have something to tell you. 2302 01:38:42,126 --> 01:38:43,460 CJ : Yes. Tell him. 2303 01:38:43,544 --> 01:38:45,421 - We're moving to New York. - New York. 2304 01:38:45,504 --> 01:38:46,630 - What? - MARY : Mm-hmm. 2305 01:38:46,714 --> 01:38:48,382 And we want you to come with us. 2306 01:38:48,465 --> 01:38:49,717 Are you serious? 2307 01:38:49,800 --> 01:38:51,802 CJ : You got to do it. It's gonna suck at first, 2308 01:38:51,885 --> 01:38:53,113 but we're gonna have each other, 2309 01:38:53,137 --> 01:38:54,572 and maybe we'll eventually get paid to write jokes. 2310 01:38:54,596 --> 01:38:55,657 - MARY : Mm-hmm. - It's gonna be the best. 2311 01:38:55,681 --> 01:38:56,557 Come on, dude. 2312 01:38:56,640 --> 01:38:57,640 You have to come. 2313 01:38:58,100 --> 01:39:00,352 I know you did not get Montreal, 2314 01:39:00,436 --> 01:39:02,354 and that is only because 2315 01:39:02,438 --> 01:39:04,440 you did one of the worst sets I've ever seen 2316 01:39:04,523 --> 01:39:06,108 in my goddamn life. 2317 01:39:06,316 --> 01:39:07,693 - Yeah. - CJ : It was nonsense. 2318 01:39:07,776 --> 01:39:09,069 MARY : A living disgrace. 2319 01:39:09,153 --> 01:39:11,905 I would call it shit, but I would be worried 2320 01:39:11,989 --> 01:39:14,074 that I'd be insulting actual shit. 2321 01:39:14,199 --> 01:39:16,994 Yeah, it was so bone-chilling to me, 2322 01:39:17,077 --> 01:39:19,496 I thought a ghost had passed right through me. 2323 01:39:19,580 --> 01:39:20,640 We don't have to keep going over 2324 01:39:20,664 --> 01:39:21,749 how bad the set was. 2325 01:39:21,832 --> 01:39:22,916 I saw their faces 2326 01:39:23,000 --> 01:39:24,251 and the noises they didn't make. 2327 01:39:24,376 --> 01:39:26,146 - I felt one of my eggs die. - (Kumail laughs) 2328 01:39:26,170 --> 01:39:27,689 Doesn't that happen, like, every month? 2329 01:39:27,713 --> 01:39:29,339 It happens every month, Kumail, 2330 01:39:29,423 --> 01:39:31,258 but I don't always feel it and go... 2331 01:39:31,341 --> 01:39:32,885 (Groaning) 2332 01:39:33,010 --> 01:39:35,846 - (Chuckles) - (Groaning) 2333 01:39:36,138 --> 01:39:37,282 And that's what you made me do. 2334 01:39:37,306 --> 01:39:38,599 - Yeah. - I... 2335 01:39:38,682 --> 01:39:41,727 I'm packing my things up, and I'm moving to New York, 2336 01:39:41,810 --> 01:39:44,271 and guess what, baby. You're coming with me. 2337 01:39:44,563 --> 01:39:45,606 What about Chris? 2338 01:39:45,689 --> 01:39:46,750 Have you ever seen a pigeon 2339 01:39:46,774 --> 01:39:48,317 try and pick up another pigeon? 2340 01:39:48,734 --> 01:39:50,068 MARY : He will be fine. 2341 01:39:50,152 --> 01:39:52,780 There's not enough room in the car, probably. 2342 01:39:52,863 --> 01:39:54,281 We leave in a week. All right? 2343 01:39:54,615 --> 01:39:56,655 And I already called shotgun, Chicago to Pittsburgh. 2344 01:39:56,700 --> 01:39:57,701 Do not fuck this up. 2345 01:39:57,826 --> 01:39:59,203 Your destiny awaits. 2346 01:39:59,286 --> 01:40:00,930 CJ : This'll be the biggest move of your life, 2347 01:40:00,954 --> 01:40:02,873 other than the one from Pakistan. 2348 01:40:02,956 --> 01:40:05,000 - KUMAIL : Yeah. - (Audience laughing) 2349 01:40:05,083 --> 01:40:07,145 EMILY : I didn't have any kind of epiphany or anything... 2350 01:40:07,169 --> 01:40:09,213 Hey, clink, clink, clink, clink, clink. 2351 01:40:09,296 --> 01:40:10,047 (Chuckles) 2352 01:40:10,130 --> 01:40:12,341 Hey, everybody. Thank you for, uh, for coming. 2353 01:40:12,424 --> 01:40:14,051 I just want to say a couple, uh... 2354 01:40:14,176 --> 01:40:15,385 A couple of words here. 2355 01:40:15,469 --> 01:40:17,429 Mom, why is Kumail here? 2356 01:40:18,305 --> 01:40:20,307 'Cause he was there the whole time, you know. 2357 01:40:20,766 --> 01:40:23,685 I invited the nurses, I invited him. 2358 01:40:24,353 --> 01:40:25,813 TERRY : And, um, for... 2359 01:40:25,896 --> 01:40:27,481 Emily, come on up, come on up here. 2360 01:40:27,564 --> 01:40:28,607 I want to say something. 2361 01:40:28,690 --> 01:40:29,959 - I want to say something. - Dad. 2362 01:40:29,983 --> 01:40:31,169 TERRY : Talk amongst yourselves. 2363 01:40:31,193 --> 01:40:33,862 - This might take a... - (People laughing) 2364 01:40:33,946 --> 01:40:36,615 Emily successfully peeled an orange this morning. 2365 01:40:36,698 --> 01:40:38,242 - Dad! - (Chuckles) Yeah. 2366 01:40:38,325 --> 01:40:40,327 It was... It was a clementine. 2367 01:40:40,410 --> 01:40:42,204 Full disclosure, a clementine. 2368 01:40:42,287 --> 01:40:44,081 It's those little ones that, you know, 2369 01:40:44,373 --> 01:40:46,500 - a baby monkey could peel it. - (All laugh) 2370 01:40:46,583 --> 01:40:48,293 But, uh, but she did it. 2371 01:40:48,585 --> 01:40:50,629 And... And, yeah, so that's all. We just... 2372 01:40:50,712 --> 01:40:52,965 Thank you, everybody. Hey... 2373 01:40:53,048 --> 01:40:55,467 ("Good Woman" by Maker playing) 2374 01:40:56,218 --> 01:40:57,302 Hi. 2375 01:40:58,720 --> 01:41:00,138 I like your cane. 2376 01:41:01,181 --> 01:41:04,059 - I heard pimpin' ain't easy. - Right. 2377 01:41:04,768 --> 01:41:06,520 Hey, could we talk for a second? 2378 01:41:06,603 --> 01:41:07,771 EMILY : Sure. 2379 01:41:12,860 --> 01:41:14,903 So I've been collecting some things, uh, 2380 01:41:14,987 --> 01:41:16,196 that are important to me, 2381 01:41:16,280 --> 01:41:17,823 and I wanted to show them to you. 2382 01:41:18,866 --> 01:41:20,784 I call this my bag of devotion. 2383 01:41:23,203 --> 01:41:28,333 Uh, so this is, uh, all the visitor passes 2384 01:41:28,417 --> 01:41:30,878 from when I visited you when you were in the... 2385 01:41:31,044 --> 01:41:32,212 um... 2386 01:41:40,178 --> 01:41:42,931 So... these are the tickets 2387 01:41:43,015 --> 01:41:45,726 from when your parents came to see me perform, 2388 01:41:46,184 --> 01:41:49,688 and, uh, I... I realized how great they are, 2389 01:41:49,980 --> 01:41:53,400 and how great you are, 2390 01:41:53,692 --> 01:41:56,028 and how great honesty is. 2391 01:41:59,531 --> 01:42:00,699 What did you do? 2392 01:42:00,866 --> 01:42:02,701 Did you cremate someone? 2393 01:42:02,826 --> 01:42:06,038 These are the ashes of all the Pakistani women... 2394 01:42:06,872 --> 01:42:07,956 Not the women... 2395 01:42:08,165 --> 01:42:10,542 The pictures of the Pakistani women. 2396 01:42:11,168 --> 01:42:14,421 I thought this was a good idea, and it feels kind of... 2397 01:42:14,922 --> 01:42:16,298 It feels a little stupid. 2398 01:42:25,641 --> 01:42:27,768 I know I was a terrible boyfriend, 2399 01:42:29,645 --> 01:42:31,271 but I have changed. 2400 01:42:31,605 --> 01:42:33,482 And I am the person you need me to be. 2401 01:42:33,565 --> 01:42:34,733 I really am. 2402 01:42:35,108 --> 01:42:36,526 So... 2403 01:42:38,654 --> 01:42:40,155 Will you take me back? 2404 01:42:42,491 --> 01:42:44,618 Kumail, I'm really glad that you... 2405 01:42:45,994 --> 01:42:48,705 went through this experience, 2406 01:42:50,207 --> 01:42:51,625 but you have to understand that 2407 01:42:51,708 --> 01:42:53,794 that all happened when I was asleep. 2408 01:42:54,836 --> 01:42:57,839 Like, you felt one way a few weeks ago, 2409 01:42:57,923 --> 01:43:00,592 and now you're saying you feel the total opposite way, 2410 01:43:00,676 --> 01:43:01,945 and the only thing that's changed 2411 01:43:01,969 --> 01:43:03,261 is that I was in a coma. 2412 01:43:03,470 --> 01:43:05,263 Honestly, I... I... 2413 01:43:06,765 --> 01:43:08,809 I look at all of this, and I just think, 2414 01:43:08,892 --> 01:43:10,519 you know, I just can't do it again. 2415 01:43:10,936 --> 01:43:12,080 - And I can't... (Sniffles) - I... 2416 01:43:12,104 --> 01:43:15,983 I can't be the reason that you don't have a family. 2417 01:43:17,150 --> 01:43:19,194 (Sniffles) 2418 01:43:20,570 --> 01:43:22,364 It just feels totally different now. 2419 01:43:23,532 --> 01:43:25,367 And I can't do that again. 2420 01:43:27,828 --> 01:43:29,329 Do you understand? 2421 01:43:34,042 --> 01:43:35,210 - Okay. - Okay? 2422 01:43:35,293 --> 01:43:37,421 - Okay. - (Sniffles) 2423 01:43:59,151 --> 01:44:01,403 (Inaudible) 2424 01:44:40,150 --> 01:44:41,818 (Door closes) 2425 01:44:41,902 --> 01:44:44,696 (Indistinct conversations) 2426 01:44:45,530 --> 01:44:47,115 (Kumail sighs) 2427 01:44:47,991 --> 01:44:49,117 Sorry. 2428 01:44:49,743 --> 01:44:50,743 Ma. 2429 01:44:51,995 --> 01:44:52,829 Dad. 2430 01:44:52,913 --> 01:44:54,998 Fatima. Bhai. Kya haal hai? 2431 01:44:55,707 --> 01:44:57,167 Oh, there's no plate. 2432 01:45:01,088 --> 01:45:02,088 Oh. 2433 01:45:02,839 --> 01:45:05,050 Oh, I forgot, um, I've decided 2434 01:45:05,133 --> 01:45:07,052 I won't let you kick me out of the family. 2435 01:45:07,385 --> 01:45:09,096 Since I'm a member of the family, 2436 01:45:09,179 --> 01:45:10,990 it would stand to reason that I would get a vote 2437 01:45:11,014 --> 01:45:12,891 in whether or not I get kicked out, 2438 01:45:12,974 --> 01:45:15,143 and that vote would have to be unanimous, 2439 01:45:15,227 --> 01:45:16,686 standard parliamentary procedure. 2440 01:45:16,770 --> 01:45:19,898 So, all those in favor of not kicking Kumail 2441 01:45:19,981 --> 01:45:21,691 out of the family, raise your hand. 2442 01:45:24,277 --> 01:45:27,364 Great. Motion to kick Kumail out of the family denied. 2443 01:45:27,864 --> 01:45:29,616 So, you guys can just talk to me. 2444 01:45:31,785 --> 01:45:33,620 Okay, you're giving me the silent treatment. 2445 01:45:34,579 --> 01:45:36,998 I figured that was what was gonna happen. 2446 01:45:37,082 --> 01:45:38,500 I have a solution. 2447 01:45:38,583 --> 01:45:41,253 So, "Hi, how are you?" 2448 01:45:41,378 --> 01:45:43,296 That's just a real basic one. You know. 2449 01:45:44,548 --> 01:45:47,008 "Pass the salt." Practical. 2450 01:45:47,092 --> 01:45:48,426 (Kumail chuckles) 2451 01:45:48,593 --> 01:45:50,303 "Always with the comedy." 2452 01:45:50,387 --> 01:45:53,473 Mom, made that one specially for you. 2453 01:45:54,224 --> 01:45:57,394 "Kumail, how did you become so much more handsome 2454 01:45:57,477 --> 01:45:59,521 "than your brother NAVEED?" 2455 01:45:59,604 --> 01:46:00,981 Bullshit. (Bangs table) 2456 01:46:04,943 --> 01:46:06,778 I admit, this one is designed 2457 01:46:06,862 --> 01:46:08,446 to stir up some controversy. 2458 01:46:10,490 --> 01:46:12,033 "It's interesting how you can't really 2459 01:46:12,117 --> 01:46:13,994 "kick someone out of your family because 2460 01:46:14,119 --> 01:46:17,747 "they will always be your family." 2461 01:46:20,041 --> 01:46:22,210 I agree with that one. That's a good one. 2462 01:46:22,627 --> 01:46:26,590 So, I'm gonna leave these here for you. 2463 01:46:32,053 --> 01:46:33,847 I am sorry I lied about the girls 2464 01:46:33,930 --> 01:46:35,473 and the LSAT and all of that. 2465 01:46:35,557 --> 01:46:36,683 That was wrong. 2466 01:46:37,100 --> 01:46:38,393 And one more thing. 2467 01:46:38,518 --> 01:46:41,563 I'm moving to New York to pursue stand-up, 2468 01:46:42,564 --> 01:46:45,817 but I am not leaving this family. 2469 01:47:05,462 --> 01:47:09,132 My parents, um, they want me to get arrange married. 2470 01:47:09,299 --> 01:47:13,094 Or, as it's, uh, called in Pakistan, romance! 2471 01:47:13,178 --> 01:47:14,280 - (Laughs softly] - And earlier today, 2472 01:47:14,304 --> 01:47:15,656 I told them everything. I told them 2473 01:47:15,680 --> 01:47:18,558 about my life, I told them about Emily. 2474 01:47:19,392 --> 01:47:21,394 They kicked me out of the family. 2475 01:47:21,853 --> 01:47:23,396 I may never talk to them again. 2476 01:47:24,022 --> 01:47:25,702 - So, that happened. - (Knocking on door) 2477 01:47:26,233 --> 01:47:28,026 - EMILY : What is it? - BETH : Can I come in? 2478 01:47:29,110 --> 01:47:30,278 Okay. 2479 01:47:30,904 --> 01:47:31,988 I swear, you and Dad 2480 01:47:32,072 --> 01:47:33,657 are just like my freshman year roommate, 2481 01:47:33,740 --> 01:47:36,243 but instead of just, like, boning random dudes, 2482 01:47:36,326 --> 01:47:38,161 you're just parenting all the time. 2483 01:47:39,412 --> 01:47:42,457 All over the place. In every room of the house. 2484 01:47:43,500 --> 01:47:45,210 Including right next to me. 2485 01:47:48,797 --> 01:47:50,048 We got to go. 2486 01:47:51,007 --> 01:47:52,008 Home? 2487 01:47:52,300 --> 01:47:53,343 - No. - Yeah. 2488 01:47:53,510 --> 01:47:54,594 It's time. 2489 01:47:56,388 --> 01:47:57,806 I'm not ready. 2490 01:47:58,181 --> 01:47:59,224 Yeah, you know what? 2491 01:47:59,516 --> 01:48:00,725 You're strong. 2492 01:48:01,685 --> 01:48:02,852 And you are. 2493 01:48:06,773 --> 01:48:09,859 And we would go to the mosque and hear graphic details 2494 01:48:09,943 --> 01:48:12,487 of religious people being killed 1,400 years ago. 2495 01:48:12,570 --> 01:48:15,573 I mean, like, Tarantino-esque details. 2496 01:48:15,657 --> 01:48:17,218 - (Scattered laughter) - And everyone would be crying, 2497 01:48:17,242 --> 01:48:19,995 like, competing to see who could cry the hardest. 2498 01:48:20,120 --> 01:48:21,913 And I could never cry. 2499 01:48:22,122 --> 01:48:23,474 And I was like, what is wrong with me? 2500 01:48:23,498 --> 01:48:24,498 Am I broken? 2501 01:48:24,541 --> 01:48:26,001 The only time I've cried that much 2502 01:48:26,084 --> 01:48:28,169 is during the first 15 minutes of Up. 2503 01:48:28,461 --> 01:48:30,088 (Scattered laughter) 2504 01:48:30,422 --> 01:48:32,257 This is a picture of me and my mother. 2505 01:48:32,507 --> 01:48:33,925 I'm seven years old. 2506 01:48:34,217 --> 01:48:37,137 You know people, they talk about the... the New York water. 2507 01:48:37,429 --> 01:48:39,597 Chicago water is very underrated, I think. 2508 01:48:39,723 --> 01:48:40,723 It's good. 2509 01:48:40,765 --> 01:48:42,017 EMILY : Hey, guys. 2510 01:48:42,100 --> 01:48:44,644 I think I might just pop out for a bit. 2511 01:48:45,103 --> 01:48:46,438 What, by yourself? 2512 01:48:46,896 --> 01:48:49,149 Yeah, just hop around the block. 2513 01:48:49,399 --> 01:48:50,900 Maybe get some frozen yogurt. 2514 01:48:51,026 --> 01:48:52,319 TERRY : You okay? Can you do it? 2515 01:48:52,402 --> 01:48:53,903 Can you walk by yourself? 2516 01:48:53,987 --> 01:48:55,238 - Yeah, Dad. - All right. 2517 01:48:55,613 --> 01:48:56,613 Have fun. 2518 01:48:56,781 --> 01:48:58,992 If you feel a coma coming on, call us. 2519 01:48:59,242 --> 01:49:01,036 - Dad, it's too soon. - Right. 2520 01:49:01,119 --> 01:49:02,162 (Beth laughs) 2521 01:49:02,245 --> 01:49:03,639 I love you, I'll see you in the morning. 2522 01:49:03,663 --> 01:49:04,748 - Love you. - Bye. 2523 01:49:04,831 --> 01:49:05,707 Okay. Love you. Bye. 2524 01:49:05,790 --> 01:49:07,250 - BETH : Have fun. - I will. 2525 01:49:07,334 --> 01:49:08,752 - TERRY : Got your phone? - Yep. 2526 01:49:09,919 --> 01:49:11,171 (Door opens) 2527 01:49:11,629 --> 01:49:12,648 KUMAIL : But you liked it, huh? 2528 01:49:12,672 --> 01:49:14,341 Yeah. I mean... 2529 01:49:15,925 --> 01:49:16,925 Yeah. 2530 01:49:17,093 --> 01:49:18,386 I mean... 2531 01:49:22,140 --> 01:49:23,975 - Hey. - Hi. 2532 01:49:26,394 --> 01:49:28,355 - What are you doing here? - Uh... 2533 01:49:28,438 --> 01:49:29,478 I was in the neighborhood, 2534 01:49:29,522 --> 01:49:32,108 and I saw that you were gonna be here, 2535 01:49:32,192 --> 01:49:34,778 so I thought I'd come say hi. 2536 01:49:35,570 --> 01:49:36,613 You look great. 2537 01:49:36,988 --> 01:49:38,448 How's your blood oxygen level? 2538 01:49:38,656 --> 01:49:40,825 Oh, well within range. 2539 01:49:40,992 --> 01:49:42,869 - Nice. - (Both laugh) 2540 01:49:44,579 --> 01:49:48,583 Um, this is my brother, NAVEED. 2541 01:49:49,250 --> 01:49:51,086 - Hi. Hi. - Hi. I'm Emily. 2542 01:49:51,169 --> 01:49:52,587 I've heard lots about you. 2543 01:49:52,879 --> 01:49:54,422 It's so good to finally meet you. 2544 01:49:54,506 --> 01:49:55,548 Yeah. 2545 01:49:57,550 --> 01:50:00,887 There's actually something I wanted to, uh, tell you. 2546 01:50:05,100 --> 01:50:07,477 Okay, well, I'm gonna just... 2547 01:50:08,561 --> 01:50:09,729 - Good-bye. - Bye. 2548 01:50:11,398 --> 01:50:12,774 KUMAIL : See you, Bhai. 2549 01:50:17,195 --> 01:50:19,030 - (Sighs) - (Door closes) 2550 01:50:24,077 --> 01:50:25,370 BETH : Are you warm enough? 2551 01:50:26,204 --> 01:50:28,581 Yeah, yeah. I got my two pairs of socks on. 2552 01:50:44,180 --> 01:50:45,473 (Sighs) 2553 01:51:01,114 --> 01:51:02,532 Do you mind? 2554 01:51:04,617 --> 01:51:05,785 No. 2555 01:51:15,462 --> 01:51:17,630 BETH : I'm glad we're going home tomorrow. 2556 01:51:18,339 --> 01:51:19,716 TERRY : Me, too. 2557 01:51:20,800 --> 01:51:22,719 See? I should've brushed my teeth. 2558 01:51:24,596 --> 01:51:25,847 BETH : I like it. 2559 01:51:27,056 --> 01:51:28,850 When something like this happens, 2560 01:51:28,975 --> 01:51:30,477 there's this sort of expectation 2561 01:51:30,560 --> 01:51:32,604 that you're gonna have this completely, 2562 01:51:32,979 --> 01:51:34,939 like, new lease on life, and... 2563 01:51:36,107 --> 01:51:38,109 feel totally different about everything, 2564 01:51:38,193 --> 01:51:41,613 and, like, cherish every sunrise, 2565 01:51:42,697 --> 01:51:44,282 and, like, for the most part, 2566 01:51:44,365 --> 01:51:46,534 I just feel like, ugh, I can't get up that early. 2567 01:51:47,118 --> 01:51:48,661 (Chuckles) You know? 2568 01:51:51,706 --> 01:51:52,707 I'm sorry, I feel like 2569 01:51:52,790 --> 01:51:54,143 I've been talking about myself so much. 2570 01:51:54,167 --> 01:51:55,001 No. 2571 01:51:55,084 --> 01:51:56,145 Are you doing a lot of stand-up? 2572 01:51:56,169 --> 01:51:58,630 - Are you... - Yeah. I, uh, 2573 01:51:58,713 --> 01:52:02,675 bombed my Montreal Comedy Festival audition. 2574 01:52:02,884 --> 01:52:04,052 Like, horrifically, like... 2575 01:52:04,135 --> 01:52:05,512 I saw the video. 2576 01:52:06,262 --> 01:52:07,262 (Laughs) 2577 01:52:07,305 --> 01:52:08,181 - (Groans) - Yeah. 2578 01:52:08,264 --> 01:52:09,849 - It wasn't great. - No... No. 2579 01:52:09,933 --> 01:52:11,559 I'll be honest with you, it wasn't great. 2580 01:52:11,643 --> 01:52:13,019 No. I know. 2581 01:52:13,228 --> 01:52:17,357 But there was a lot I liked. Like a... like a lot I liked. 2582 01:52:22,487 --> 01:52:24,030 I'm moving to New York. 2583 01:52:26,533 --> 01:52:27,659 Really? 2584 01:52:27,742 --> 01:52:28,952 Yeah, um... 2585 01:52:30,078 --> 01:52:31,788 Mary and CJ and I are, like... 2586 01:52:34,749 --> 01:52:38,127 Just gonna drive out, and we have a place all ready, and... 2587 01:52:40,296 --> 01:52:42,715 - When do you leave? - Next weekend. 2588 01:52:43,550 --> 01:52:46,386 I... I'm so excited for you. That is so great. 2589 01:52:46,636 --> 01:52:48,888 Like, you are going to just... 2590 01:52:49,222 --> 01:52:50,890 do so great in New York. 2591 01:52:54,352 --> 01:52:55,562 What were you gonna say? 2592 01:52:56,604 --> 01:52:57,647 What? 2593 01:52:58,273 --> 01:53:00,275 You said you were gonna say something to me. 2594 01:53:01,317 --> 01:53:02,485 What was it? 2595 01:53:05,530 --> 01:53:08,449 Oh, just that I, um, I wanted to thank you. 2596 01:53:09,576 --> 01:53:10,743 Uh, my parents told me 2597 01:53:10,827 --> 01:53:12,161 everything that you did for me, 2598 01:53:12,245 --> 01:53:13,764 and I feel like the last time we spoke, 2599 01:53:13,788 --> 01:53:15,582 I didn't properly thank you, so... 2600 01:53:15,873 --> 01:53:17,792 Oh. Yeah. 2601 01:53:18,293 --> 01:53:21,087 (Chuckles) Totally fine. 2602 01:53:22,046 --> 01:53:23,506 I should probably go. 2603 01:53:23,590 --> 01:53:26,801 - Do you want to call an Uber? - No, I'm gonna walk, actually. 2604 01:53:26,884 --> 01:53:29,470 So, this has been really great. 2605 01:53:29,971 --> 01:53:31,014 All right. 2606 01:53:31,472 --> 01:53:33,683 - Okay, bye. - Yeah. 2607 01:53:40,231 --> 01:53:41,333 The scene is gonna be, like, 2608 01:53:41,357 --> 01:53:42,859 so different with you guys gone. 2609 01:53:43,359 --> 01:53:45,278 Well, you should come out. 2610 01:53:46,738 --> 01:53:48,531 No, I'm... I'm good here. 2611 01:53:48,990 --> 01:53:51,159 - I'm gonna miss you. - I'm gonna miss you. 2612 01:53:53,161 --> 01:53:54,454 Get out of here, you assholes. 2613 01:53:54,537 --> 01:53:55,371 All right. 2614 01:53:55,455 --> 01:53:56,831 MARY : Come here, you big dummy. 2615 01:53:57,332 --> 01:53:58,332 (Mary laughs) 2616 01:53:58,625 --> 01:54:00,001 - Bye. - CHRIS : I'll miss you. 2617 01:54:06,591 --> 01:54:08,343 You're still kicked out of the family. 2618 01:54:08,593 --> 01:54:10,511 But because we did not get a proper chance 2619 01:54:10,595 --> 01:54:11,595 to say bye to you, so... 2620 01:54:13,264 --> 01:54:15,475 Your mother is so angry with you. 2621 01:54:16,225 --> 01:54:17,620 She's not going to get out of the car. 2622 01:54:17,644 --> 01:54:19,044 She's not even going to look at you. 2623 01:54:19,687 --> 01:54:21,527 I don't believe that you kept so much of secret 2624 01:54:21,606 --> 01:54:22,774 from me, your father. 2625 01:54:23,816 --> 01:54:24,901 Sorry. 2626 01:54:26,319 --> 01:54:27,362 Here. 2627 01:54:27,862 --> 01:54:29,280 She asked me to give this to you. 2628 01:54:30,198 --> 01:54:31,240 Mutton biryani. 2629 01:54:31,491 --> 01:54:32,617 For your trip. 2630 01:54:32,909 --> 01:54:34,077 Your favorite. 2631 01:54:35,203 --> 01:54:38,414 She made it herself, specially for you, with extra potatoes. 2632 01:54:40,124 --> 01:54:41,292 Thank you, Ma! 2633 01:54:43,169 --> 01:54:45,129 - Is she okay? - Right now? 2634 01:54:45,254 --> 01:54:46,297 No. 2635 01:54:47,256 --> 01:54:48,256 I'll miss you. 2636 01:54:48,675 --> 01:54:51,094 I'm forbidden from hugging you, so... 2637 01:54:52,970 --> 01:54:54,722 ...it was nice to have you as my son. 2638 01:54:56,766 --> 01:54:58,142 Good-bye forever. 2639 01:55:00,103 --> 01:55:02,230 And do me a favor, when you reach New York, 2640 01:55:02,313 --> 01:55:06,067 just text us and tell us that you've reached safely, okay? 2641 01:55:07,819 --> 01:55:09,070 I will. 2642 01:55:10,405 --> 01:55:11,864 Dad, can I ask you something? 2643 01:55:13,366 --> 01:55:15,535 When you and Mom went on your first date, 2644 01:55:16,035 --> 01:55:17,412 what movie did you see? 2645 01:55:18,871 --> 01:55:20,164 Satte Pe Satta. 2646 01:55:21,374 --> 01:55:22,959 (Singing in Hindi) 2647 01:55:25,628 --> 01:55:26,629 Her favorite song. 2648 01:55:27,255 --> 01:55:28,297 Why you asking? 2649 01:55:29,549 --> 01:55:30,842 I was just curious. 2650 01:55:31,217 --> 01:55:32,385 Okay. 2651 01:55:50,653 --> 01:55:51,755 - KUMAIL : Let's do it. - Let's do it. 2652 01:55:51,779 --> 01:55:52,613 - Okay. - All right. 2653 01:55:52,697 --> 01:55:53,799 - See you later, dudes. - Let's do it. 2654 01:55:53,823 --> 01:55:55,158 - See you. - Hey, we'll text. 2655 01:55:55,241 --> 01:55:56,481 - Ooh, sorry. - Yeah, please do. 2656 01:56:01,247 --> 01:56:03,332 KUMAIL : So, the first time I came to America, 2657 01:56:03,416 --> 01:56:04,625 I was, like, 14, 2658 01:56:04,709 --> 01:56:06,586 and I was just visiting my uncle in New York, 2659 01:56:06,669 --> 01:56:08,379 and it just happened to be Thanksgiving. 2660 01:56:08,671 --> 01:56:11,048 My first day in America, my uncle took me 2661 01:56:11,132 --> 01:56:13,301 to the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade. 2662 01:56:13,384 --> 01:56:14,427 (Audience laughing) 2663 01:56:14,510 --> 01:56:17,180 And I was like, "This is every day in America!" 2664 01:56:17,889 --> 01:56:19,599 As advertised. 2665 01:56:20,433 --> 01:56:24,020 Every day, they have a party celebrating Garfield. 2666 01:56:24,771 --> 01:56:26,981 No day has lived up to that day. 2667 01:56:28,900 --> 01:56:30,902 I was, uh, lying to my parents, 2668 01:56:30,985 --> 01:56:32,779 I was telling them I was gonna be a lawyer. 2669 01:56:33,321 --> 01:56:34,572 And they're very disappointed 2670 01:56:34,655 --> 01:56:36,324 'cause they wanted me to be a doctor. 2671 01:56:36,407 --> 01:56:37,325 (Audience laughing) 2672 01:56:37,408 --> 01:56:39,011 You guys are like, why didn't you just tell them 2673 01:56:39,035 --> 01:56:40,661 that you wanted to be a doctor? 2674 01:56:40,745 --> 01:56:41,972 It's a lie anyway, and I'm like, 2675 01:56:41,996 --> 01:56:43,196 well, it has to be believable. 2676 01:56:43,581 --> 01:56:45,166 If I told them "I want to be a doctor," 2677 01:56:45,249 --> 01:56:46,667 they'd be like, "Bullshit." 2678 01:56:47,084 --> 01:56:49,670 If I said "lawyer," they're like, "Oh, okay. 2679 01:56:49,754 --> 01:56:50,671 "That's something." 2680 01:56:50,755 --> 01:56:52,256 'Cause there's a strict hierarchy. 2681 01:56:52,423 --> 01:56:55,426 It's doctor, engineer, lawyer, 2682 01:56:55,843 --> 01:56:57,261 hundreds of jobs, 2683 01:56:58,137 --> 01:56:59,931 ISIS, then comedian. 2684 01:57:00,139 --> 01:57:02,308 - (Audience laughing) - (Emily whoops loudly] 2685 01:57:04,018 --> 01:57:05,144 (Chuckles) 2686 01:57:05,228 --> 01:57:07,688 Ah, I'm sorry. 2687 01:57:07,772 --> 01:57:09,857 It's very rude to heckle comedians. 2688 01:57:10,066 --> 01:57:11,234 Oh, that wasn't a heckle. 2689 01:57:11,317 --> 01:57:12,735 I just kind of whoo-hoo'd for you. 2690 01:57:12,819 --> 01:57:14,654 Well, see, that's a common misconception. 2691 01:57:14,737 --> 01:57:16,239 Heckling doesn't have to be negative. 2692 01:57:16,405 --> 01:57:19,242 So if I was like, "Oh, my God, you're amazing in bed!" 2693 01:57:19,325 --> 01:57:21,045 - That would be a... - (Audience laughing) 2694 01:57:21,077 --> 01:57:22,161 ...heckle? 2695 01:57:22,245 --> 01:57:24,580 Yeah, and now you're getting more laughs than me, 2696 01:57:24,664 --> 01:57:25,706 and I don't like that. 2697 01:57:25,790 --> 01:57:27,250 Do you want to come up, do my job? 2698 01:57:27,500 --> 01:57:28,334 Let's talk about... 2699 01:57:28,417 --> 01:57:29,961 So, are you from out of town, ma'am? 2700 01:57:30,378 --> 01:57:33,047 - Chicago. - Ooh, Windy City. 2701 01:57:33,673 --> 01:57:35,550 And what brings you to New York? 2702 01:57:36,259 --> 01:57:39,095 - Here to see someone. - And, um... 2703 01:57:39,345 --> 01:57:41,514 Have you seen him? Or her? I mean, I don't... 2704 01:57:41,597 --> 01:57:43,808 I don't know what your deal is, but... 2705 01:57:43,891 --> 01:57:45,434 Yeah, I've seen him. 2706 01:57:45,518 --> 01:57:49,063 ("My Love" by The Bird and the Bee playing) 2707 01:57:49,063 --> 01:57:59,063 ^.^.^.^.subtitles by.^.^.^.^ ® Sud_Arun collections ® A member of Psagmeno.com